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Unfortunately its worse than ever. Back in the winter of 2016/2017 I lost internet access. I was able to get a new computer a few weeks ago. If anyone remembers, my qualifiers are my identical twins on the spectrum. It has been a hellish ride since my last post culminating with a very scary, unprovoked VERY violent attack on my husband while one of the boys was in a blackout. Son went to detox in jail for 35 days, then 24 days in a CSS. He was talking the talk, making progress, his social worker advocated for him and now he is home awaiting a bed in a 30-90 day treatment facility. The SW laid it on thick when we said we would not take him home. She said the shelter was full, he would have to sleep on the wintery streets of New England for a week or two before she could get him a bed at the shelter, and that due to his autism he was particularly vulnerable for exploitation by predators.
On DAY THREE since he came home (Sunday) he started to renege on what we had agreed to and is starting the old "I didn't agree to that" "I know what's best for me. You don't understand sobriety" "Meetings make me feel worse." On day THREE the severe depression came back and he won't get out of bed. Last night he refused to get out of the car when I drove him to a meeting (I am his transportation because we live 15 miles from the closest meeting, in a rural area with no public transportation and he doesn't drive.). I sat there for the full hour in the parking lot holding my own "alanon-for-one-please" meeting, reading ODAT, CTC, and using workbook (alanon meetings are rare in these parts, usually an hour away). He started with the old "I'm not going to kill myself, but I don't want to live." I calmly offered to take him to a hospital. He refused.
To top it off, DCF was notified of his violent outburst (it happened in early Feb) and as of yesterday we are now being investigated for neglect of our 14 year old.
The original plan was Detox-->CSS-->TSS-->Program-->Sober living. The TSS part failed because there are no beds available. Now my daughter is living in fear (she witnessed the attack), and we are terrified of what *might* be around the corner due to the change in his behavior in the last 2 days.
His twin has been missing since Sunday, longest run to date but strangely, I am relieved.
I feel like I am living that old Calgone commercial. I know I want off the crazy-train but how?
Hi moon and stars, It is indeed a difficult road that we walk and there are no easy answers. Getting off the crazy train is a slow process.. I found attending an alanon meeting each day for over 2 year, working the steps and slogans helped me to regain my sanity. Please do keep coming back
I hope that during this time you have made it to a face to face meeting for yourself and your sanity.
It's a very sad situation one thing I have been very clear as a single mother is that the good of 1 doesn't outweigh the good of everyone else. I love my kids dearly however whatever crazy they have going on doesn't come into the home especially when I have one that is an adult and one that is a minor. I love my oldest unconditionally and I accept that they are a full grown adult .. however live in my house with no bills to speak of and it is my rules .. you want that kind of independence .. let me draw a picture of the door. No one else needs to suffer through whatever other insanity is going on. My youngest is still a minor and boundaries are there as well as life rules.
It was alanon that gave me the strength to make those kinds of choices without feeling guilty or at least being able to deal with the parental guilt of doing what is best for us all. If I didn't have program I wouldn't have been able to make good healthy boundaries for everyone involved and allow them to figure things out. I know that it's hard and not easy .. I was a doormat with my XAH until I realized that all I had to do was stand up.
Keep coming back, many prayers to your family during this exceptionally difficult time.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Welcome back and sorry to hear where things are. It is a difficult road when the qualifiers are your children - BTDT - Been There, Done That...Like what's been said, the only way I was able to get off that crazy train was to commit to my own recovery, willing to do whatever it takes. What a shame that meetings aren't closer for you - there are 2 a day here and I leaned into those for a long while - it was a lovely way to start my day and settle my day by participating in them.
One day at a time, the program has helped me tremendously!! I too am sending you thoughts and prayers for a better afternoon/evening. Keep coming back - there is hope an help in recovery...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
GOSH!! I read your post and want to ask myself was my journey even this rocky?? Actually there is no justice in that question after I consider the Higher Power I finally found after adhering to the principles of the program and my sponsorship and more. Al-Anon doesn't work by accident however it does work very very well. I am a former behavioral health therapist who use to work with clients like your sons and more and who has seen huge recovery result from surrender and commitment to recovery...and yes that is not talking about the same surrender and commitment that was made by the family also. You cannot ask for any more than you will give. Prayers going your way along with all my ESH. I already received a MIP prayer consequence...step up and be next?....((((hugs))))
Thank you everyone. Here's an update. After I posted I went to his room to wake him up for an appointment. (Lame, I know.) His room smelled very strongly of something he has been known to use for huffing in his earlier years. I didn't confront him at the time as I was home alone with him and afraid. I could see the can and the rag. I brought him to his appointment. While he was in there I was able to call his social worker from the program that just released him. She suggested crisis, then back to the CSS until the program he's waiting for has a bed.
When he got back in the car I informed him that he was not holding up his end of the bargain and that I was aware that I he was huffing again. First, he denied, then minimized, tried guilt, then insulted me, threatened me with suicide, etc. Typical tactics. Heard them all before, 100x.
I stayed calm. Gave him an ultimatum: crisis or get out of my car. He REFUSED crisis. My husband arrived to the parking lot. Son begged us to take him home to get his things. Neither one of us felt safe in a vehicle for the 50 minute drive, so we offered to bring him a sleeping bag and warm clothes. He started calling my husband vile names and taunting him about the recent attack. We informed him that he could not return to get his things and that we were going to the courthouse to get a restraining order.
Judge granted the restraining order immediately. Son hitchhiked 30 miles to his friend's house just 2 miles from us. Husband dropped off his stuff. We are pretty scared tonight.
I don't feel better, but I'm not crying either.
I am so sorry for what you are currently experiencing. Holding you and your husband up in my prayers tonight. You are doing the best you can with a very difficult situation. Hugs.
There is a history of violent behavior with time spent in jail which qualifies his relapse for second offence and further incarceration. Many incarcerations have drug and alcohol treatment programs that are either conducted by or participated in by AA and NA. We have them here in Hilo and have free sober sane graduates in our populations. If you are afraid of a reoccurrence of the violence I suggest you speak with his present or past parole officer about it. You can call the local central AA/NA offices for information. (((hugs)))
I loved with a similar type of insanity with my son. I understand how hard it is to let go but that's what I had to do. I had to not accept unacceptable behaviour each and every time over and over. In order to not accept it I had to learn what it was because my thinking had become so distorted that I accepted everything really. Alanon helped me look at my motives as to what my part in the insanity was. I learned about enabling and how the disease works within my family and it wasn't all caused by the drinker. Alanon helped me get some clarity to clearly see my responsibilities to the rest of my family and myself and I got confidence and self worth so I could set and stick to boundaries and then sanity came into my home where it has mostly stayed ever since. The change you need has to begin with you and your commitment to your recovery.
