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I'm having a few things going on right now that I could use some experience, strength and hope regarding. This time it is with my ex A and his girlfriend, also an A.
My ex and I have been apart for 11 years. I am quite happy about the fact. I have no desire to ever reunite with him and have no feelings of "tenderness" towards him. No hatred either. He just is. Just another person I know, but also the father of my kids.
About a month ago, I asked if he would come out to where I live and stay with the kids so I could attend and AA/Alanon conference in Canandaigua, NY. He lives fairly near there, and it wouldn't have been too difficult for me to take the kids there on my way, but the woman he lives with is an active A and engaged in criminal activity, which she has done right in front of my kids. So I really don't want the kids around here.
He was fine with staying out here with the kids. But not even 5 minutes after I got off the phone with him, his girlfriend called me back, saying, "Like it or not, D. and I are a couple and wherever he goes, I go!" (I think she thought I was jealous, but nothing could be further from the truth! I'd like him to find someone decent!) So I responded that "Like it or not, this is my house and I have the right to not have criminals in it!" I don't think she liked my response. She threatened that they were going to take me to court for visitation on "their" terms. To which I answered, "That's fine. If the court requires me to put my kids in a dangerous situation, sobeit. But as long as it's my decision, I'm going to decide what's best for my kids."
That was the end of it for then. Well, I just found out that for that weekend, the ex A has been planning on coming after I leave for my conference (my kids are old enough to be on their own for a few hours) and taking them back with him to that sick environment. Well, I'm at the point of "whatever". He's going to do what he's going to do. My kids know what's right and wrong. But every once in a while, I get this little panic going that his plan is to keep them so he can get welfare and then hit me up for child support (which unfortunately he could not come up with on his own - this is the girlfriend that scares me - she's devious, manipulative, criminal and self-centered). I doubt that will happen, but there's always a chance.
So...has anyone else had any experience in this area? How do I know when to let it go and when to fight?
If there is one thing I have learned since I had my daughter it is to trust my gut. I would never allow him the opportunity to steal your children for financial gain. I am assuming that you have no court order for custody or visitation...this is in my opinon a very delicate situation. Can you find someone else to stay with the kids?
Well what someone says they are going to do is not necessarily what they will do. It sounds as if the girlfriend has plenty to keep her busy doesn't it? Why would she want to bring children in to cramp her style. I also assume that your children are not really interested in being involved in this proposed caper! What a difficult issue for you because of course the girlfriend has effectively sabataged it and now wants to create drama. Of course you can enter into the drama or you can make your own plans.
A friend of mine has said that addicts invite us into their chaos and it is up to us to say no. It sounds like you were trying to make something workable and it didn't happen. If you husband has not been involved in taking care of the children on a daily basis for a long time its unlikely he will suddenly want to now.
When I am hurt and betrayed I often indulge myself in all sorts of plans that inevitably involve betrayal, drama and upheaval. When I am centered I do not want to be in such drama. When I am reactive I do. I do not think you have to be reactive but positive about what you need to do. Sometimes we can't do what we want to do because the resources aren't there. In my more mature moments I can accept that when I a reeling in reactivity I can't.
It sounds to me like you try and keep your kids in a stable environment.
With your ex having an active A in his life that is probably not so in his home. I would seek someone else to watch my children while I am away. He has a right to whatever kid of life he chooses, but you have a right to decide what goes on in your own home. I would think you also have a right to decide what kind of behavior you want your children subjected to.
After 11 years I can't see whay the courts would move your kids from a healthy environment to an environment that they would need welfare, and they would be around active alcoholism.
maybe you are just letting anxiety get the best of you. Why look for problems that don't exist at this time?
I would not let my guard down though. If you have any feelings that he could try and take them, I would make sure they stayed with someone I can trust, and not allow that to happen.
