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I accidentally posted in the business forum a while ago. I'm new to this. My husband is (was) a recovering alcoholic. When I met him he went to just about every meeting nearby. Work and other responsibilities reduced the times he attended. But if he ever started getting in a "mood", I would very nicely let him know and he'd go to a meeting and then he'd have such a better outlook. It kept him positive. After a few years, he decided he didn't need the meetings. And he's done very well...and when he'd get in that mood, I'd give him a few days and say, okay, enough. And he'd snap out of it. We have been together for 11 years, married for almost 8 years.
Christmas of 2015, we had an older couple over for dinner, we were living away from our hometown. My husband bought them a bottle of wine, which wasn't an unusual thing to do for someone. But this time he asked if he could have a glass, he felt like he was fine, that he didn't want to pick up drinking or anything like that. I should have said no way. He had that glass of wine and sent the rest of the bottle home with our friends. He said he was fine and would like to be able to just have a glass of wine on special occasions. Next thing I know, he was buying a bottle of wine, and having a glass every night...then 2 glasses every night. One summer day, after work he decided a cold beer would taste good. Long story short, he drinks two to three beers every night. I once found a bottle of Brandy in the garage trash...empty of course. I'm not sure if anyone else experiences this , but he can come home in a great mood, but literally after that first beer his attitude is different. He's so negative and moody. Is this normal for this situation? I myself hate even seeing that bottle every night, and he knew that, because of past abusive relationships. He isn't abusive. Just grumpy and definitely not nearly as affectionate as he once was.
Any thoughts?
I'm sorry. I know how disappointing and stressful this is. Looking back on my experience, I think there is a connection between drinking and those negative moods... and it is so hard for the alcoholic to stop drinking and stay stopped.
Is there an Al-Anon meeting near you? That is what helped me.
-- Edited by Freetime on Monday 5th of March 2018 07:49:17 PM
Hello Cynthia Alcoholism is indeed a confusing, powerful disease over which we are powerless. Alanon meetings did help me to develop positive coping tools, in order to respond to the disease in a different, compassionate manner while still taking care of myself. Please do search out these meetings and keep coming back
Aloha CAS and welcome to the board. Unhappy with you that the disease has reared its ugly head again in your and his life. Alcoholism can never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence which he has negated already by going back. Alcohol is a liquid depressant so the change in mood from positive to negative is explained. The best definition for me for alcoholism came from the "American Medical Association" manual and when I learned it, it was as if they were painting a portrait of the life I was living with my alcoholic/addict and my families of origin.
"Alcoholism can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence. It affects everyone it comes into contact with and we become as affected as the alcoholic without the anesthesia of alcohol to block our reality. Therefore we go thru it wide awake...."
Those words are only part of the definition of alcoholism we use to read before every face to face meeting of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Along with Al-Anon membership I went to college on the diseases of alcoholism and drug addiction (my wife was alcoholic/addict at that time) and from that I went on to be a family therapist with families touched by our diseases.
Alcoholism affects the mind, body, emotions and spirit and face to face Al-Anon and AA meetings will arrest the disease if you are willing to have that happen.
You're here and I am glad you have found MIP. Please stick around with an open mind and the willingness to find sanity with us. This works went we work it and often the results are like miracles. In Support. ((((hugs))))
Hi Cynthia, I wanted to add a few things, as your post really resonated with me.
"I should have said no way." -- I felt that way too, but I learned that there was nothing I could have done to control another person who wants to drink... if it was not on this occasion, there would be another one.
"He would like to be able to just have a glass of wine on special occasions" -- I heard that exact same thing -- after doctors had explicitly told him drinking was bad for his medical conditions, and after his driver license was suspended due to alcohol-related seizures.
Being angry at seeing bottles, or anything related to alcohol, and feeling jumpy because of a past abusive relationship -- that was me. But the good news is I have done the work and those things don't currently bother me.
Feeling very uneasy about odd behavior -- That was me, especially before I understood that at least some of this was related to drinking, which he could not control on his own. I kept questioning myself, "Did he change, or did I just not notice this before?" I later learned that he had changed, that alcoholism was part of the reason, and it was not a personal reflection on me.
In Al-Anon we learn the three C's -- I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it ... but we also learn more C's: That we can take Care of ourselves, and we can Change ourselves. That's where we find hope.
I too would suggest seeking out and attending some Al-Anon meetings. The only requirement to attend is that one is affected by the drinking of a friend or family member. As pointed out above, Alcoholism is a progressive disease - powerful and cunning. What we learn in recovery is we are powerless over others yet we can find our way and have hope and help when we seek support from others who truly understand.
It took me a long while to own my powerlessness, my reactions and my part in this disease. What I know now is there is nothing I could have said, done or suggested that would have influenced this disease. Keep coming back - you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
