The material presented
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I've been reading posts about people saying that their 'a's have tried to quit, hidden alcohol, etc. and I realize that I've never spent much time trying to get my 'a' to quit, so he's never hidden it from me. I mean - I've talked about it a lot, but have never said things like 'if you don't quit, I'll leave' or anything like that has made him feel threatened. Of course I've also known that I wouldn't have been able to anyway - so I've pretty much left it alone. He's spent a lot more time trying to change ME than I - him.
Suddenly, I've realized that I didn't know what he would be like if he stopped drinking, and since the drunk is the emotional one, who tells me how wonderful I am or how horrible I am - depending on how he feels at the time and the sober one doesn't pay much attention to me, I realize that in an odd way - I haven't wanted him to stop or rather been afraid of what he would be like if he couldn't have that drink. Am I addicted to the drunk?
Not that I haven't wanted him to stop the bad behavior (of course I can't stand it), but it seems as though when he is sober he has no emotions whatsoever. All he does is work and talk about work and things that have to get done and pretty much just business. I can't even imagine what he'd be like if he stopped drinking, but I get this feeling like I'd want to be with him even less.
So does this mean that I've purposely (but subconsciously) enabled him to drink? That is a very scary thought. I love the 'feeling' person, and this is the only time that he seems to feel. Does anyone get what I'm saying here? You know - like hearing that I am the most intelligent beautiful woman in the world, and that he could love me that much, seems to go to my head - even though I know it's the alcohol talking. I even know that he could probably say the same thing to someone else quite easily too, so I'm purposely in this denial. Geesh - I feel terrible even just thinking of the prospect!
Ultimately though - this disease has become my disease and I am very sick. I'm depressed, I ache every day, the stress of his presence is unbelievable, and I'd really give anything to have a normal, happy life again, so I'm still trying to understand what's stopping me!
This is a powerful post, HadEnuf, it sounds like a first step post. I have had experiences in Alanon where I have had to face something about myself that has/is difficult to accept. But the peace and understanding in the program have helped me to move ahead. Keep taking care of yourself. Make a list of of taking care of yourself means. Make sure you do some of those things every day. Make sure you get a sponsor who can walk the program with you. As we say in the Program: more will be revealed. Blessings, mebjk
I have been on both sides of this.My A husband drank for the first 20 years of our marriage.He was a silly drunk, wasn't mean or violent.Repeated himself and embarrased me in front of people.Would fall asleep on the way home in the car.But he worked every day and handed over his paycheck.We did things, traveled.I am not saying life was wonderful, I hated the drinking actually.But when he decided to stop and started going to AA,I thought I would have the same loving man only the bad stuff would be gone.It hasn't turned out that way.
Drinking, he,like your husband,told me I was beautiful,said he couldn't ever love anyone else.Was always willing to try to comfort me when I was down.It wasn't a perfect marriage,and that is because I think we are just very different people.But I came to really love him even with the drinking.Now he is self centered,only thinks and talks about himself.He lies.Never says I am pretty or that I look nice.I don't even think he notices me most of the time.All the good things I loved about him are gone.I don't want him to drink again because that would be bad for him,but I miss the other man.Since he has been 'sober' he has been chasing other women as well,something he didn't do before.I am so confused,that is why I started the topic of A's that don't drink.
I remember a small fear inside me when he quit drinking that I might lose him.I am ashamed to admit that but I think I had control that I was afraid of losing.I know control is based on fear.Well I have lost him.Now he says he was never happy.Maybe I wasn't either.
Sorry,I don't think I helped you much. I am glad you are here.Your pm to me had such insight,I was very touched by it.You keep doing what you are doing.You are making progress.
I have bought my husband marijuana. I have given him money for it. I have looked the other way when I knew he was going to by cocaine or crack. Because I didn't want to deal with his withdrawals and mood swings. I bought his marijuana because he was so much easier to get along with and was much nicer to me and the children. The more I did that, the more he used it as a reason that he couldn't get clean. How could I cry about his addiction when I was buying his marijuana? If he got clean he might not need me. If he got clean I might not like the person I married. I certainly understand how people enable. I understand how they feel and their fear about their spouse getting clean. For so long I blame everything that goes wrong in our life on the addict. If he gets clean who will I blame my problems on? Will I have to start looking at myself? If I am working my program honestly and looking at myself anyway, I have less fear of him getting clean.
I think A's can flip from one addiction to the other. Certainly the A I live with flips from work addiction to alcoholism and back again. Unfortunately work addiction brings its own issues. I know I can have that issue too and sometimes I can still find myself thinking oh if only I could work all the time then my problems would be less. I know in theory they would not but it is a great distraction.
I think I've lived my life personally flipping from codependence to work addiction to food addiction to debting to lots of stuff.
There are many many great distractions. Somewhere along the way I forgot how to live if I ever knew in the first place. I think my own flitting from one form of acting out to another meant I had no bottom lines, no boundaries and no red flags. I could not see when someone was moody and miserable and cantakerous. If I had no boundaries how could I expect someone else to have them.
I try these days to work on my own HALT issues and keep building on them. I know when I am in control of myself I can work so much better at being in life on life's terms rather than trying to hide/force/control others.
