I am so very sorry you are being put in the uncomfortable position of being between a rock and a hard place.  It seems to be "normal" a behavior to push people away with their unacceptable behavior and then complain about it.  They simply don't have a grasp of reality.  And, I'm sure this is one of the reasons we are advised to keep the focus on us and not to try to find answers for the inexplicable.

Is it possible to have one-on-one time with the children without their mother?  Is it possible to have a loving chat with your children to re-affirm your love for them while explaining as much of the situation as you feel they can accept?

Know that you have my prayers and that I understand your frustrations.

 

 

I can appreciate how frustrating it must be for you.
I can so relate to when you said "She is very put out that I am not fighting with her all the time.... She refuses to .....Our son has done some stuff with her, which is fine with me as long as she is safe ....Now she has gotten on the kick that the kids are upset because ..." (fill in the blank)
I have lived this too, only I'm the female and it is the dad who is playing the games.
I said 'fill in the blank' because over the course of several years his desire to maintain some level of control over me has come down to his using the kids largely as the bait to get me upset, and so the above scenario is the same, the details of filling in the blank is all that changes.

For me, learning detachment was key -- and as I got better at detaching, he got better at finding ways to use the kids as bait. So, I need to keep thanking him in my prayers for being the prod to help me thoroughly address every corner my disease.

It does get tiring dealing with someone who has a priority of trying to bait me into a fight. And to this day it breaks my heart to watch how the kids are used by him. What I do is alot of what MFran said -- while my kids lives have to be very confused, they are very clear that I love them unconditionally and that I want them to have a good relationship with both of their parents -- and that we do things together, me and them, even now that they are teens. I figure I must be doing something right because I have a teenage boy who tells me every week he loves me. Sometimes he gets angry and says other stuff too, but at some point every week he actually on his own verbalizes that he loves me.

I figure the best thing I can do for my kids is become the best person I can be through this program.

Good luck to you ... and please know you are not alone.