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Trying something new for me - writing about real-time events. I'm afraid normally. I'm afraid of people judging me negatively, also kind of afraid of people thinking of me positively, because I don't like my arrogance that raises its head royally above everyone else now and again.
I'm having communication problems with my ex-abf. I have blocked him on my phone and Facebook, so he can only reach my via e-mail or if he asks someone else to call me from their phone. He keeps writing e-mails to me although I have communicated that I don't want communication with him, so I've not been answering. There's this thing though where I have some other business with an older relative of his, and unfortunately I have unwisely agreed that some documents, both physical and e-docs, can be delivered to me by my ex-abf... At the time I though something like - its so simple as scanning something and sending it to me via e-mail or just dropping of some papers at my work. I thought it was a no-brainer - nothing can go wrong with that, its a piece of cake! Wrong!
Now there seems to be a situation where some physical documents are currently in the possession of the ex-abf, the documents he was supposed to drop at my workplace. For reasons that probably don't matter he hasn't done it and I broke my "radio silence" with him to find out whether he intends to deliver them or no. I have so far received some 7 e-mails none of which answer my question. Instead they're about our ex-relationship and similar, and he wants to meet me for "the last talk to wrap things up". I feel I have closure, and I don't want to meet him. I'm tired of everything being about him, him, him.
I am frustrated. The wisest thing for me seems to make sure that no further communication between me and ex's relative goes via the ex. But this current situation is what it is, and I need those documents to do a job that I have agreed to do... I think that if I don't get any answer about the documents from ex by tomorrow, I'll call his relative and let him sort this out... I don't think this is very nice or right, but I can't seem to be able to communicate with ex, and I strongly suspect he is trying to manipulate me - a la I can't get the documents if I don't meet him... I know its not my business what he thinks or what his motives are, but I do feel kind of blackmailed, as some of his e-mails also hint at.
Well, congratulations to me for not being a chicken and writing here about "current events" :D
This is a "sharing" evening for me, as my sponsor contacted me just as this current chaotic evening began to take its shape.
Recently I have been thinking more about how I find it so hard to share what I feel/think right NOW and how I need to work on that because I feel this is like some sort of break pedal in my recovery. I'm feeling now I'm kind of acting impulsively by sharing here, like maybe I haven't thought it through and maybe I shouldn't really... That's probably my sickness, I suppose. But today - me brave :D At least sharing here is definitely a lot healthier than, say, trying to predict the future or read my ex's mind.
I would really appreciate any ESH. In any case, thank you for reading and just being here on MIP :) I'm so glad and grateful I'm not alone.
Hi Aline, Thank you for sharing and well done for coming here to articulate your feelings. I don't think that you've been impulsive, I think that you've been brave to recognise something that you see as a barrier and try to overcome it. I don't think that it's arrogant to do so, it's part of the recovery process. For me, sharing here is a safe place where I can articulate my feelings knowing that people aren't going to judge. Whatever I've done or am doing, someone else has been in the same or worse situation and their experiences help me. I have also closed some communication means to my ABF. Even though we still live together, I'm not on facebook anymore because I use to check what he was doing to reassure myself for worry myself when he wasn't posting. I archive his chats on whatapp so I don't know if he's read messages - because he ignored them anyway when drinking and I've taken a step further to not even message him now when he's drinking. (of course this then gets me criticism that I'm not interested in his life but never mind. I'm more interested in protecting myself than his ego).
I feel your frustration about this being a "me me me: disease. I am feeling that myself this evening. I don't think it would be a bad thing to ask the relative to sort out the documents. You've made your steps to try to resolve the situation. Keep your boundaries - you don't want to see him, and we live in the 21st century where documents can be delivered without personal contact. I've often talked to my ABFs mum about stuff to get her to talk to him when I don't want to, or can't to protect myself. Alcoholics make it all about them, so stay within your boundaries of making it about you and what you want.
Of course my ABfs mum is so lovely, she knows that I am thinking of ending the "relationship" at some point and she is supportive of that. She has also invited my on holiday to hers without him there! Hopefully your ex's relatives are as supportive.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
This IS an opinion so let me preface that .. for so long I lived in the "you're doing it wrong" mode that I was frozen with fear and when I acted it's completely impulsive .. which has both negative and positive results .. LOL .. however that being said .. I really appreciated the whole what other people think of me is none of my business .. guess what .. they haven't lived through what I have been through (any more than I have walked in their shoes) and I like to think I have an idea of how to do me .. lol. I don't care what other people think because I know my truth and my perception of my situation .. it is only when I feel uncomfortable that I will examine what I need to address and sometimes being uncomfortable means I'm healing. So I just have to sit in that fact. Sometimes it IS me that needs to change and readjust and when I'm ready .. I may choose to .. that's no one else's timeline that is mine and mine alone.
Something I have done is gone back to OLD posts and for me these are way old and under another name because my XAH got wise and started reading my posts which I didn't appreciate and honestly neither did he .. oh well .. lol. It helps me recognize how far I have come .. you know I don't need to stare in the review mirror .. it doesn't hurt to glance and say .. that worked or that didn't .. maybe it would help you to revisit where you were for a moment and see what I see which is how far you have come in a very short time. You know I didn't get here over night so to think that everything is going to *poof* in 24 hours, 6 months or a year is not reasonable. I went into my marriage eyes wide shut and yet fully knowing what I was getting on a deeper level. I didn't pick my XAH by accident. We matched dysfunction. My original point is that this all takes time.
So DO pat yourself on the back and give yourself an atta girl .. because change is difficult and it's more difficult when facing inside demons of anxiety, self esteem issues and so on. Good for you on taking an emotional risk of sharing .. and you know what .. so WHAT if anyone were to judge that says more about them than it will about you. I like to think we are all jointly connected attempting to do the best under whatever given circumstances are presented .. some people are just jerks because as LC has said .. they are not awake to their own pain and own discomfort .. it is what it is.
As far as the XAB situation .. this is opinion based upon what I learned with my XAH and what I'm watching my BF go through with his XW. Respond and continue to respond with what you need .. as far as addressing the other stuff in terms of past relationship stuff .. no .. no and no .. no. If I didn't already say .. no. No. That's a complete sentence you don't even have to say out loud. You are not required to give anyone who and my opinion is currently in an altered state of mind. That is a straight up safety issue. If you are unable to get the required documents. I would contact the other party and let them know that unfortunately due to the fact you are unable to get said documents you are going to have to resign your part. The next person who takes over you will gladly provide everything o that person that you have however you are unable to complete your task based upon current events. Again .. this is me and the fact remember I have 3 sets of unused cahonas in a safe throughout the united states .. I would have included that statement of if I can't get what I need from you dropped off at my office then I will be removing myself as I am unable to complete my business and it is better for someone else to take my place and get the job done. As I tell one of my BFF's .. you put it into L terms because I don't speak L (she's very diplomatically politically correct and I am not .. LOL) that's the message.
Yes .. while I speculate again based upon my experience with active A's ... manipulative, it serves no purpose and he doesn't have that kind of power in your situation .. not really.
IF on any level you have concerns about safety .. don't engage .. you know your situation best .. and you know his behavior when he's in the altered state. Mine was so unpredictable .. he was predictable .. I could tell you if I do this .. he will do that before the argument even started .. and I had no qualms in giving him the rope to hang himself and I still don't at this point .. so .. that being said .. 3 P's .. ask for guidance from your HP .. and I know you are going to come up with what works for you. You have come a LONG ways .. and I have faith in your program and in your tools that you got this .. it's just sorting the emotional from the logical.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
In my experience your spidey-sense is wise - it is just the kind of manipulation they try, to get us to do what they want - withhold the documents, or whatever.
In so many cases I have read about, the woman agreed to meet the alcoholic 'for one last time' or 'just to sort things out' - and she becomes a tragic statistic.
Please keep yourself safe. Those documents are not worth your life. If they were destroyed, I'm sure there's a way of getting new ones. So you don't have to risk your safety to get them. Not that you sound as if you're going to, but just in case you were wavering. My guess is that he'll hang on to them to the utmost end, because he sees them as his only leverage.
Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. I slept pretty badly but I'm happy for your ESH and e-company, that's my morning positive today :)
I think it's up to you whether or not you want to do it. You said you've given it a place and maybe leave it at that? I write in real time events. It helps me greatly getting through them, I hope they will do for you too.
(((Aline))) - I am sorry this is going on - what a circus! I am one who tends to overthink, over-analyze and over-process everything so I would be made at 'him' for what he's doing, mad at 'me' for getting here, mad at 'God' because he's got the master plan and then be 'stuck' - possibly confused on what action to take. I have done this so many times - it's beyond annoying.
I have a lovely sponsor that when I'd bring 'these scenarios' to her, she would say over and over again - What is your part? What have you learned? What can you do differently next time? My answers in the beginning used to generate much more dialogue than they do now. I do not believe that A(s) wake up with an intent to disrupt or manipulate any more than we wake up with a plan to obsess and control. It's just how we are because we are coping using bad habits developed over a long while. So - if I want a different result, I need to take a different action. Yet, when I mess up, I just need to learn from it, let it go and move on!
I can overthink myself into a total funk that lasts way longer and can be quite painful and I really believe today that is self-will and not my HP's plan for me. He really wants me happy, joyous and free - not stuck, frozen, suspicious or guarded. Each time these situations come forward, I am reminded of my need to keep practicing Keep it Simple!!
(((Hugs))) - you got this!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks, IAH. Well, it looks like ex-abf did send me the scanned files a week ago and I managed to forget the email, and now the files are unavailable (wetransfer). Soooo... Really looks like I made as much of a mess as my ex who could remind me of the mail or resend it instead of just keeping quiet about it when I inquired. Water under the bridge. I will send an e-apology for my part to ex-abf, although I really don't want to, honestly. I could kick myself, but there's no point. Logically, this is a minor issue. I can move on, and I finally feel like I'm able to without excessive self-deprecation. Now I just got an email from ex how bad I'm making him feel. I have temptation to offer my sympathy which I have, a little, but I know I'm not responsible for his feelings or for his part in this situation, so I probably won't. This whole stupid situation seems like it just had to happen, somehow, though. Maybe its me accepting the situation and that's why it feels that way. I did talk with his relative today though that henceforth I want us to manage papers and stuff directly, and I hope that's what will happen. Thanks again to everyone who shared, you have been a wonderful support to me in this partly self - made drama.
Hang in there girl - took me a long while of practicing recovery to accept and appreciate what being human is all about - we are expected to make mistakes and I really believe that's how we learn. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
What an excellent topic -- and what resonated with me is the here and now, present, etc. I've heard in face to face meetings for many years -- you are only as sick as your secrets, and while there is a lot of meaning behind the statement, I've always found that for me, when it's here and now -- I run toward the roar! If something happens, sure, I might be confused, need time to process, think, and more -- but I at least get ahead of it, get it out in the open and put it on the table with my sponsor. Getting a handle on something doesn't mean now, but I am not going to pretend, be in denial, etc. No decision is a decision. Punting is a decision. Waiting is a decision. It's just not denial and ignoring for me. It's a conscious decision for the right here and right now.
I am not one to push off either. My perspective and my learning on the program is when I turn it over, let it go, let my HP guide me -- that doesn't mean my HP is going to do it for me. I read that and I interpret that in the steps -- "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." -- not for him to do it for me. I want the knowledge of his will for me, and I want the power to carry that out -- and I do not ask him or anyone else to do it for me. That's just me and my take. But it's important to me, because it keeps me accountable and responsible for my actions. When I work with my sponsor, it's intense, laser precision focus on the issue at hand -- one at a time.
My experience is that the collateral and direct damage caused by this disease is my reality. It's how I play the cards dealt to me, until I no longer want to sit at table. The day to day little things that got disrupted, turned chaotic, hectic, turmoil, etc., because or as a byproduct of alcoholism is reality -- whether intentional or not. See, for me, I embrace that the alcoholic is not doing it to me. Dogs bark, infants cry, and alcoholics do whatever they do. I accept that, completely and totally. And I am OK with that. However, I do not look at their intentions. I don't judge, but I would not judge one on their intentions and another on their actions. Which one would I be? That's my gut-check. Have I had my AEW intentionally lie, manipulate, steal, try to take advantage, and more? I would say yes. I would also say that part of it is the disease. But, I don't get caught up in trying to figure that out. I learned that the more you try and apply logic to this disease, the person, etc. -- the more you drive yourself crazy. I've seen newcomers do that, and I understand there is a desire to "try and figure it out" or "understand" and more of the like -- and that's OK. I don't convince anyone not to. But for me, I don't because I know what it does and doesn't do for me.
When I used to get the text, the voice mail, the call, the email, when the incident happened...and I would think, sit back, breathe, call my sponsor...I realized it didn't have to do with the text, the voice mail, the call, or any of the words, or my reply, or what I was going to do...it had to do with who I was. Who I was going to be. When there is all kinds of drama, chaos, turmoil, havoc, etc. -- I don't contribute or even participate. I don't. I won't. In a similar situation -- I did not meet with my ex-w, or ex-gf. I did not get blackmailed. I called the relative and had them take care of it as the person they were dealing with and relying on was not being cooperative, was violating my boundary, and so on.
I guess in the end, I think what happens happens for a reason. What is put in front of me, is for a reason. And I look at me, how I can change, be a better person, a healthier person. That's me working on the one person I can...me! All this, it's just me and my perspective.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
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... thanks Aline... 
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