The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been a trying few months. We have relocated, lost a young nephew and niece the past two months. . My relationship with grown daughter continues to improve and I am grateful, however, she remains in an extremely dysfunctional relationship with someone whom is very unstable. Despite repeated warnings, encouragement, support etc from those who know him best and have advised her to leave and get out, she remains firmly planted in the chaos. I struggle to accept that I am powerless over people, places and things and have been losing sleep that she will be hurt. I have tried everything in my humanly power to encourage her to seek safety and leave. I had tried to just let go and tolerate his presence for the sake of peace but that does not work for me any longer. She is allowed to choose crazy, as I am allowed to choose peace in my life . I realized that this is no different then when she was using drugs and drinking and I was trying to effect change in another person. Does not work! I will continue to love and support my daughter but remove myself from any further drama with him involved for my own peace of mind and wellness. This may limit the amount of time that we get to spend together but I will enjoy the moments we do have and move forward.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Tuesday 13th of March 2018 11:41:15 AM
-- Edited by serenity47 on Tuesday 13th of March 2018 02:58:24 PM
(((serenity47))) - I am sorry that she's still in a frightening situation. Your plan sounds solid - and I do understand fully how hard it is to detach from our children. My sponsor always tells me that they have their own HP and it's not me...this used to irritate me but now I am instead gently reminded of the reality that HP doesn't have grand-children....hang in there - sending you tons of hugs, positive thoughts and prayers!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Serenity47-Wow what a great example of using Alanon tools. You are a role model of what to do in the midst of sadness and worry . Thank you so much for your share. I wish your daughter safety and HP's guidance for good judgement, Lyne
Each day is different then the one before. I have moments where the fear and anxiety seem crippling and dominate my thoughts and conjure up worst case scenarios. Not a good place to be and I don't allow myself to linger there long. I pray that her hp keeps her safe and my hp keeps me sane and out of jail thus my need to remove myself from any face to face contact with him. Getting between a mother bear and her cub is never a good idea. The sane part of me knows I cannot fight this battle for her and she has to figure out why she accepts unacceptable behaviour from the men in her life or the merry go round goes round and round. I need to detach breathe in and breathe out for today.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Wednesday 14th of March 2018 02:49:36 PM
I hear you big time and I'm dealing with similar feelings .. although not as gracefully hard to do when the mini wanna be adult lives in my house.
The whole issue of mama and the cubs .. if I wind up in jail that will be the reason big time .. I have to remind myself I don't look good in prison orange.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Serenity47 - my first 'love' was an abusing alcoholic bartender...I literally tolerated physical abuse as I was afraid to leave, afraid to stay, afraid I wouldn't survive on my own, etc. Looking back, it was almost like I was frozen in time/fear. I can't tell you why or when, but literally one morning, I woke up and felt as if I had been hit in the head by God with a whack. I felt strong, and intuitively knew that I deserved way better than what I was living with.
I made changes that day. It didn't stop everything as he stalked me for 3 years, but I knew in that moment on that day that I was worth way more than he suggested. My hope is this happens for your daughter too....we truly never know what holds on back from safety, but I do still believe that God has a plan and it happens in his time, not ours.
Sending continued thoughts and prayers.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My experience -- when it's real, frightening, etc., and I detached, simply put, there was worry. Period. I think there is supposed to be worry. I think it's normal. Detachment doesn't mean ignore. It doesn't mean I was immune to feelings. Detachment isn't some tool that teaches me how to not care. There is a methodology behind detachment.
When my wife was in danger -- after I got healthy, got better, was doing amazing -- I still worried. My life was wonderful and yet there were unsuccessful suicide attempts, police incidents, hospital incidents, etc. While I detached from being directly involved, a partner, or a participant in these situations -- I was still worried. I was still sad. I still had feelings. What being healthy did for me was that the worry, sadness, and feelings I had, they didn't consume me or overwhelm me and they didn't take over my thinking nor take over my life. Did it mean I spent less time with her? Sometimes. That factored in my boundaries, one of which, I wouldn't engage with her, talk to her, etc., or spend time with her when she was drinking. But while I may have spent less time with her, I was in a place of being healthy and happy.
As long as I wasn't trying to change her, bring about change in her behavior, decisions, actions, and so on -- they I was in a wonderful place. I always say check your motives. Many people say they do that, but in reality, they objectively can't do that. In my experience that is part of our disease.
For me, it's OK to worry...not obsess. Pain is inevitable...suffering is optional.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I think for me one of the things that held me to the alcoholic was being needed. There were a lot of things that kept me there . Even in my friendships there was a lot There for me in being needed and feeling accepted. I d9nt think I was accepted I just felt I was
Serenity47 - my first 'love' was an abusing alcoholic bartender...I literally tolerated physical abuse as I was afraid to leave, afraid to stay, afraid I wouldn't survive on my own, etc. Looking back, it was almost like I was frozen in time/fear. I can't tell you why or when, but literally one morning, I woke up and felt as if I had been hit in the head by God with a whack. I felt strong, and intuitively knew that I deserved way better than what I was living with.
I made changes that day. It didn't stop everything as he stalked me for 3 years, but I knew in that moment on that day that I was worth way more than he suggested. My hope is this happens for your daughter too....we truly never know what holds on back from safety, but I do still believe that God has a plan and it happens in his time, not ours.
Sending continued thoughts and prayers.
Amazing. Thank you for posting this. Whether it's recovery or just knowing when enough is enough...one can pray this day comes sooner than later.
I constantly hear in meetings -- "when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired" -- and, oh, do I ever get that statement. I understand it and I can relate to that statement so very much. Thanks again.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thank you everyone. I am grateful for the progress I have made so far and while I worry a lot, I also keep busy,(that helps tremendously), live my own life and thank god every night for all that I have been blessed with. I never have to look very far at all to see miracles all around me occurring daily.
