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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> what if the A is not "active"?
Post Info TOPIC: what if the A is not "active"?
drucilla06


Senior Member

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what if the A is not "active"?
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Hi everyone.


Have been reading these posts and going to the meetings for several months now.I have been in and out of Alanon for the last 16 years but this time I am staying because I have become humble enough to realize I need it.I need you.I have always been a loner and a hard person to get to know.I was raised to keep my problems to myself,you don't 'air your dirty laundry'.Of course I learned that from my mom, a good woman who has had to deal with alcoholics all her life.She married one,my dad,and had 7 children all alcoholics except me.Guess I got more of her genes that the others did.


Anyway,most of the posts on here seem to be from people with active alcoholics in their lives.I also married an A but he quit drinking 16 years ago.He goes to AA.As far as I know he has worked the steps and loves his higher power,however he has not gotten better.In some ways he is harder to live with now than when he was drinking.He was not a mean drunk,never violent,didn't go to bars,he drank at home.But since sober I see self centeredness,lies,disrespect,things I never saw in him before.He is not the same man I married.


I am wondering if there are others out there who live with 'sober' A's and have similar issues.We will be separating as soon as we can sell this house and I need some ES & H to go on with my life.Occasionally I will see a post from someone who has moved out and I search for those.So I thought I would start it as a topic.


I know I am a true 'alanut' having grown up with the disease in my family and then marrying into it at 17.There must be other alanons out there who have spouses who got sober.I would like to know if my experience is common.


Thanks,sorry this is so long.  Love you all.



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Powerless


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RE: what if the A is not "active"?
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I don't know much about a sober or recovering addict...unfortunately.  I am wondering how well he could be working his program and how honest he could with his program if he has so many negative behaviors. I don't have any answers for you, but truly find the answers you are seeking.

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Christy


~*Service Worker*~

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RE: what if the A is not "active"?
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Here's a page explaining "Dry Drunk Syndrome" that may give you some explanatin of your husband's actions.

Dry Drunk Syndrome



Keep coming back,
Christy



-- Edited by Christy at 01:35, 2006-04-02

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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them.  And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
kspear


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RE: what if the A is not "active"?
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Dru-


This is my experience only, take it for what it's worth.  While I am a member of Alanon, I am also a member of AA.  I have seen many who have been in recovery for a number of years that frankly, I wouldn't want what they have.  They put the plug in the jug, they changed a few externals, but really they are the same. 


AA is a spiritual program which requires change.  The first page in one piece of their literature states that we need to experience a profound personality change.  I know for me that working the 12 steps have made it impossible for me to be the same.  There are times where I fall short - I try to be honest in all things, but sometimes my fears/insecurities get the better of me and I am less than honest.  But I find it very difficult to live with it and usually end up having to correct myself and make amends.  Sometimes I ignore HALT and end up losing my temper, but because that's so different for me from how I am lately, my conscience gets the better of me and I have to make amends post haste. 


The AAs that I hang with generally practice the steps in all realms of their life to the best of their ability as well.  Remaining mean and angry and dishonest is not "supposed" to be the end result of working the AA program.


As an alanon, I'm living with a non-using, but mean, cranky, ornery 18 year old son.  I have a "sort-of" active ex doing really stupid things. I have an active father that is dying from the disease.  I have lost 2 grandfathers to the disease, and a cousin as well.  I'm learning the tools in this program to deal with how I respond to that.  The detaching, although very, very new and very, very hard for me, seems to be key.  And getting over the guilt is key for me too. 


No matter which perspective I am working the 12 steps from, I am working them on me.  I need to keep the focus on me - my behavior, my attitudes, my motives, my thinking and my spirituality. 


I don't have "answers" for you, per se, but I do know that I can only work on my program and if I'm doing that, I'm *okay*.


Take care,


Karen


 



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bd


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Thanks for the reality check.  I guess we assume sometimes that take the booze away and they will revert back to the people that we love.  And when they don't we find disappointment.  Thank you for sharing.

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maresie


~*Service Worker*~

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A friend of mine lives with an A who is dry (he did not go to the program).  She says he is extremely difficult to live with. He is overinvolved with his family of origin, has lots of boundary issues and more.  I do know that I went out with a man in AA for a few years. He was totally invested in the program and used to speak eleoquently about his using days. He did not really work the steps though.  He got as addicted to the program as he was to his using. He spent pretty much all of his time in the program (every night). There was not much room for a relationship.  Of course then I didn't know how to be in a relationship anymore than he did.  I was also very very depressed and had no idea how to manage that either. I see many people in AA fearful of looking at their issues. For some of them the thought of entering a depression (and depression does come for some people as they work the steps) is seen as a step back.


I also briefly was invovled with another man in AA who was as you describe mean, volatile, fearful and fervent about not addressing his issues.  He was extremely critical of everyone one in the program and really loathe to look at his issues. These days I do not find myself as involved with people who are not working their program. I also don't find myself involved with many people at all. I pulled back. 


I think it can be extremely hard to come to terms with and embrace that some people only go so far and not take it as a personal affront. I had a lot of fantasies when my mother died that my younger sister would sober up and get recovery. That did not happen. For me exploring those fantasies has been so so key to getting recovery and coming to a place of acceptance.  These days I can "accept" my younger sister may never get recovery and not be in a place of rage about it. I think it was a tremendous struggle to get there.


Maresie.



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Maresie
drucilla06


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Thanks to those who responded.You know I am just thinking now that it really does not matter anyway.As I said we will be separating when the house is sold and I am looking so forward to that.I want a divorce too.


I am going to get my own place and take time to heal from all this.I need to focus on me,and that is what I have been trying to do.Thanks, Christy for the 'dry drunk' information.I realize now that he is dry drunk and he will not change unless he really wants to.He is looking for another sponsor now because the one he has  is telling him he needs to work the steps and focus more on his recovery.He does not want to do that.It is over with us.Not just because he has found 'the joy of his life' online,that was just the catalyst that brought the marriage to an end.It has really been over for a long time.Something he said today made me think that maybe he has always been this way,drinking or not.I have just always tried to make him see and make him change.I was always working on the marriage.Mostly because of fear of moving out on my own.I was so young when I left home and married him and have been with him 36 years.I always believed in God and didn't want divorce so I tried to change myself every way I could to make him happy.I lost myself in the process.I am an intelligent person yet this whole thing about alcoholism and it's effects on me just never entered my mind.It wasn't until just recently I realized that I have been affected by the disease all my life.My whole family is A's except my mother.(and me)I just thought I had a dysfuntional family,so many people do.Now I realize the reason I am different from them and have always been the outcast is because I don't drink.


So, I am going to stop trying to figure out why he is the way he is and why he does what he does.I think I know the answer to that now.Now I need to know why I do what I do and why I am the way I am.That I can do.And that I can change.I feel very positive about Alanon now.Now I understand why I need it.


Love to all of you.Thanks for being here.  (((((alanon))))


 



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