The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello everyone I had not heard anything about Alanon until today. You see my husband of 20 years is an alcoholic and has been since before we were married. He was not as bad (well really not bad at all) with his drinking as it is now. The incidents that occured from him last night validated my fears about the situation which led me to a lot of research today. This research and desperate seeking led me here. It is so nice to know there are people who understand my struggle and the pain of dealing with an alcoholic. While I know I loved my husband at one time, I can honestly say his belittling, name calling, and just outright hatefulness has really made me not like him at all. I do care about him and I dont want him to have to go through what he is, however I feel his problem is just too big for me anymore. I have a 23 and a 24 year old from a previous marriage and a 14 year old by my current husband. My oldest child tries to avoid him at all cost because of the constant belittling comments when he is drunk (which is usually daily). My other grown child just chooses to walk away and my 14 year old really hates him. It is a mess, but I am trying to move forward and forge a plan that will help us. I just feel hopeless, helpless, worthless, and stuck. Sorry to vent so much, that is the first time I have been so honest about the situation and I may have gotten carried away. I look forward to chatting with everyone.
Welcome to MIP Kimberly - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Sorry for the disease and how it's affecting your life - and you are right. You are not alone! The disease is progressive, and is also considered a family disease - meaning almost all who live with or care about an Alcoholic can be affected. Al-Anon is for family and friends, and most communities have local F2F (face to face) meetings. I do encourage you to seek out a few and attend. That's where I found a tribe of folks who understood and listened without judging or giving advice. I found a safe place there!
Keep coming back here too - it's a wicked disease and most of us do find that while we can't fix it or cure it, we can heal from it and move forward, one day at a time, with support and help from recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Kimberly glad that you found us and would like to reassure you that you are not alone. Please do search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. Many communities also hold alateen meetings where your children can attend for support. The hotline number is in the white pages Keep coming back
Also Welcome Kimberly-I can relate to your experience and situation. Alanon has taught me a new way to cope with my alcoholic spouse, but I also felt hopeless and helpless as you described, along with depressed, anger, and obsession. I came to alanon to change my spouse and learned that I could only change me. So I have been working on me for 4 and 1/2 years and must say it's one of the best decisions I've made in my life. So I do encourage you to find live meetings, and this board is also inspiring and helpful. Keep coming back as they say, Lyne
Hi Kimberly. I'm glad you found MIP. You're not alone and I hope you'll find a meeting close to you and keep coming back! It's not easy living with addiction. It effects all of us and our children. Maybe they'll go to some meetings with you and your younger one to Alateen. Don't be discouraged if change doesn't happen the first meeting or so. It didn't for me when I attended my first one many years ago. I did keep going back and it started falling together. The support groups help us more than words can say. I have recently returned to Alanon and am so very grateful I did. The disease is now creeping into my kids life. This program is giving me the tools to know how to live with peace in my life regardless of what is going on in the A's in my life.........it truly does work if you work it.
Hugs!
Welcome Dynamite...in hearing about the alanon program, and after attending face-to-face alanon meetings, you will find you are in the right place. Alcoholism is an insidious, cunning, baffling, enigmatic, confusing, and progressive disease. And the people inside those alanon meeting rooms understand how you are feeling, what you are going through, and they understand the pain, the fear, the confusion, and everything else. Many have gone through exactly what you are going through. While that in and of itself is not a solution, it can offer comfort. Knowing that people have gone through the same thing, and "made it through" offers a great deal of hope.
I too loved my wife, deeply, unconditionally, with all that I am, at one time. What type of "disease" could change that, impact that, even touch that in the slightest of ways. Well, "addiction" can do that. And here we are. Find face to face meetings. Go to as many as you can. Find a sponsor. Start reading the alanon conference approved literature, the pamphlets, the brochures, and the daily readers -- One Day At A Time and Courage To Change (and Hope For Today, which has an orientation toward adult-children of alcoholics). All of the tools, resources, and help are there for you. All of those things, and the people you will find at face to face meetings can help you.
Keep coming back.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Bo what a great response and so reminding me of how I came to understand our disease and how to live with it. Of course living with it meant many things many times as I came to understand how ragged and confusing it was. I listened intently to the old timers many who use to describe their relationship as with "their alcoholic" in order to kept their perceptions right. When their spouses/partners were not under the influence and acting in unacceptable manners the titles returned ...wife and husbands and sons and daughters. Those instances were great for me to know that the child of God my alcoholic/addict spouse still deserved the respect I always wanted to treat her with. She had the same problem with me, her husband who was as affected by the disease at times as she was.
How insane this disease is and was that I would not treat her in the way I wanted to because of our mind and mood altering chemical addiction. When I allowed the old timers to teach and show me how and what they had come to understand I started to change and as you mentioned used the literature and meetings and sponsorship to help assure me to stay on the right side of the relationship. There was and is so much to learn and do. Listening to the voices in the program and of my sponsor and then in quiet meditative and prayerful times ...my Higher Power became the tools to change the picture I was living in and redefining it so I could re-practice love as HP used it with me.
Mahalo for your share ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 19th of February 2018 06:21:50 PM
We understand you, and will support you. Although at first some support may not be what you want to hear, if you stick with it, you will find that all the veterans are "correct" with what they share with you... b/c it comes from their shared Experience, Strength, and Hope (ESH). Take away what you want, and leave the rest. Read as much as you can about the disease. Talk openly and honestly to your kids about it (age appropriate). It is obvious from your post that you see how this disease is affecting them...offer your youngest counseling or Al-Ateen.
Most importantly, keep coming back... even if you aren't posting, the reading of other's posts helps tremendously!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Welcome Dynamite. Looks like you're getting plenty of good info here. I'll stress the Al-Ateen angle. I have three kids in that group. It has been helpful to them in many ways. I would say it has been nothing short of miraculous. Face to face meetings are the best.
Thank you Jerry. It always touches me when the newcomer comes here and is struggling. It reminds me. It brings me right back. All of us remember...We were once that newcomer. So we give back. In a non-conference approved forum such as this, it is sometimes not easy. Other than the "go to face to face meetings" and "find a sponsor" -- like you said -- we try to understand the disease and how to live with it...and how to get better...and with the newcomers it is always helpful to share our experiences, our perspective, our strengths, successes, failures, and our hope.
Thanks again.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thanks for your honesty, Dynamite. I've been in Alanon a little while now, but I remember what it was like at first. Your post brought me back to where I was then. I was listening to all of you, but all I could hear was me. So, welcome and keep coming back. As has been said, try to find some face to face meetings in your city. Texting is nice, but nothing beats a real hug. :)
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
