He's leaving me! - Al-Anon Family Group

cabma · Member

He's leaving me!

Powerless · Senior Member

My heart goes out to you and your children. Do they understand about the disease he has? Are you getting help from meetings to deal with your feelings? We understand that they will blame their using/drinking on everyone and everything except the truth...the disease. I pray for strength and comfort for you and your children.

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

((((cabma)))))

Boy have I been in your shoes. First of all I'd like to say, he's right, we are responsible for our own happiness. So when the day comes and he sees your happiness and still wonders why he's miserable, you will be able to remind him of his own words. This can be such a great time of discovery for you, if you make it about you.

Give yourself time, it is such an emotional rollercoaster ride. I've often said I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but for me, I'd not trade the last year and a half for anything. I've had the opportunity to find out who I am and also get to see how much this disease truly affects me. It has given me time away from the A -- time I've used to work on me and get healthy. The best comment I've ever gotten from my A was, "You are just like you use to be when we first met." Hmmm wonder why lol. The thing is I didn't think I'd ever get back to who I use to be before Alcoholism took it's toll on my life, but I'm making progress.

I also have two children, married 13 yrs. It is hardest on the kids. Be as honest as you can with them and be prepared that as many emotional ups and downs as you have, that they will have just as many-- maybe more.

Try to make it to as many f2f meetings as you can, and if you don't already have a sponsor -- now's the time. My sponsor really helped me to keep my focus and reminded me constantly to lean on my HP/God, which was what got me thru the first few months until I could see that in it's own way, his leaving was a blessing.

(((((lots of hugs to you and your children)))))

mebjk · Senior Member

Hello, cabma,
Thank you for your honest sharing with us. My own experience, strength, and hope is this: Going to meetings, speaking at meetings, getting a phone list and using the list when you are lonely or sad or unsure of yourself or going crazy, and finding a sponsor to help you work the steps will all help you to get clearer about yourself. The program works.
Through Alanon, you will learn how to take care of yourself through this time of transition for you and your children.
You are already clear about a lot, and you have a lot of courage to be where you are today!
Thanks for being here. It helps us, too.
Blessings,
mebjk

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

cabma,

Here's a page explaining "Dry Drunk Syndrome" that may give you some explanatin of your husband's actions.

Dry Drunk Syndrome

I'm sorry that after the difficulty of active active alcoholism that you must go through this too. Our lives often take paths we don't expect but we have the choice to make the best of all situations. It sounds like you may be ready and willing for a fresh start and a new life. Alanon can certainly help you along the way.

Keep coming back,
Christy

bd · Veteran Member

Stay strong hon, thanks for sharing. You can only control your own happiness. My prayers are with you.

kissers · Senior Member

Maybe this is HP's way of giving you the space away from him to do things for yourself and HP can work on him. My family is so engulfed in the disease that they blame me for their unhappiness, so I have shut the door on them. This will make them face their own crap. Do you have the book, Dilemma of The Alcoholic Marriage? It may give you some comfort. I'm going back to school to finish my degree, making new friends, taking hot bubble baths, going for walks, meditating, finding humor in everyday life situations, creating a website for a business I want to start, listening to music, etc. I am finding peace and happiness. Finally knowing I am responsible for my own happiness is creating a whole lot of joy in my life. I'll say a prayer for you. Hugs to you.

kspear · Veteran Member

(((((cabma))))) I've got no great words of wisdom. Just know you are not alone.

Take Care,

Karen

-- Edited by kspear at 12:02, 2006-04-02

Mollyd · Member

Cabma,

I want to thank you for your post. It really helped me. Our stories are different, but similar. My husband (A) just got his 1 year medallion. He IS working recovery - which includes honesty. Our marriage is in shambles. I feel abandoned - as he is now saying he doesn't know if he wants to work on it.

Like you, I know I need to be responsible for my own well being. I am not being abandoned, as marriage involves free will. My ah has the right and duty to be honest - I need to handle it. But, oh is it hard, and I feel suffering.

A meeting yesterday I went to was on the topic of acceptance - really accepting - that is what I am working on. I pushed at this relationship relentlessly to make it what I wanted it to be, I pushed, and pushed. I aspire to stop this insane behavior. To let it be whatever it is. To refrain from getting lost in my feelings of abandonment, which means I accept I feel lonely and sad and work on me, and let him be.

Thank you for your post - and those that responded to it - it was words I needed to hear this morning.

Molls.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think a's often seek escape rather than face up to their issues. I would think it is typcial in recovery for people to end relationships rather than face up to their issues in it. I know me and my exhusband did that. I think it was mutual blame for a long long time. In fact I still believe my exhusband blames me for the demise in the relationship. Every relationship is 50/50. Sometimes for people the easiest thing is to flee.

I think the A I live with flee's regularly. The issue is that I refuse to take it personally now. I refuse to see it as a reflection on I have not tried hard enough in the relationship. I know I am commited to my recovery and whatever that means I will do it. I no longer think about his commitment to whatever he says he is commited to. I am no longer as over involved in his life.

The A regularly says he is leaving or doing some great leap. I no longer take it as gospel.

Maresie.

Serenity2Cherish · Member

Thanks for your sharing. I myself am in your same situation. My husband told me on Friday I am no longer in his future. We have been married for 18 year and have two girls. As I wrote in my other posting I am looking to make new friends that has been in this situation or is going throught it too. I feel I have use all the help I can get. So, please email me anytime.

Heather

Serenity2Cherish · Member

Thank you for your response to cabma's posting. I am going through the very same thing. Your sharing has helped me.

Heather

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((Cabma)))))))))))) <----hugs,

Welcome to MIP.

Addicts blame others for their unhappiness. It's just what they do. Easier to blame you than to look within and make some changes.

For me, the travesty was when I would believe what "my loved ones" said about me or about my feelings. Today, with this room and message board and with my Alanon meetings, I know what other's say about me "is not my business."

How you feel, what you do, how you react, how you treat your children is all about you and that's all you can control.

Keep coming and keep posting, it helps.

Maria123

cabma · Member

Thanks for all the great replies to my post. We're all so different yet so alike. My husband finally called on sunday afternoon saying he just couldn't leave (he was holed up in a drug house for the past 52 hours, he's a crack addict) but would come home when we were gone to the kids sporting events. He asked me why he still did what he did even after he gave me the papers and told me about separating? He thought he should have been happier. I didn't tell him that if he thought leaving would cure his problem, he's not thinking straight. He was asleep when we got home. He went in late to work this morning so we talked/argued. I guess he forgot about what he said the day before. He asked if I read the separation papers he gave me and how I felt about them. I told him I don't always say what's on my mind since he always turns it around and makes my feelings seem unimportant (at least to him) or spins a whole new story. He's so hard to argue with. He's supposed to be leaving at the end of May, he's waiting for an apartment to open up. He thinks he's only a paycheck to me and since he'll be paying alimony and child support, I'll be happy when he's gone. I told him I would, but not because of the money, I'm just tired of this rollercoaster. I never know if he wants to leave or wants to stay. He's left before and threatened to leave so many other times I can't count. I've never felt that he was committed to this relationship and I told him so. He always runs away from his problems or what he doesn't like. He won't even sit and watch TV with us unless it's something he wants to watch. He tells me I don't make the kids do anything around the house and then will tell me how great they are because of me! He says he doesn't love me and wants to be alone and then he'll say he does and can't stand living alone. I don't know what to think anymore. All I can do is take this day by day. And he wonders why I love the dog more than him....

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