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Well as we all know when the rollercoaster is up it must come down. I have had a good two weeks with my husband the A. He has been pleasant, playing Bob the Builder around the house (a rare occurrence) and most of all the communication between us has been good because there was no drinking. That all changed on Thursday. We were very close to cyclone glenda and on alert. He spent most of the day at our business packing everything away and I did everything at our home by myself. He arrived home with a friend who had been helping him pack up and he had obviously been drinking. Sorry guys but the al-anon tools went out the window. Cyclones tend to bring out the worst in me usually because I am worn out. I told him not to try and pretend he was sober and he was a loose cannon. We all went into the lounge room and A was talking about the media being in our town except that he was talking about radio and we were talking tv lol. He started to say how they loved the hype associated with disasters etc and they were all idiots. My reply well at least they manage to remain sober. Red flag to bull yes - so you want to have an argument well you can f... off you are nothing but a ......the rest is too vivid but I will leave it to your imagination. I was so mad I was shaking, had two cigarettes(I don't smoke anymore) to calm myself down. My husband is not in an AA program we don't have one in town. He does have a counsellor he reaches out to but I don't even know if he keeps in contact with him anymore. I have been down the same track so many times where everything goes okay and then I am treated like a piece of dirt. His friend said to me he has been working really hard today packing everything up. My reply I don't give a f..... The reason I was so mad was because I thought I can't rely on you again if anything happens and this cyclone gets us you are drunk. We have been through a Category 5 here in 1999 so we don't take them lightly. It is decision time again for me not rushing anything am in limbo. For now I am not talking to him I am stubborn and he will break before me. Just need a bit of ESH to get me through the next few weeks and for Hp to guide me. Luv Leo xx
It is a lot easier to use Alanon tools when thiings are going well, or when we are not facing a potentially dangerouse situation. When we are over tired or really stressed out, they can go out the window.
I've never been in the path of a cyclone, but I know dangerouse storm warnings do stress me out. You run around trying to get things tied down, to keep and damage to a minimum. I know I get mad when I have to do this stuff myself. I get especially mad if I don't do it right and something gets damaged and then my husband tells me it is because I didn't do it right. It is never becasue he was drunk and I had to do it instead.
You are human and you got caught up in the calm before the storm, literally.
The hiorrible part is that without a program, he is going to slip and this will happen. it is just so nice when we don't have to deal with it.
Do what you have to do to keep yourself calm. I hope today is a better day for you.
Stay safe during the cyclone and I hope you don't get any damage.
Please take care and be safe. So sorry, I can imagine your concerns at this time (are you projecting?). Remember what ever this time, day, moment is -This too shall pass.
Sorry to hear you were under so much stress. I feel like this regularly with the A. When my back is against the wall he is always awol. If I am having a problem he is off elsewhere taking care of someone else. What I do now if I blow up (and the blow ups are far far less than they were) is to withdraw and take care of myself.
Obviously this is hard time with the cyclone and all. I hope you can get support and help and have some place to go to let all your frustration out. When I can acknowledge my frustration at the A I can take care of myself. I focus far far less on what the A needs to do on any level. I focus on what I need to do. I don't know what he does with resources (he has more than me). I just try to make resources for myself. I try to take care of me. The A started out taking care of me. That went awol very very early in the relationship. I have been in denial about it.
I don't think being in the middle of the cyclone is a time to think about ending and leaving a relationship. There are times to do it. Certainly having someone around who does not respond well in a disaster is very very difficult. Sometimes some of us have to go back to one day at a time (I am on that regularly) and not make plans for a while. I think the program unfolds after a while. I think when it is time for me to leave and leave without a dramarama crisis I will know it.
((((Leo)))) I am sorry that your husband coped with the stress of the storm by drinking.
My husband used to deal with stress by drinking.
It was an awfully difficult realization when I figured out that I could no longer depend on him top take care of me or have my best interests in his heart.
I will pray for your family to survive the cyclone.
In support
Megan
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Thanks everyone for the ESH I am back to my calm self again. I was actually very relaxed and reading when my husband arrived home that day but that all changed when I saw that he had been drinking. Old habits die hard and I reacted. Sometimes it is really hard to keep your mouth shut. You know I did not need him to help pack up around the house etc I was quite capable of doing it and that only re-inforced the fact that I rely on me and can count on me only. All your posts had much wisdom in them and I will not make any rash decisions now in fact as another al-anon friend said I don't have to do anything until I want to. Just don't want to slip back in to the comfort zone where he thinks it is acceptable to treat me that way. I set the boundary a while back that I would not accept him coming home drunk yet I am doing it. I know I will get clarity from HP soon and this too shall pass. So much love here when you need it. Luv Leo xx
PS Very little damage from the cyclone and everyone was safe.
