The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the things I was worried about was my A getting a counselor that was worried about only the patient and not the family. My contention after all is, that it is a family disease.
She was released from the hospital 16 days ago. In that time she has made 3 AA meetings and she just started her outpatient Thursday.
Yesterday she calls me full of piss and vinegar from her counselor:
She has every right to be at home with her family, her name is on the mortage, she says she is coming home in a week or two and that where she is staying might not be available past that, that her counselor told her that she should have been included in the 'family meeting' that we had with our social worker.
This is all all after her clinician at rehab told her that she was glad that she wasn't being released home because neither she NOR her family was ready.
I spoke to my social worker and mentioned I didn't know if I could still execute the temporary restraining order, she said she just took a class and thinks I could. I mentioned the posibility of divorce and the girls hating me even more. She said that I just had to do what I thought was right.
It sucks when you think that the right decision will have the majority of your kids hating you more than they already do.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Kids are very resilient. They will figure out the truth in time. You have got to do what is best for you. If divorce is the only way then so be it. Just because her name is on the mortgage doesn't give her the right to be there. Enforce the restraining order if you have to and figure out what is best for you. I know you will do the right thing. You are a good dad and a wonderful person. A councelor told my ex that he should file for divorce and try to take our daughter. When he was an A with brain damage! Geez! They are only concerned with the patient at the time and being there for them. That is what they get paid for.
That counselor is getting only one side of the situation and that is probably very slanted. 3 AA meetings in 16 days doesn't show much effort, IMO. Hang tough my friend. Do what you think will be best for your family. I know you have thoughts of what she "needs" to do to recover,(which we aren't supposed to determine) ..lol But it doesn't take much to see when someone is committed to their recovery and also when they are blowing smoke. Like Hax always said.."watch the behavior".
Eventually the kids will love and respect you for giving them a fighting chance for their well being. In their minds the "whole family" is security, because that's how it's always been. They are a bit young to understand the dynamics of alcoholism and how it affects everyone, even though they live with it. No matter if she comes back and attempts recovery or you should decide to divorce, in my eyes you've fought for those kids all the way. Keep the oxygen mask on (((bumpers)))
Wishing you and the kids the best... Love Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
This sounds like deep water to me. I am not at all sure what the boundaries are that you have made with her. I believe you don't want her to come home because the way she behaved before she overdosed were so destructive to the family. I know that getting anything done while homeless can be very difficult. Obviously she isn't thinking long term about what she needs to do long term and focusing on her 'victimization' some of which she contributed to.
A's seem to make a crisis all the time where it is always black and white. In reality it is usually shades of grey isn't it. Clearly you don't have to take on the role of the bad person if you don't feel you are. I think you have legitimate concerns about her coming home and acting out around the children.
Obviously this must all bring up a lot for you and I hope you will share some of those emotions here. I know for me much of my present life living with an A who can be stubborn, obstinate and totally self centered brings many many issues about my family of origin. I cannot simply say oh I have to let that go I have to work through what it brings up and get to some resolution.
most counselors are not concerned about the family. Their job is the A.
You cannot even really be sure what she is actually being told, and what she is hearing, they might be two different things
You have to do what is right for you and the kids. Follow the guidance of your Social worker, she is looking out for the children. Hopefully she will steer you well.
You have been doing a great job and are a wonderful father. hang in there.
Totally relate bump, it is a family disease. I never understood why it wasn't treated as such. The whole family suffers as does the who family need to heal.
We are expected to just let it all go I guess. We have suffered as much as our A's or maybe even more as we have all of our facilities in order and watch them with clear eyes as they do there damage.
I turely think if it was treated as the family disease it is there would be a greater recovery rate.
Hang on tight bump remember you are a fabulous father.
It's hard enough to be a good mom or dad -- then one gets what you are describing.... including a counselor for the a that for whatever reason is making the home situation worse for the kids. But it does come down to you being the parent, and perhaps the best adult at the moment of the 2 choices your kids have. Cause it does sound like your wife's illness talking. Just listening to you ... you'll do fine.
It is so easy when some counselor says, "I just had to do what I thought was right. " Oh yeah, well THAT clears it up nicely for me. But after I step back from words of wisdom like that, I have to admit that it is true. I have to believe that I will make the best choice I can with the info I have, believe that my motives will not be to hurt the other, but to protect me and my children. I have to believe that there are some pieces of information that it are not good for the kids to know about, and so I will not tell the kids such info about their dad, which means that I have more info than they do with regard to the decisions I am making. I did not ask to be put into this position with these facts, but here I am, and I'm the mom.
You are in a tough position. Sometimes doing nothing is the right thing to do. Sometimes it is not. Only you know best, because you have the most information. Take whatever might be useful and leave the rest.
Good luck, take care and keep coming back.
Emma PS Regarding being the adult, when my daughter was very little, and couldn't pronounce adult, or perhaps it was what her little ears were hearing .... well, when she wanted a grown-up to do something she would use her new word -- "a dolt" -- So it was, "Well, mommy/daddy/whomever, you are the dolt and so you must ...." I always remember that when now I must make decisions for my kids ... I am the dolt. ;) If nothing else it makes me smile.
I completely understand about not being ready to have the A back when you are not ready. Had we listened to the original councelors who had suggested that hubby go to the halfway house first, maybe we wouldn't have had so many bumps!
Stand your ground and do what is best for you and the family. The kids will bounce back, they always do. You're a great Dad and they are lucky to have someone who loves them so much, even though they can't see it.
Keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Live strong,
Karilynn and Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
i believe you will explore every available avenue and make the best decision. please remember to care for youself too. that is just as important as the well being of your children are to you. i dont know enough of these things to really suggest anything. i wish there was more I could do. i know this is something only you can decide. love and here for you. (((bump))) right now i understand it is hard to see..... HP will guide you , let Him. My thoughts and prayers are with You always
One day your girls will know you saved thier lives, first. And looked after their happiness, next.
Your steadfast perseverance, your determination, willfulness to do what is in the best interest of your children at this time is so remarkable, so incredible, so commendable. And your clarity in sharing this experience with others has been a great inspiration to me. See, I'm here
I know you are not doing this to get a gold star pinned on your lapel, but you deserve one nonetheless!
I saw this right after you posted it & was speechless. You are really digging in deep & in counseling, growth, healing, a lot of times it gets worse before it gets better. You dig in deep into the pain, agony, fear & anger ~ stir that pot & start to purge, to get to a place of forgiveness, compassion, joy & love again.
You're wife saying, She "has every right to be at home with her family" I would say in inaccurate as she has shown she cannot handle or cope with herself, so having her back jumping right into the family (ack) ~ IMHO ~ she is feeling some consequences & like my mom did, trying to find new & unusual buttons to push. Def a power struggle.
It reminds me of something Dr. Phil says, "with your kids, pick your battles and NEVER lose." I would say this same thing about boundaries & A's.
As far as your kids go... (((((angel hugs to you & your family))))) the situation has gone on so long, everyone hurting SO much, the worst thing is once you have the knowledge/awareness is allowing it to continue. When we know better, we do better.
Seems to me, the longer it went on... the more pain, agony, hurt... gotta take that lance out & prick that cyst, sure it hurts but it also begins the process of healing.
I think your kids are resentful & hurt ~ they don't hate you (love-hate, well okay) they are just having their foot work to go through, as you have had a head start on them for a few months. They are raw & new at it. They will get through it & realize how much you have done this, to save you all.
Remember what I said about putting up signs around the house, positive affirmations? Maybe the 3 C's ~ don't let them get away w/ blaming you, you certainly never poured alcohol down the A's mouth.
I just had an idea, think of your kids objectively, like they are newbies to the Program, talk the 'no blame', give them some slogans. I know it is hard to step back, detach in love but maybe this will take away your feelings of uber responsibility & guilt.
Bob, this is NOT YOUR FAULT! Who would abuse, shove pills, cut, hit those they love?
When we are "lost" & caught up in the disease, we are reacting... you are now ACTING.
I love you & am proud of you, hang in there, this too shall pass!
love, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I think that often times we make decisions based on the reactions of others; especially our children. Our children do not understand all of the ramifications of their wants and desires.
Bump, I would never give advice , especially on a subject I know very little about. You are seeking the truth about your situation, and that is so excellent in my humble opinion.
I like what Kitty said.
You pursue your own truth, and remember what A said is "hearsay", not from the counselor's mouth.
ers are with You always