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I've seen quite a number of people question this, yet I see infidelity peppered through many posts. I think that we believe that because our 'A' needs us so much that they will not do this, and many of you say it is a deal breaker.
Well I thought it would be for me too, but it wasn't. The first time I caught him, he had gone to the bar with my sister (who also has alcoholic tendencies). I had given up social drinking when I met him, because I had to be the dd and also because it wasn't fun or social any longer.
That night he wanted to go out drinking and my sister did too, so I said - why don't you two go together? Is that trust or what, but seriously, I really didn't think he'd do anything, and when he's falling down drunk he's not very appealing. I heard him get back around 1:00 a.m. or so and I know he was very drunk. My sister lived in our next door apartment with her bf (who was away at the time). He didn't come right up to bed, so I went down to check. The door to his den was locked from the inside and I called him but he didn't answer. I found the key, and when I went in he wasn't there. I went through the back to my sister's place, and sure enough they were all over each other. They both kept falling down, they were so drunk but he kept trying to get his hands down her pants. I just watched - as though I was in a dream and I was thinking to myself, what should I do? They were both pathetic looking, and instead of being jealous, I was thoroughly disgusted! Finally, he got on top of her on the couch and that was it!
I went in (the door was even unlocked) and I just stood there. They both looked up at me with a 'what's happening' drunken glazey eyed look and I realized that they really didn't KNOW what they were doing. I just told them off - can't even remember what I said, but I was calm - like the mother finding her kids doing something bad. Then I left - and he still didn't come home for another 15 minutes.
The next day I was furious with both of them, and he was blaming her and saying that she took her clothes off and enticed him and she was saying she was so drunk and she wasn't attracted to him at all and that she hadn't invited him over in the first place. It was so sickening to me that I decided then that it was over. I wouldn't let him touch me for a couple of weeks, but I did get over it eventually - ONLY BECAUSE I COULD SEE HOW DRUNK THEY WERE, and somehow that made it a little easier to take. It wasn't like it was planned and done secretively over time or that type of betrayal, although even in his drunken state - he did think to lock the den door.
I saw first hand that it was all about the alcoholic nature of no inhibitions. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. As a matter of fact, it hurts too much. Nothing prepares you for the first time, but if you stick around after that, the first time prepares you for the next time. It's hard to ever truly trust again, and I don't. It's sad that it has had to be this way, but even after forgiveness - regaining trust is one of the most difficult things there is.
I'm learning through coming here that detaching isn't the same thing as closing off all of your feelings, and I'm thankful for that - considering that I've been learning through this experience to close off my feelings, and that has been terrible for me.
What a feat that you can look at this and be open to what came up for you.
I have felt tremendously betrayed by some of the A's actions. I think he acts out his emotions rather than talks about them. I also think that I am tremendously sensitive to betrayal having been betrayed enormously in my family of origin. I want the impossible never to be hurt again.
I am so humbled by your honesty and willingness to look objectively at this issue. I cannot look objectively that often at the A. I just see and feel my own hurt.
Theres also As who have trouble performing naturally before even having that first drink. They tell their spouses to go ahead and do "whatever they need to do" so they wont be responsible for their spouses happiness and can still drink.
I truly believe that infidelity and addiction go hand in hand. I am not saying that all addicts or alcoholics cheat, but I am saying that it seems to be fairly common. Their inhibitions are lowered. I believe you said it best in a previous post that they attempt to pretend, at least to themselves, that they are normal. Would so many women want me if there was something wrong with me? They don't realize that the women don't truly know them. They don't realize that they often pick women as sick as them. They are experts at justification and lies.
My husband and I talked all day yesterday and today. He told me that he honestly can't say why he had the affair. But in his mind, he justified it by telling himself that things weren't working out between us, we were fighting all of the time and he was probably going to leave me. When we talked about all of this he told me that he had a CDV charge on him and it scared him. He felt like I was pushing him to get clean and he wasn't ready to change hid life for me. This other woman believed everything he said because she didn't know better. She was also wiring him money so that he could use. I am not excusing what he did and I still feel incredibly hurt and betrayed. But, I think I can understand it. Do I think that it has to do with his addiction? Yes! I am 100% certain that at least in his case, it goes hand in hand.
This is only my experience/opinion, for what it's worth.
Alcoholism is a physical, mental, and spiritual disease. It is said that when one finally reaches their alcoholic bottom, they are spiritually and morally bankrupt.
I do not, however, believe it is a "part of the disease", but merely another "symptom" of the moral bankruptcy. I also do not believe that physical abuse is a "part" of the disease. But it does seem to accompany it a lot as well.
An alcoholic not only has to stop drinking in order to recover, but according to the AA literature, needs to experience a profound personality change, a spiritual awakening. That indicates that there just might be something wrong with his/her personality in the first place.
Whether they go hand in hand, whether they are part and parcel, it is still up to me to decide what I can and cannot live with. Infidelity was one I decided I could not live with and I have been separated from my husband for 11 years now, actually almost 12. Others decide they can live with it. Neither way is right or wrong. We all must decide for ourselves. For some it is the dishonesty. For some it is the anger, the temper.
An alcoholic can be a good person who is sick. They can also be an evil person who is sick. My grandfather physically and sexually abused his daughter (my mom) and tried to do the same with me, and drinking was used as the excuse. I do not believe he was evil because he drank. I believe he was evil...and drank.
I can't imagine what you've gone through but it is true, a lot of A's either conveniently use it as an excuse for their wretched behavior or it just has to keep getting worse for them to get the same pay offs, making those around them feel miserable & brought down to their level. It is my belief it is a part of their disease but it doesn't make it any easier to bear.
I used to think my addicted ex husband just had to verbally abuse me worse each & every day, if I was still there even though he was so cruel, in his mind, I must have deserved it! Finally one day as he said a million times, "it's my way or the highway" I hit the highway & never looked back.
You have to live your own life & do what is right for you, no one but you can determine what that is. I know this is a progressive family disease. It destroys love & is abusive to those it touches.
I found out my step-father of 26 years had been cheatting on my mother for 15 of those devoted yrs & I wanted to rip him limb from limb! Took me a while to work out my extreme anger but, none of my business, not my husband.
I simply just try to focus on myself now, one day at a time, without guilt. Keep posting, sharing & coming back, glad you're here.
love, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You are stronger than you know.. I sure hope that infidelity isnt part of the disease as i dont believe that my A has cheated yet. But reading the posts on this board sure give you reason to see that it is a symptom. I agree they are morally bankrupt. Sad but true..
