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Post Info TOPIC: In need of support


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 9
Date:
In need of support


Good morning all.  I've been in Al-Anon since December so I'm relatively new.  Al-Anon has helped me a great deal both through meetings and the literature.  I'm in real need of support today.  My 21 year old son had 5 months of sobriety and relapsed a few days ago.  At first it seemed like a slip and that he was re-dedicating himself to sobriety, but after a conversation with him yesterday, I'm fearful he's going to leave his sober living house and continue his self-destruction.  I know I can't stop him.  I know I am powerless.  But I'm sad and scared.  Please share any words of wisdom you can.  Thank you.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 16560
Date:

(((Momad)) this is indeed a dreadful disease over which we are powerless. When confronted with a similar situation, I found increased meetings, living one day at a time, trusting HP helped tremendously. Holding Positive thoughts for you and your son.

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 995
Date:

Welcome...you are in the right place...go to face to face meetings, as many as you can, and share what you are feeling, going through, etc. If you don't have a sponsor, get one, and start working with him/her. So, what you are facing and feeling now -- I've been there and I've done that. Many of us have. We know exactly what you are feeling now. Intellectually we know we can't stop them, that we are powerless. That's easy. We know that the alcoholic will not stop drinking UNLESS and UNTIL THEY want to. Period. So, intellectually, we get that, and we get that very well. However, emotionally, we struggle. A loved one is in trouble. We get afraid, terrified. We feel helpless, and hopeless. We get sad, distraught. And we get more too -- we feel many emotions.

So, what do I do when faced with that. I immerse myself in acceptance. Pure and complete acceptance. I couple that with detachment -- both physical and emotional. I add to that my boundaries. Then, I go to a lot of meetings. One a day. There was a period of time where I went to two meetings a day. I called my sponsor, constantly at times. I focused on doing what I needed to do to get through everything I was feeling. My sponsor held my hand and went through it with me. He said to me...I can go to hell with you...but I cannot go to hell for you. And he went with me. We did it together. He gave me all of the insight, perspective, guidance and objectivity that I needed to get through it. If you want to get through it -- go get it -- and you will get through it. I know I couldn't do it alone. Step One and Two told me that, taught me that. Something -- actually, someone -- other than me was going to help me get better.

I also realized that I still had a lot of work to do. Why? Because if my being happy, healthy, etc., was contingent upon the alcoholic not drinking and being in recovery...then I knew that was not good for me. I focused on me, didn't get involved in the decisions the alcoholic was making, leave rehab, stay, go here, go there -- whatever it was, I did not get involved in the decisions...not at all. That was hard. However, the alcoholic had to go through it and figure it out on their own. If for me to be happy/healthy, the alcoholic had to be in recovery and sober -- then I was in trouble. So when the relapse happened, and the alcoholic decided not to get back into a life of recovery -- yes, it was sad. I was upset and distraught. Park of me was angry. I was also terrified. However, I did not let any of those things overwhelm and consume me. I focused on acceptance, detaching from what was going on and the alcoholic, and I re-established and re-implemented and stood by my boundaries. And guess what? I was OK. I was more than OK. I got through it and maintained being healthy.

Keep coming back.

__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 9
Date:

Bo,
Thank you so much. It helps to know someone understands what I'm going through. I was working on acceptance before my son relapsed, which is probably the very reason I have handled it relatively well. It's still painful and terrifying because my son has suicidal ideation, which gets worse when he drinks, but I've been focusing on one day at a time. I will definitely get back to working on acceptance today. Thanks for that. Detachment is another key. Focusing on myself.

Thank you, thank you. Acceptance. Detachment. Boundaries. I must remind myself. I really need a sponsor.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 9179
Date:

(((momsad))) - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I have 2 sons and both are alcoholics. I can honestly say that before I embraced Al-Anon and worked it as best I could, I truly did not think I would ever enjoy life again or forgive myself for not being able to protect them from this disease.

It's a horrible disease and progressive. It's also a family disease as it reaches beyond the drinker to all who love them or live with them. It is so darn hard to let go of our offspring yet my working this program and finding serenity and support gave me what I needed to allow them the dignity of living life on life's terms.

We've had so many tough relapses, I can't even count. Yet I was told and believed that each day of this journey is for learning and we aren't the only ones learning. It took each event, relapse, slip, etc. for them to get sick and tired enough to want to change for them and nobody else. It has truly been a long, painful, stressful journey yet each day I am in recovery it all appears to improve.

Keep working it as best you can - and yes...my sponsor has been a lovely bonus gift from aligning with Al-Anon. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery.

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 995
Date:

momsad wrote:

Bo,
Thank you so much. It helps to know someone understands what I'm going through. I was working on acceptance before my son relapsed, which is probably the very reason I have handled it relatively well. It's still painful and terrifying because my son has suicidal ideation, which gets worse when he drinks, but I've been focusing on one day at a time. I will definitely get back to working on acceptance today. Thanks for that. Detachment is another key. Focusing on myself.

Thank you, thank you. Acceptance. Detachment. Boundaries. I must remind myself. I really need a sponsor.


 

You are welcome, and thank you. It's good to realize and have awareness -- about what you need to work on and that you need a sponsor. With a sponsor, your learning curve will exponentially get shorter. Get to your face to face meetings. Focus on YOU. And, most important, find a sponsor; even a temporary one. Keep coming back.



__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 9
Date:

Thank you to all who responded. This has been a difficult week, although I'm so grateful to Al-Anon because I have some tools now that I didn't have when my son was active in his alcoholism.

Iamhere, I really appreciate what you said about your sons learning from their relapses. I'm trying to put my trust in my Higher Power and not give in to my fears and it helps to remember that the five months of sobriety my son had were not lost. And he did have lessons from this relapse because even after only one drinking event, he had some painful consequences. So I need to continue to hand him over to his Higher Power while I focus on myself and my recovery. When I feel tempted to call and check on my son, when I start obsessing about where he is and what he's doing, I talk to my Higher Power or meditate on acceptance.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 9179
Date:

I hear you momsad and you are spot on. Truly, each day of life, no matter the 'who' is about learning and growing. My first born had 5 years, and the disease convinced him that he was not really an alcoholic. So, he practiced controlled drinking. He's only 25, and I had to remind myself how strong-willed I was at 25. I was ready to face/fight the world and was not very open to the wisdom/experience of others. Needless to say, in less than a year, he lost many things and did learn that he could not control the disease - with the best of efforts and intent.

My second born could never get beyond 60 days. He'd start out, commit to recovery and program, and yet - right after 60 days, also felt that perhaps 'this time', it would be different. After all, he knew more and could 'control it'. He also spiraled out of control - much quicker than his brother - and landed in jail loosing everything, including his home, belongings, etc. The 60 day 'curse' happened several times and it was very painful to watch and endure.

Yet, this last time, for what-ever reason (I believe HP), he's made it to 9 months. It will be 10 months this month. So, my program has helped me to accept and pray and let and let God. I've also worked out focusing on what's good and working instead of what's not working or broken. We all learn from all experiences, good and bad.

There is no shame in sending a text message that just simply says, I hope all is well - I've been thinking about you...I prefer text as it helps me not inquire/engage/pursue what's up....helps me stay on my side of the street! (((Hugs))) - keep coming back - and one day at a time, just find a tool, try it out and it does work when we work it!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 9
Date:

Thank you for sharing, Iamhere. It really helps to know I'm not alone. My son is non-functioning and self-destructive when he's active. Very painful to watch. I am relieved to finally be in a place to accept that I am powerless.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1067
Date:

Just sending you Hugs and tons of support. My son is not my qualifier...I counsel him frequently about his possibility of getting hooked by the devil of addiction. I shudder to think that this could happen to him (like his father), so I can certainly empathize with your thoughts and emotions on this! To truly embrace that you cannot fix this for them is very, very hard as a parent... I may be biased, but I think it is especially hard for a mother (no "dis" intended Dads!).

Wishing you peace, today!

__________________

Music makes my soul soar!

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself." St. Augustine

~~If nothing ever changed, there would be no BUTTERFLIES~~ anonymous

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