Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Anger

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Some say tears are healing. Maybe letting them flow would be self love. I'm not sure about anger. I don't feel it often but im sure I may have it simmering somewhere at times I just don't recognise it as anger. I know I can develop resentments and this might be linked to anger. Anyway I believe the program helps us work through anger by working the steps. Step 4 is pretty powerful. I'm doing it right now. Listing the resentments and my part in them. Its so revealing. Usually involves fear for me. Most of my resentments come from a fear of some sort linked with a false belief that I've carried around for years. It seems to be all about acceptance of people for flawed humans they are rather than believing them to be perpetrators and to blame for things in the past that have effected me. There's such freedom in it. Its amazing to me that under mum the list of resentments I've had forever really and it's all came down to my childish expectations that my mother should have been .... fill in any blank. I want to let go and see her as a grown woman who did her best with what she had. She was always human always flawed but mostly doing her best from her viewpoint. That's it really. Freedom from a huge weight of false beliefs.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Serenity I once turned all my sadness into anger so that I could blame others and have an expression for the sadness. Today I allow myself to be vulnerable and call a fellow member express my sadness and cry if necessary. I could not believe it but it helps :) I had to be sure to pick the right people to call and not the ones who would baby me or give advise.You are doing great

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Anger for me was my 'go-to' expression for the world. I too found underlying emotions - mostly fear, sadness, disappointment - through an inventory. Resentments are considered the number one offender that stands between self and a spiritual existence. Therefore, when I feel 'it' trying to pop up, I try to do mini inventory(ies) to determine what's really going on.

Most of the time, it's something within me - expectations, distorted fairy-tale thinking, etc. By the time I arrived at Al-Anon, all my emotions were stuffed so deeply that I was numb. I was beyond desperate for a solution and felt so defeated ... for me at that time, a feeling way worse than anger.

I still find today that when I want to lash out about others or at others, it's usually from a place of fear. Al-Anon has given me all the tools I need to know me better, keep learning and growing and be free from most of the effects from this disease. I am grateful that more often than not, when my thinking and emotions start sliding towards the dark side, my go-to tool has become prayer and HP. It brings me great comfort to turn things over and try to get out of the way...

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

A reminder to myself I need to post .. lol .. I thought I had time and I don't there are lots of good things here I want to address because I find them interesting. :)

Dutchy · Senior Member

I agree with previous posters. I think tears are healing. I think that with tears, emotions are released and maybe inbthe time you cry you might want to have see what the emotions are you are having and see where they are coming from. My therapist calls it spending time with your tears. I found a lot of clearance in my tears.

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Serenity)))

I cry a lot. Or at least I did. When I am frustrated, I cry. When I am sad I cry. I used to be constantly frustrated and very often sad. I found that the tears of sadness washed away my feelings of despair. I often felt renewed.
The tears of frustration, however, made me ANGRY! I hated (and still do) looking weak... I also hated that once the waterworks began, I could no longer try and adequately and accurately explain my feelings. So yeah, I get ya on that one!!

Peace my friend!

ginnyc · Veteran Member

Having grown up in an alcoholic home I was never sure what my real feelings were and still are. I was so good at feeling numb, or being angry, full of fear, hiding my feelings, etc. that it has taken me years to sort them out. I still am! Anger for me is very familiar. Usually it starts with fear of some sort. I am not going to get what I want, my self esteem is affected, fear that I wont be loved or understood. The list goes on, lol.

Dutchy · Senior Member

Oh Ginnyc, It really hurt me to read your post as I feel our year old is affected by what's been going on and I feel guilty. She is often angry, cries and screams, her self esteem is not great whoever much I praise her. She doesn't easily talk about her feelings either (but neither does my husband who is in recovery and relapsed recently). I have to say that since he has been staying with his mother she's been doing better. She's also started school and that seems to do her a world of good and she LOVES it!! We just had 2 weeks of Easter Holidays and she'd been asking every day if it was time to go to school yet. I have had therapy sessions with her with a child psychologist and I hope that by me supporting her, praising her and trying to change myself and the situation, that she will be able to give all this a place within herself. I always encourage crying with her as she clearly has emotions which needs to get out and when she does open up to me (usually about daddy's drinking) I make sure I take time for her to listen, pay attention and try to answer any questions.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Forgetting about the "psychological" discussion/aspect surrounding anger, in and of itself, anger is a very interesting emotion. In studying anger, it is almost hard to avoid the education aspect -- that "psychological" aspect. That said, like with many of the "unattractive" and "undesirable" emotions, anger can be a by-product, an origin, vis a vis cause and effect, or a feeder, or many other things for that matter. Anger tends to be intense, and an emotional response, whether hidden or overt.

What I've always found interesting is that most anger tends to involve a discomfort, one that can grow, and usually progresses to some sort of response -- because of what one fees as a provocation, or some sort of hurt, wrong, pain, or threat. If you have any interest -- and I am not saying anyone should -- Novaco is one of the leading experts on anger.

As it relates to my program, my recovery, and alanon -- my experience is that I wasn't able to do anything, make any progress, even properly start to implement certain aspects of alanon -- until I got past and let go of the anger and resentment I had. It prevented me from getting better. If that's not you or what happened to you -- I am very glad this was the case for you. While it was going on -- I did not know anger was the emotional reaction, feeling, that was preventing me from getting better. I also found, in this setting, I was using anger as a protective measure, a protection device -- and it was covering up many things -- me being sad, scared, hurt, feeling wronged, not being heard, not being respected, not feeling loved or cared about, not feeling safe, and more. I am able to look at that and understand that now -- but not then! No shot! Anyway, the anger consumed me. That too I did not realize or know. Anger -- at this stage and in this form -- although many may not agree or even understand, anger is predominant, it consumes the thought process and being, cognitively, physiologically, and at the extreme, that becomes the behavior. Hence, he's just an angry, bitter person...because he's jaded, was scorned, etc., and so on with that methodology.

However, in the proper context, proper setting, role -- I view anger as a positive thing. For me, it can have value and very positive elements. For me, when "used properly" and not allowed to just exist and grown, anger can be supportive, it can be helpful, it can allow me to stay grounded. Anger can tell me and show me that something is wrong, that I need to make a change, and now. Anger can be a catalyst for change -- just like pain!!!

That said, once I completely and totally had acceptance, and then I was able to get past, let go, of the anger and resentment...everything else, and I mean everything...fell into place. Detachment, enabling, me being emotionally available and healed, understanding and seeing my role, my contribution, letting go, recognizing and embracing my flaws, short-comings, etc., and letting go of them, getting rid of them, dealing with people, everything else -- my life fell into place. Everything turned around. Everything. And the two things that I feel were at the core of that were -- acceptance, and getting past/letting go of the anger.

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

Stopping by to say, I hear you. Crying feels deeply distasteful to me too. I get hurt, then I get angry, then I cry, which makes me angrier. Mostly crying reminds me of abandonment. I hate that feeling. I guess programme would say feelings are not facts paving the way to then handing it over to the source of infinite love which never abandons. Vulnerability in crying too. Vulnerability leading to exploitation in the emotional memory. Sometimes I cry when I'm moved by something external like world problems, and those tears feel ok. Funny huh. Probably this doesn't help much....but, I hear you mate.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

ginnyc wrote:
Having grown up in an alcoholic home I was never sure what my real feelings were and still are. I was so good at feeling numb, or being angry, full of fear, hiding my feelings, etc. that it has taken me years to sort them out. I still am! Anger for me is very familiar. Usually it starts with fear of some sort. I am not going to get what I want, my self esteem is affected, fear that I wont be loved or understood. The list goes on, lol.

Well darn it .. LOL .. I thought I had something saved from a couple of days ago .. NOT SO MUCH.

What I want to say is this spoke to me on so many levels .. I grew up in a withholding home, I do think there was alcoholism/co dependent stuff in my Grandma's home. She was so fearful, and it is so sad to see that now. I didn't understand it when I was younger and my label for her was she was a very difficult woman. I look back now and I have a different perception of the same situation. I do think age does that for people as well as experience/life. I'm not there with my mom and it may be a place I don't get to for another 20 years.

My feelings were not mine .. and they were consistently disregarded .. I do believe that's why I do get very upset and triggered when someone tells me I don't feel XZY .. and I know how I feel .. now it may not be logical or whatever .. they are my feelings whatever they are. My mom constantly told me I didn't see, hear or experience whatever because it made her uncomfortable and dealing with my oldest I am very keen to be aware of how I am feeling when I react to things. If I am uncomfortable .. that's just not on my oldest .. that is strictly my stuff and it's not fair for me to put that on him. Ditto with everyone else in my immediate family.

The anger was safe because it was protective.

I just don't know what to do with the block I'm in now and if I could describe my block it's like a big jello wall that I can see, poke and all it does is jiggle .. when it leaks is when I get into trouble because I just get stuck in frustration. I don't know what to do with it. I do try different things however sometimes that doesn't go so well .. LOL. I had a situation at work happen and me being me and how I presented it to all parties concerned left everyone scratching their head basically saying .. umm .. she's right. It was a that's not my business discussion and don't make it mine because you really don't want to know what I think .. and my boss got a dose of what I DO think about the situation and I was very clear please don't include me in this BS going forward. Real issues, things that are going to change .. totally fine .. gum flapping don't waste my time because it won't go well. I want gum flapping I can have a discussion with my X about money he owes .. LOL. I was so mad at myself because at one point I almost dissolved into tears and I'm thinking if I want to be an attorney how is this going to benefit me. LOL!?

Now .. where do I cry .. watching my kids make their achievements and becoming the people that exceed any expectations I could possibly have, movies .. I'm a total crybaby at movies, books I totally become vested in book characters. I am the same person who broke their ankle by sitting on it on an incline and did not make any sound because I didn't want to upset the kids. My kids didn't see me cry until after my X left the house .. and even then they will both tell you 1 hand how many times I have broken down straight up emotionally .. I have to feel incredibly safe and even then I prefer to be alone. So breaking down in front of others is just a UGH big time.

I got a great email from another member here and I appreciate it so much when people do reach out because there is always something to gain.

I see anger as a positive motivator because it is a catalyst for change and that is not a bad thing .. it's just exhausting to constantly be in that mode in order to change. I'm trying to be more open to not having to use that all of the time as it is emotionally expensive. It is a positive thing in terms of initiating the change I need to look at and figure out what is best for me.

Hugs all thanks for letting me share, S :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene