((Bamgirl)) glad that you have alanon face to face meetings and have attended. Alcholism is chronic, progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. Please try to pick up  alanon literature at the meetings, as the literature really helped me to keep showing up and using the tools such as the slogans and the steps .It does sound as if you do understand the principle of detachment and are working it well,

 Please keep coming back-- there is hope

Bamagrl, welcome. The most important thing you said is that you went to your first face to face meeting, and even more important, is that you will be going back. Not good, but great for you. My experience, and my perspective, may be different than others, but it's mine, and it's what helped me get healthy and get better.

First, my step-son is an addict. I've been in his life since he was 5. His life went in the wrong direction when he was about 15. For years, I struggled with so many things -- what did I do wrong, what could I have done, if I had only done, what can I do now to help him, fix this, make up for, and so on and so on and so on. Everything I did, no matter what it was -- "didn't work" -- and he just kept getting worse. My thinking was so distorted, and I was getting hung up on "everything I am doing didn't work" -- and there was my problem. I tried, he didn't stop, so I failed. I was trying, he was using, so it didn't work. I did everything I could, he kept using, so I must be doing everything wrong, because it's not working. That, was my problem. Flawed and fallacious thinking -- distorted, unhealthy thinking.

What I had to do was come to a place of acceptance...my step-son was not going to stop using drugs...UNLESS...and UNTIL...he wanted to. Not me. Him. And there was nothing I could do to get him to stop. I tried it all. In 25 years of going to meetings, I have yet to hear someone say they tried something, that I didn't try. And none of it worked. Not one thing. I threw love at it, hate, anger, money, threats, speeches, ultimatums, rehabs, IOP's, logic, meetings, fear, and so on and so on. I gave and forced all of that on him...and none of it worked. Now, I am not recommending or suggesting that you or anyone not try whatever it is you want to try. What I am saying is that what we come to learn in alanon...is that the alcoholic/addict will not stop drinking/using UNLESS and UNTIL they want to. Them. If we want it more than them...it doesn't happen.

Second, I immersed myself in acceptance. I had to accept that he would not stop unless and until he wanted to, and there was nothing I could do about that...and acceptance was not just simply me intellectually recognizing that I couldn't fix him, get him to stop, etc. I didn't have to admit that. I didn't have to realize that. I had to ACCEPT that...and when I did...acceptance meant I was able to stop tying everything I had been doing. I was able to stop trying to fix it, fix him, control him, control his using, cure it, get him to stop, go to rehab, and so on and so on and so on. Acceptance was me giving up on trying to fix it and him. It was freeing for me. That may sound strange, and it may sound counter-intuitive to what you've been thinking and doing, but that's what I learned as a beginner in alanon.

While this was going on, I watched my step-son "get worse" and move from smoking pot, to doing coke, to taking pills, to using heroin, to becoming a thief, to stealing from his mother, brother, sister, and me, stealing from his neighbors, his girlfriend's family, to pawning everything he could steal at pawn shops, to getting arrested, multiple times, to going to jail, four times, ultimately, culminating with armed robbery. That's the spiraling downward. And I graduated, got better, and went from hiring attorneys, bailing him out, trying to fix all of these chaotic, drama, and turmoil situations, and being right there, involved in every single thing, and being in it...to allowing him to figure out how to get his own public defender, to watching him sleep on friend's couches until he got thrown out, to sleeping in cars, sleeping in the park, not showering because he wasn't allowed to live in my house while he was using, to being arrested and me not bailing him out, and going from local, small town, municipal jail, to major, county jail (that's been featured on TV as one of the worst county jails in the US), and being in jail for one year. And one might say -- how was that me getting better. Well, go to a lot of meetings, learn the alanon program, and I can only hope that one day you will understand it. All this time, he was angry at me, blamed me, told me his mother would have helped him if it wasn't for me, yelled at me, screamed at me, hated me, and told everyone that everything happening to him was my fault. Was it me who robbed the convenience store? Was it me who got arrested for drugs? Was it me who ran over his mother with the car? Need I go on? LOL.

Third, I had to get to work. What that meant for me was -- going to official, (conference) approved face to face meetings, finding a sponsor, focusing on me, beginning to do the work in alanon, doing readings every single day, picking up the phone and calling my sponsor every single day, and making change (in my thinking, my actions and reactions, my behavior, and my focus). I had to do this work for me, on me, and it was about me. Not him! I did all this, one day at a time. I did all of this little by slowly. I did all of this because getting better -- was the most important thing in the world to me. I scratched, clawed, crawled, cried, and did whatever I had to...to get better, to get healthy.

When you go to face to face meetings, you will be surrounded by people who have been where you are, who have felt what you are feeling, and have dealt with everything you are dealing with. They can help you. They will. If you let him and allow them to.

All the best...and keep going back (to face to face meetings).