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I feel completely isolated and alone. This is going to be long, and honestly, I dont really expect anyone to read it, but I think just writing it all down will make me feel better.
My husband and I have been together for around 9 years, married almost 3. He has always had issues with depression, but was basically a normal functional person. His primary complaint was insomnia, and while he was willing to seek treatment for insomnia he refused counseling or SSRIs. Prior to 2017 he had very few issues with alcohol but got addicted to ghb twice and then xanex. Eventually he quit both, and during the time he was dependent on them I was unhappy about his substance abuse, but he wasnt a monster. I have always found it concerning that when angry his default reaction is to hurt the people around him as much as possible, and he has a tendency to lie about anything and everything.
In 2017 he started drinking more frequently. He stopped being able to regulate how much he was drinking, and when he started drinking he wouldnt stop until he ran out. This was very concerning to me, as he would sometimes get very angry and aggressive but after a bad night he would feel guilty and say he wouldnt do it again. I was frustrated, but his promises to stop generally lasted a few months and that was long enough for me to feel like it wasnt a chronic thing. He began stealing my prescription drugs. His response to being caught was always frustration that I would dare be upset, because he doesnt sleep well and needed it, even though he was taking my Xanex which he had previously been addicted to. He answer was always ughh ill buy you more, and felt my complaint was in the missing drugs, not his drug abuse, lies, and thefts. He felt offering to buy me illegally acquired replacements be should end the discussion.
Within the last 6 months things have really taken a dark turn. The amount and frequency of his drinking increased and progressively he was becoming more aggressive. He got wasted on a few work nights back to back and I realized he had a serious problem.
One night he drove over to my moms house to help her with something. He was there only a few minutes but he called me as he was leaving and said that he was drunk. My mother who barely drinks had kept giving him shots of vodka. I told him to pull over and said I would come get him. He hung up on me. Two minutes later he called me back, and said that someone had hit his car and drove off. I rushed over and his car was completely destroyed. There were no other cars involved, he had not noticed a roundabout and ended up driving onto a bunch of rocks and boulders. I am not proud of myself, but I am terrified of doing anything that I cant take back, so instead of calling the police I reasoned that the only thing that was damaged was his car. I told him to call an Uber and that I would have the car towed. He was completely belligerent and was ranting and raving at me, refusing to leave and calling me horrible names. I had never seen him like that. It wasnt like we were fighting, he was saying anything he could think of to attempt to hurt me. Eventually he left and I was able to get the car towed. When I got home he opened the garage holding what looked like an assault rifle and wanted to point it at the tow truck driver. I knew it was an air soft gun and that we didnt have any real guns in the house and was able to get him back inside. When he guy left he kept telling me it was real and pointing it at me.
The next day he felt terrible and said he was done drinking. My mom was blown away and said she had not given him anything to drink. He had chugged an entire bottle of vodka in the 5 minutes she was in her bedroom, and then refilled it with water.
Things were better for a few weeks, but have gotten progressively worse.
Up until about a month ago he was getting drunk between 2-3 nights a week. He was never physically violent, but the cycle was always the same. He would attempt to start a fight with me about something stupid. It didnt matter what I said or did, he would start calling me horrible names, and telling me how good looking he is and how ugly I am. I knew not to engage him, and didnt ever yell or call him names. He would move onto how we were not married when we bought the house and because its only in his name he will get everything and they will never find his crypto money. He will find a hot rich woman he makes more then my 40k a year (he makes around 100k) and how I will have nothing. He has a list of things he thinks will hurt me and would just spew horrible cruel things and then an hour later would change his mind and say how he will never leave me and nag me for kisses and force me to let him massage my feet.
When I talked about things with him the next day he would deny having a problem, Hes just depressed and hates his job and wouldnt do it again. I felt bad for him a few times, so he started threatening to kill himself when he was drunk. This scarred me, so he kept doing that for a while until I realized it was just a manipulation tactic.
About a month ago I got sick of it and admitted to him when sober that I had taken videos of him, and corrected him when he talked about all of the horrible things he could do to me. For example, no this is a no fault community property state. It doesnt matter my name isnt on the mortgage. I am not just going to let you keep everything we own. When he was drunk again I locked him out of the bedroom when he wouldnt stop following me. He forced me to the ground and took my phone to delete any evidence he could find. Since then he has punched walls, and talked about how he would kill me if it was legal and how he would enjoy it. He would punch at my face and then stop just short of hitting me. When I talk to him about it he blames and gaslights me.
He promised to quit, but not because he has a problem, but because its too stressful to feel judged by me. He is sick of the way me being upset makes him feel. Hes never sorry, he just feels bad for himself because I could make him look bad to others, and that makes him feel threatened. I told him that I wanted to support him but no longer believed he could do it without help. He took this as I didnt believe in him and that he would prove me wrong.
Three days after the above promises I realized he was stealing my Xanex again. I asked him if he had taken it, and he said he had not been sleeping, and was very defensive. He told me to hide them if I didnt want him taking him. The next day he got drunk and stole more xanex. He was horrible, and in response to me threating to call the police if he didnt leave me alone said he would plant drugs on me and get me arrested. This is ridiculous, and its more about attempting to threaten me with what I have threatened to do with him, but its clear he will do or say anything he can do hurt me and burn everything to the ground when drunk and angry. The next day we talked about it and he again said he was depressed, didnt have a problem, and that he was just stressed about all the threats I had been making and felt I was gathering evidence to leave him. He felt I was being controlling by asking about him taking my drugs and not allowing him to have a drink to relax. I told him I had let him get away with enough and to leave me alone when he was drunk and if he did anything illegal I would no longer hesitate to call the police, and he had been warned.
The past two weeks he has been getting drunk almost every night. He buys 40s of old English and keeps them hidden in our hot garage. Last year he would only drink mixed drinks and premium craft beers. He puts the warm OE in a cup and hides the bottles, thinking I have no idea. Beyond the rages, its incredibly obvious. Heck the moment he starts drinking the dogs panic and climb onto my lap and refuse to go near him, even when he offers them food. I have had to lock them up a few times because I feared they would attack him.
He never used to pass out, but since he started drinking the malt liquor hes been passing out every evening. Last night my mom came over to pick something up. Hes always been great with her, as she can be a little confused, but within 60 seconds of entering the house he was screaming at her and calling her names. He told her what she needed was in the garage and when she said she didnt want to open the garage door because the animals might get out, he started calling her stupid and ranting at her about how the garage has two doors. She accused him of being drunk and left. He spent the rest of the night ranting about how dare she accuse him for being drunk, and how she wasnt welcome in HIS home anymore. Thank god he eventually passed out.
Today I told him he was completely inappropriate and needed to call her and apologize. He argued that he does stuff for her and she doesnt do anything for him (untrue), and he had to repeat himself about the dumbest shit, and he refused to make amends.
When hes sober and not trying to gaslight me and deflect from his own behavior hes a great guy, but I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont even bother calling him out, because even sober there is no point. He continues to make excuses, and even sober his logical and justifications make no sense. Hes a highly intelligent person but even sober he just gets agitated and aggressive talking about the things he has said and done. One of his most recent rages was triggered by asking if he had been drinking. He was totally happy and fine, and then started attacking me to deflect from the fact that he was in fact drunk. The next day he said he was sorry but he feeling resentful that he makes so much more money that I do, and that he feels insecure and threatened by the videos I have of him. The truth was even his sober response was a complete rewrite of reality to shift the blame onto me.
If I were to leave him, financially I would be in trouble, and I know he would anything and everything to destroy me. Its hard because I love him, but I dont know how much longer I can do this. More then anything I want him to get help, but I know that he has to want help, and there is nothing I can do until he is ready. Emotionally I feel destroyed, but I have no support system and he would put me though hell if I left him. Legal or not, there would be nothing (other then violence) that he wouldnt do to get as much as he could and make my life hell.
Hugs, (((Linknomi))), I'm so sorry about all of what's going on.... If you haven't attended Alanon meetings yet please seek them out. That's where you will find other people who understand and have gone through similar situations and/or feelings. I read your share and can so identify, a lot of the crazy stuff with the alcoholic was similar with my ex-abf too, in the last two years I was with him especially. We do not give advice in this program, except for situations where physical violence is concerned. Your partner sounds very unstable and I urge you to make a quick escape plan, to use if needed at a moments notice. Others here suggest in some situations contacting domestic violence office for help/advice, but I don't have any experience with that. I can share that my ex is also a good guy when sober and thinking clearly, very intelligent and talented, but the disease of alcoholism has, in his worst times, turned him into a very, very sick, agressive, unfair, rude, controlling person. When I met him he was always very considerate. Fast forward about 10 years of drinking and there were times when he was mad as a devil. And I could not control that. It's sad, unfair, painful, but its reality. I'm glad you know his blaming is just words... In Alanon there are the 3 Cs that I learned early on - I didn't cause the alcoholism, I can't control it, I can't cure it. I hope you don't mind my saying that, but what you wrote about him making your life hell if you leave... Isn't it already? I was torn about leaving or not leaving for a while and some people who had a lot more program under their belt here on this forum have said, you'll know when you'll know (if/when to leave). And I did, the time came when I knew for sure, and I left. Its almost a year since then and I see clearly how much there is still to work on myself, because I didn't get well just because I left the alcoholic, cuz so much of the craziness is my own that had just been magnified by my exs alcoholism. I really hope you take care of yourself, there's hope and help in this program, and lots of people who "get it". Keep coming back!!
I am also alarmed by the physical violence issues because those usually escalate. I do encourage you to get to meetings as well because there is a great deal of help however the domestic violence issues can be addressed closer though a local domestic violence office. It is important to continue to stay safe. The saying I live by is have a plan A however there are another 25 letters in the alphabet .. don't be afraid to use them.
Hugs and welcome, I hope you will keep coming back and find some meetings to attend .. because you are not alone.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Welcome to MIP Linknomi - glad you found us and glad that you shared...Alcoholism is progressive, powerful and a family disease - which means all are usually affected by the drinking of one. I too suggest finding and attending Al-Anon meetings. What we come to discover is we need our own recovery to heal from the affects of this disease in others.
I suggest seeking local meetings and attending. Keep coming back here too - you are not alone and there is always hope and help in recovery.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi, I read your post. I remember feeling the way you do, isolated and alone. Firstly, know that you are not alone, many people have faced similar situations. I myself identified with a lot of what you wrote. I have found hope and help in al anon meetings. I too suggest you seek out al anon.
I also wanted to say that in Al Anon we don't offer advice unless aomeone is in danger. Some of what you mentioned suggests to me that this might be relevant to your situation. Only you can be the only judge of whether you're in danger, but because of the nature of this disease and the experience of violence it can be hard to see things when we are in them. There are domestic violence support services in every state and you will be able to speak to someone about your situation, learn from someone with experience and decide whether you want to do anything about it from a more informed perspective.
The ex A totalled a lot of cars. One of them I paid for I had a lot of focus on his behavior Al anon.hss some great tools 8n detaching Al.anon.will also help with minimizing the arguing arguing with an alcoholic dies not work of course we want to.argue with.them. Nevertheless I.found step bybstep improvements in the quality of life when I.followed al.an9in. I.still do.
Welcome to this wonderful warm and caring group This group has been particularly helpful in my.recovery
