The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Who says you cant talk about it? If its her that doesn't want to then there is not a lot you can do, you could work out your motives for wanting to talk to her about it.
If you think your words can have an impact and get her to consider her drinking and consider taking further action like stopping then step 1 tells us we are powerless. You always were and always will be whether you accept it or not. There are no words that exist that can stop alcoholism in another person. Her drinking and her sobriety are entirely her business. The impact this has on you and your life are your business and are the only things you have power over.
In my experience words are just about useless with an active drinker, its like your talking a different language to someone who just cant hear what your saying. Your attitude and thinking about the drinking is where the change happens, it takes some time though to get the understanding of the nature of the disease in both you and her.
Its like looking up the symptoms for any disease, its easy to see the symptoms of, say diabetes in someone, its clear, undeniable, acceptable etc. Then there's alcoholism, a disease that tells the drinker and the partner there is nothing wrong with them. Its not socially acceptable or recognisable to many, its like a hidden dangerous poison where each person involved develops the symptoms and they get worse and worse but still those effected can remain in total denial of their own symptoms.
For me, I had to look squarely at my symptoms and I found I was full of self pity, resentment, anger, self righteousness, controlling, mothering, immaturity and a few others. Over time I have grown to see that many of these symptoms or shortcomings developed through trying to survive in a home with alcoholism but they got habitual and extreme until my life was totally miserable so they had to go not for the drinker but for me.
Stick with alanon, it was the best thing ive ever done for myself and today after 6 yrs in Im free of many of the chains that alcoholism had wrapped around me. I learned the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, what enabling was, detachment was, I learned to take the right action for me when i was ready to take it.
Welcome Done Hurting. One of our tools is: Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. I have used that a lot! I find it helps me to get it off my chest and say what I want to the source. But here is the catch-my sponsor taught me not to have expectations, and that's what allows me to talk. Because I am speaking to someone who is not clear and present, what I say is like I'm speaking Martian sometimes. But she does hear me more than she used to. She has almost a year sober but is only now thinking about AA because I said it in our therapy session with an addiction counselor, and the therapist asked her to consider it. It's a long, slow process, but I have almost 5 years in Alanon. It's one of the best decisions I have made in my life. Keep coming back, Lyne
The best thing I ever did for my self was quit talking about it with the alcoholic in my life. I believed for a long time that eventually I would say just the right thing, implore her in the right way and the light bulb would come on and she would be ok. Obviously that was delusional thinking on my behalf. My "talks" quickly turned into lectures and fell on deaf ears. It left me highly agitated, frustrated and in a tailspin. I had expectations attached to these talks. Now, if a boundary is violated, I say what I mean, mean what I say, but don't say it mean and leave it alone. Any talking I do is with other Alanon members who can understand and give me perspective. I focus on working my own program and do my best to stay out of my ADs business. There is nothing I can say that is going to change her. She has even told me that directly but I refused to believe it. I work daily on my acceptance that I am powerless over another persons life. It is a process.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Wednesday 4th of April 2018 10:43:10 AM
I think what really clicked for me was when I stopped expecting the active A in my life to think like I do. I still fall into the trap from time to time. It's a shorter time frame.
I will never understand why my XAH thinks the way he does, he does what he does because he's him. I do what I do because I'm me. I do know for me what is the difference between healthy engagement and unhealthy .. so I stick to facts, state my business and move forward .. and I only engage when it negatively impacts my kids, aka .. giving them information that they don't know what to do with, even then I am far more reluctant to get involved in those situations. They need to figure out how to handle him for lack of a better term and what kind of relationship they want or don't want with him.
It def got better for me when I stopped trying to figure him out and really started figuring me out.
Sure you can talk about it .. however expecting a rational response from someone who is irrational is probably only going to frustrate you. Why does an active A do what they do .. because that's what they do.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Maybe I am missing something...why can't you talk about it? She refuses? Obviously it's not you refusing. You've been in alanon about 5 months and hopefully you've been focusing on you. That said, are you ready to talk about it? Check your motives for wanting to talk to her and talk about it. And, understand where you are as to who you are facing -- at least for now -- you are facing a person who was sober for three months and now thinks she can drink moderately. You need to take that into consideration when you talk to her/talk about it -- and again -- check your motives! Remember, she's an alcoholic who has not quit drinking, and is not living a life of recovery...and it's by choice. She's decided that.
Focus on you. Stop trying to figure her out, what she's thinking, doing, etc. You'll drive yourself crazy.
Look at you. Who do you want to be? Keep going to meetings. Talk to your sponsor. Immerse yourself in acceptance. Talk to your sponsor about it.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
"Insists on not talking about it" really, I think, translates to "Insists on denying it and denying it has any effect, and refuses to consider any different opinion." That is the absolute hallmark of addiction. Addiction couldn't exist without it. It is totally fundamental. I would imagine that there isn't an addict or alcoholic in the entire world who willingly agrees to talk about it. And yes, it is crazy. Crazy behavior is also totally fundamental to addiction.
The Al-Anon saying is "She's going to do what she's going to do - what are you going to do?"
When it's clear that she's an addict and therefore won't talk about it, what then?
I hope you have a meeting - no one should have to go through this without support.
Hey Done Hurting - that elephant can be quite large....and I do remember before Al-Anon and after I started Al-Anon when my A wanted to take up space around me but never talk about 'it' or quite frankly anything else of importance/significance. I used to sit and consider conversation starters that might make it more 'comfortable' and/or 'effective' and it never ever went as I would have liked. Once I started recovery, I learned some tools that really helped me keep it simple.
I held tight to QTIP and Don't JADE. Quit Taking It Personally and Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. It took me a long time of practicing recovery and biting my tongue to learn how to say what I mean, mean what I say and don't say it mean. We had done this wicked verbal sparring for so, so long that even when I tried to speak my mind with a gentle voice and approach, it didn't go well.
Yet, I saw others at meetings who truly had serenity of mind/heart and real joy and I desperately wanted that (back)...so - I did keep the focus on me. Since A(s) are not known for great discussions and can be quite moody, I just took one day at a time, did what I needed, said what was important and kept rolling forward. I added daily walks with the dog, step work in my office, meetings, coffee with fellowship, scheduled discussions with sponsor and then put life around it. I stopped asking what others wanted for dinner, and cooked what I wanted - and announced when it will be done.
All of this came about because I was willing to work with a sponsor and do what was suggested - even when it felt silly, foreign, uncomfortable or frightening. So - today, when one of my A(s) snaps at me or doesn't want to talk about 'it', I just say OK - let me know if/when you do want to with kindness and go on with my life.
The best thing about Al-Anon recovery is we each get to use the suggested tools as necessary to apply to our lives. I no longer consider who, what, when, where, why - I just roll with what I know for now, and keep life as simple as possible. We have choices that I didn't even know existed before Al-Anon. I am not glued to my chair in the room with anyone who doesn't want to spend time with me - life is too short - no matter who it is. Take what you like and leave the rest...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
