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I am so angry. I wanted to post earlier but couldn't calm down enough to type. The other woman called me this morning and said she had been thinking all night and couldn't live with herself for lying to me yesterday. She said that they met each other two months ago, not one and that they have met several times and slept together. She said he has told her he loves her and can't wait to be with me. He told her a whole string of lies about us divorcing...I went ballistic. I screamed and hollered, jumped out of the car while he was driving...the list goes on and on. Of course, he denied it. He will deny it with his dying breath. She said she lied because he asked her to. He called her from outside yesterday while I was in the house and told her what to say so their stories would match. She had pictures she sent to my phone and one was quite graphic. I am staying for today, my mind is reeling. I feel nauseated. I am angry he slept with her, but angrier that he told her he loves her and p****d that he lies about it. Having trouble focusing on me when I feel inadequate
You are not inadequate! Say it to yourself over and over again until you believe it. This is not about you, he is the one who did this and he is the one who lied. Please do not blame yourself and do not let him blame you.
Don't look at those pictures, don't torchure yourself, you have been through enough.
I wish I could say more, but please don't think you are less becasue of something he did. You are important, you are not inadequate.
This is so not about you. This is about him and his lack of self worth. I am so sorry! Please be good to yourself! I know how upsetting it is. I know how much it hurts. Take care of you first. To hell with him! Don't give him anymore of your emotions. He does not deserve them.
You know... I can completely relate to how you feel right now. Went through this a few years ago with my A. I am very sorry for your pain.
Hope you are ok after that "Bo/Luke Duke" jumping out of the car thing... (sorry had to throw that in...)
I know it doesn't help to say "he's an A and that's what they do is lie about everything..." but after you work that waranted anger out a bit, that's what it boils down to. He lied, and conned someone else into lying to. Reality is... this girl may not have had pure intentions when she told you her version of the truth.
The only thing that helped me was seperation and clearing my own head so I could make good decisions about where I wanted to go next.
If it makes you feel any better he's probably lying to her too. Who really knows what he believes or feels right now? Bet he doesn't even know...
Be angry... stomp around ... yell at the fridge, then settle in and get back to taking care of you, cause you deserve it. It helped me.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I'm so sorry. That's the ultimate betrayal. I'm glad the woman told the truth though. Now you don't have to wonder and guess. Try to at least take comfort that you are no longer being played. You can now make decisions based on what you know to be true and what will be best for you. Do your best to work your program, hon.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am hurting and am so angry. I don't want to hurt and don't want to be angry, but I truly don't know how to let go of it. I don't know how to stop my thoughts and feelings. My mind keeps playing tapes over and over again. What about this woman? And that one? What really happened those nights he was late or said he was working out of town. How many other woman have their been? If I were enough of a woman, and his needs were being met he wouldn't have turned outside of the marriage. I know he thinks I am inadequate because those were my thoughts when I turned outside of the marriage. Maybe I am not what he wants. Yet, he refuses to leave. He's angry that I'm angry. He's hurt that I don't believe him. He keeps insisting he's done nothing wrong. How do I stop the hurt? How do I take care of me when I don't know what I want, what I think, what I feel (other than hurt) and don't feel like taking care of myself. I have never thought more about dying than I have today. I begged God to let me end my life. I cussed him, turned my back on him and called him a liar. He promised to never give me more than I can handle and he has. Tonight we watched Madea's Class Reunion and it is about Forgiveness, Let it begin with me. It has only made me think more. I can forgive him and her because I have been in their shoes. I can't forgive myself and can't understand what I have done to God for him to turn his back on me and let me go through so much hurt in my lifetime. What kind of God lets an eight year old girl get raped over and over again and then when she tells her mother her mother chooses the man and puts her up for adoption. Why do I keep surrounding myself with people who don't appreciate me and respect me? I guess because I don't appreciate and respect myself and I don't know how to change that. My birthday is next Friday and I truly don't believe I can handle another year. I am afraid, scared, ashamed, hurt, angry, frustrated, confused, and I feel hopeless and helpless. Thanks for listening.
- Your HP is yours and does not leave you. Situations come up, he helps us deal with it if we let him.
- His responses to your new found knowledge are the same ones he would have if you caught him drinking/drugging and called him on it. Excusses and blame for everyone and everything around him... but not him.
You are like everyone else here, you hurt so much that you reach out for help. You work a program to improve your quality of life. This is a safe place to get that kind of help. Inadequate people just don't do that... they sit and wait for everyone else to fix it for them.
I wish I could do more... ((((((((Powerless)))))))))
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Powerless - please don't give up! I'm going through this kind of thing too and it's making me much stronger. Be glad that something of this magnitude is on the table. You HP put it there for you to see, for some reason unbeknownst to you right now, but keep the faith.
I can see that what happens more than ever, by reading these posts of people who continue to stay with their 'A' despite being dragged down with them half the time, is that they make us feel as though we are SO needed, that we can put up with just about anything, just because it feels so good to have someone need us so much.
Then - when we find they have turned to someone else for something, our first thought is that we weren't fulfilling that need. In a normal relationship - that could be so - but not in these kind of relationships. You've probably given 1000% but that is still not enough, so please don't blame yourself. I believe that the 'A' spends a lot of time feeling guilty for dragging us down with them, even though they don't stop doing it. Therefore, to find someone who doesn't see them in the light that we do, gives them some relief from this guilt. A chance to be with someone they aren't hurting, for once.
I believe he is not trying to cause you more pain, but to find a way to lessen his own. I don't know your whole story, but I can imagine that you've thought that if this happens it will be the end. I see a lot of people here who say that if this happens, it's a deal breaker. Of course it should be, because you feel as though if you've put up with this crap for that long, the LEAST you deserve is loyalty.
It's also like you said to me about my situation - about the book you were reading on 'Getting Them Sober' - what do we feel about ourselves when the drunk dumps us! Like the biggest loser in the world. Yes. But the 'drunk' isn't dumping you here. He needs you as much as ever, now that you've found this out, and you will have to decide whether or not this really will be the last straw. This wasn't the worst thing that mine did to me though. Threatening to shoot my dog was way up there at the top.
The fact that you have been lied to and deceived probably hurts more than the actual act. We know they are chronic liars, and if someone comes along that seems a tempting escape, they'll take it, regardless of your feelings. Their disease makes it all about them - it's not about you.
Please stay strong and think clearly about how you want to deal with this. Please detach from this as much as you can! You do want to live and you want to have a happy life. Perhaps HP put this there to help you find that sooner. Perhaps this is your last straw, and that it will lead you to greener pastures, by deciding NO MORE and moving on!
It's me again. I just read your post on your having an affair yourself, a while back. I think you are feeling terrible guilt, and you feel that this is payback for what you have done already. If that is how you're feeling, consider that perhaps now you have the opportunity to shed your own guilt and it will be easier for you to relax about it. I can understand more that WE would be more likely to seek out refuge, when we are dealing with an 'a' day in and day out. I've already said, above, why I believe they do it.
Of course I can see that it means that you feel you can't show your anger as much as you need to, because you will remember that you had done it once too, so it is probably good for you to get it out here.
However you decide to deal with this situation, please hang in there and don't beat yourself up about what you once did. Perhaps the HP gave this to you so the sides would be even, and you could release your own guilt.
I hope each day will help the pain fade a little ...
If I were enough of a woman, and his needs were being met he wouldn't have turned outside of the marriage.
That is not the truth, it is what he wants you to believe, to try and excuse his actions and to make it your fault. It isn't your fault, it is not that you are not enough of a woman, it is about his lack of confidence, and his self esteem. Don't let him make you believe you are at fault.
Okay you turned outside the marriage, does that mean it is okay for him to do it? Two wrongs don't make it right. Don't blame yourself, be angry, but at him, not you. Don't take blame that is not yours to own.
What kind of God lets an eight year old girl get raped over and over again and then when she tells her mother her mother chooses the man and puts her up for adoption.
God didn't do that, your mother did. You where a child, she let you down, not God, again, not your fault.
I guess because I don't appreciate and respect myself and I don't know how to change that.
You change it one day at a time. It takes time. it took time for you to be beaten down like this and it will take time to learn to love yourself. Keep telling yourself that you do count, that you are important, that you do deserve to be loved.
You came here, you have been honest and told your story, you have reached out. Keep doing it, keep taking care of and looking out for you. You are not inadequate, you are important, you deserve to be treated well.
(((((((((((Powerless))))))))))))) I wish I could really hug you. You deserve to be hugged, you are important.
Powerless, Thank you for your post. Of course you feel inadequate and outraged and depressed and all of those things. Whatever you are feeling now is what you need to be feeling. You have received a huge blow, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you have a sponsor who will sit down and talk to you, so that you can get all of the feelings out. This is part of the process of letting go. When you can talk about it in the context of the steps, your thinking will become clearer. I know this from experience. For right now, please do all you can to take care of yourself. Blessings and prayers, mebjk
Gosh what a dramarama. I have had my own issues with the A's friends which felt to me like a betrayal on many levels. I know that Debilyn has written about this. Betryals can be on many many levels. My A has put his friends way way ahead of me and my issues for years. In fact there is much bitterness and anger between us because of this. I am totally fed up with his acting out on many many levels.
Sometimes we have to take a time out. I think because we are always on overload with the A we forget that. Clearly the screaming, shouting, jumping out of the car stuff cannot continue so you have to take a break and work out what you are feeling and work on healing yourself. That does not necessarily mean leaving him. It means taking care of you. I really went overboard on the Hungry Angry Lonely Tired stuff for years. Now I watch that barometer and take care of me.
I do not allow the A to push my buttons and boundaries. Sometimes that means I do not engage him.
I have also been on the A to understand certain things. Some of the stuff he has done to me is betrayal, abusive and nasty. He takes no responsibility for that. He expects me always to put him first. That is gone now. I think I may not be able to repair some of the damage. The A can always justify his acting out. He will ask for closeness then sabatage it so I gave up on the closeness. Why bother when it is attacked. I tell him very very little about my inner life anymore or even what I am doing. I have given up in that respect.
After a crisis we do not automatically get people to see where we are coming from. There are some issues in my family of origin where some things will not be acknowledged. The issue is that you are acnowledging them. The other issue is that you are getting acknowledgment here. Obviously in a marriage there has to be a certain level of trust. Unfortunately when we are married or live with an A that is over ridden by their substance abuse. I think its tremendously difficult to accept that and accept that life with an A is always difficult. I think it is difficult when they are sober as well.
I hope you will take care of yourself and give yourself some respite and space to heal and take stock and not act out anymore. Your A is volatile and acting out on many many levels with all this collusion, lying and cover ups. I think it may take a while to get to the ramifications of wha he has done and how you can respond in ways that are healthy for you.
(((((powerless))))))wish I could give you a big hug in person! I don't blame you for being mad at your husband, I'm pretty mad at him, myself for hurting you like that.
I would delete the pictures from the phone.
As someone else pointed out, two wrongs don't make a right.
You have so much to deal with right now. Take your time, take care of yourself. Don't react to his crap anymore, and don't talk to that woman anymore. I have been in your shoes before, and I don't think there's much that hurts worse.
Do anything you can to forget about it. I don't mean just forgive him....I mean just try to forget about it so you don't allow it to take over YOUR life. I know the feeling, that what does God think I'm made out of, titanium????? Enough, already! But HP is in control, and has loving arms around you even now.
I also know how you feel about wanting to hurt yourself...he isn't worth it. Your children need you around. You need to be there for them, and for your daughter who is living away from home right now. Take care of yourself, please. We love you and need you.
Keep coming back, Powerless,you are in the right place. We will listen to you anytime you need.
