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Post Info TOPIC: The loneliness in a marriage with an A


Newbie

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Posts: 2
Date:
The loneliness in a marriage with an A


I do not know why I stay. He is at AA meetings, I spend most evenings alone. I have a job, friends, church group, etc but the emptiness from being married to a man who is incapable of really ever loving me is beginning to take its toll. Why do I stay in this marriage? He can never meet my needs the way a normal healthy man could. What are your thoughts on this. For those who stayed or are intending to stay, why?



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 16474
Date:

Welcome Laura, I found that by attending alanon face to face meetings, I developed positive tools that helped me to remain in my marriage while maintaining  a loving supportive relationship all around  

Please search out the meetings and foloow the suggestions of not  making any major changes for the first 6 months in program.  You are not alone



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

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Posts: 394
Date:

Hi Laura. Welcome to MIP. Alcoholism effects us whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. I have learned this the hard way. I stopped using my support many years ago. I was married to an alcoholic and gambler for 23 years. There really is a way to find peace and contentment regardless of whether they are active in the addiction or not. He never stopped. We aren't together now, I am happily remarried but in it all I still remember how powerful the tools of the 12 steps and the fellowship with others in the same boat really are. I found my way back into alanon recently due to an alcoholic friend...and, by working the steps, I have peace in my life again today. Those feelings of alone do go away. I'm glad you're here and hope you keep coming back.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 747
Date:

Hi Laura, welcome

I'm struggling currently with too much together time with my AW. I work an hour away fro m home. I go to meetings twice a week, and recently added going to a coffee shop after one of the meetings, getting groceries after the other, and puppy walks alone on nice days. AW is not liking that I am spending so much time away from her, she doesn't go to meetings, and doesn't often leave the house at the moment. I'm getting every manipulative trick in the book tossed my way right now to get me to stay home and sitting on the couch with her. What I really want is a nice balance of togetherness and apartness, and an acceptance of my need to spend time around other people and have other meaningful relationships.

My life feels really lonely right now, too. When I am with AW, she is messaging other people on her phone, playing video games, or doing both while watching tv. I miss any kind of connection. I miss being able to have real conversations with people, and get together with friends without a lengthy, emotional conversation about why I would want to do that. I know I need to do something about this, but I don't know yet what exactly I need to or want to do. My current strategy is staying involved in my meetings and defending the little time to myself that I do have. I am sure that I will know when I am ready to take the next step, whatever that might be.

(((hugs))) to you. You aren't alone



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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 961
Date:

Welcome Laura-I know your situation well. What happened to me after 26 years of not being important to my A, is that I got used to being happy without her, thanks to program. I had work, friends, family, hobbies, and two adorable dogs, and since the good in the marriage was acceptable to me, I have stayed. It's not the marriage I thought I had, or wanted, but it is quite acceptable now that she is sober since April. I look to myself to be serene and content. And the ironic thing is that now that she is sober, she wants time with me. It's not a priority anymore for me. As others said, take your time, keep coming to alanon, and you will eventually make the right decisions for yourself, Lyne

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Lyne



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2282
Date:

Hi Laura,

Welcome to the board. I hope you'll keep coming back to share with us. My own experience has been that working the Alanon program was helpful for learning more about my own availability in my marriage to alcoholic/addict. I wish I had been longer in Alanon when my marriage came to an end. Had I had more understanding of Alanon and what was and was not within my control, I might have made some different choices. I might have learned healthier ways of communicating my feelings rather than trying to force my will on my now exah. I'm grateful to have the Alanon program today. I understand your loneliness because I have experienced it too. My ex entered recovery and didn't want it. Recovery offers hope. We make progress one day at a time. Communication is an Alanon topic. I realized after the ending of my marriage that on many levels I, myself was emotionally unavailable. For all the complaining I had done about him, when met with freedom, I found myself very uncomfortable in some situations with "showing up" emotionally. This is because I'd been living a rather limited existence (my marriage) by my own choice of course and for a very long time. I'm grateful that even if I didn't fully get Alanon at first I kept showing up due to loneliness. I didn't know what I didn't know about myself until I was willing to open my mind to listen for message the god of my understanding was communicating through the shares of others in the rooms of Alanon. I wasn't alone and there was hope if I kept coming back and had the willingness to work the program. Alanon doesn't promote restoring marriages nor dissolving them. I found it opened a whole new world of choices for myself. Althrough begrudgingly, I became willing to be willing to work the Alanon program. I made progress. If I'd know then what I know now, I might have had less resentment toward my husband. I might have put the slogan Let it begin with me into action with patience and humility. If I was where I am today, I may have simply said, I want to know you more. Is there something we can we do together? I hope you find answers that work for you. My experience today is that being involved with someone who is in recovery and to be recovering myself in Alanon is really helpful for keeping things honest and communication open and respectful. Wishing you the best. ((hugs)) TT

 



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Faith unsticks fear.



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3177
Date:

Hugs and welcome,

Struggling to find footing in something new and different, and a lot of times people find living with sobriety hard because it's new and different.

I hope you will keep coming back, and you will get to a face to face meeting because it helps to know you are not alone. A story a long timer shared in a meeting is that when her qualifier got better she felt crazier than ever because he had support and she did not. She found that in alanon and found a way to find footing in her marriage both are very active in program and enjoy things apart as well as together. It is so important to break your isolation because that's where my stinking thinking survived.

I think I would have made different choices had I had more alanon however I believe I would have still left. I wanted something more from my partner relationship and I wanted an active partner in that relationship my XAH was not available to me. There was no recovery happening.

It took me a while to come to that, I do believe my divorce would have been less combative had I had more program behind me and time to make that decision unfortunately things got hung up and it was a very ugly divorce.

The part about alanon that makes it such a gentle program is you don't have to make a decision until you are ready and if you aren't ready .. you aren't ready. That's totally ok because it is better to be sure than not.

Big hugs I hope you will keep coming back and find people in your area who understand what you are going through.

S :)


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"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1158
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Just adding to what others have said to say that "in Al Anon, there are no musts".....the timing is all about what is right for you. Here's what I will tell you that I learned in my own experiences: your future can look very different a year from now or 2 years from now, whether you stay with your partner or not. If someone had told me today that I would be with a man who put a blanket over me when I was resting on the couch, who offered to make me dinner nearly every night, who would give me his car when my battery was dead, who still (after 3 years of dating) hugs me daily and holds my hand while sitting on the couch......I would never have believed them. But, it also took me 3 years of program, 3 years of sitting on the fence, 3 years of my XAH getting sober, drinking again, lying, and all kinds of crazy stuff before I decided to step out in faith and leave my marriage. Every story is different and no one else gets to walk in your shoes.

My point is that you get to write your own story. You can choose your own recovery and see where that leads you. Please keep coming back and find a meeting near you because the tools you receive in the rooms of Al Anon will benefit you whether you choose to stay or go.

__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


Newbie

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Posts: 3
Date:

I can sure identify with this, my AH has just started a mandatory in patient rehab that has weekly family encounter.  I love my AH, but at some point in the last few years fell out of being "in love" with him. We live together, but have separate rooms.

He seems to think that since he has been in rehab one week, that I should want him back once he comes home.

i don't want to harm his recovery, but I don't know if I can ever come back to a place where I feel good about being with him.

blankstare



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 9039
Date:

Welcome to MIP JBerd - glad you found us and glad you joined right in. I'm sure sorry you are affected by the disease...you are not alone! Please keep coming back and know that there is hope and help in recovery.



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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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This for me is a true Al-Anon post.  I love the honesty and compassion which were so important to me when I first got here though I didn't know why.  Old timers talked about knowing themselves and coming to learn  "their part in the disease" in their relationships and marriages and I needed to know that question myself, "What is my part in all of this"??  I let go of my first addict wife and got into another addicted relationship and then let go of that one and got into another Alcoholic/addict marriage...There was sooo much I had to learn about myself about the stuff I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know.  Thank God for Al-Anon and the trust and compassion of the fellowship which hung with me until I started to get my vision cleared up so that I could do life differently than I had been.  I didn't even know what alcoholism was or did even while it was killing me.  Loneliness? I know now to do that and then not like I use to because there is a power greater than myself and so many friends and fellows in the program I can sit with and listen to.  There is MIP like now that I can sit and listen and read and participate with.    Keep coming back...loneliness I have come to understand is a choice.

(((((hugs))))) wink 



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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 102
Date:

Hi Laura,
Hugs. I understand what you are saying - I have thought similar things all though my lonliness is due to my husband being in rehab, not his AA attendance. I often wonder whether I will even have a normal relationship. It's really hard and I have a lot of fear about it, especially as I know the answer is probably no. I found one piece of ESH very helpful. Someone told me they choose to stay in their relationship one day at a time and know that at some stage in the future they might make a different decision. I found that helpful.

All the best and a big hug



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Senior Member

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Posts: 322
Date:

Personally I think it's normal to go through periods of loneliness in life. Approximately every decade we go through a lot of changes   I used to be really resentful when people #dropped# me     Now I can see I diudnt fit in with their interests  Right now in my life I don't have any problem with dropping people (albeit very casual friends).  I think those of us in al anon.have a exceptional loyalty.  We feel that we are indebted to the signif8cant other  When I look at my relationships with significant others even friends they were certainly not reciprocal. 

Leaving a long term relationship is a really big undertaking. The plan b tool is a very good one because you don't have to take any action.  You just look at your option of what would you need if you left  There is no pressure to take action. 

 

I remain a very generous kind person.  Am anondidnt change that  What did change is that #I# was in the equation too.  My needs mattered too.  I try to do best for me  When people are dismissive to my needs I take account I.dont just accept it. 

 

I am a lot more aware of my choices these days  Some of them are choices I still don't like.  Nevertheless they are #choices#  .

When I cane to al anon I didn't feel I had a choice  I felt powerless I felt trapped and most of all I felt that I was a total failure 

 



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Maresie


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 322
Date:

Personally I think it's normal to go through periods of loneliness in life. Approximately every decade we go through a lot of changes   I used to be really resentful when people #dropped# me     Now I can see I didnt fit in with their interests  Right now in my life I don't have any problem with dropping people (albeit very casual friends).  I think those of us in al anon.have a exceptional loyalty.  We feel that we are indebted to the significant other  When I look at my relationships with significant others even friends they were certainly not reciprocal. 

Leaving a long term relationship is a really big undertaking. The plan b tool is a very good one because you don't have to take any action.  You just look at your option of what would you need if you left  There is no pressure to take action. 

 

I remain a very generous kind person.  Al anon didnt change that  What did change is that #I# was in the equation too.  My needs mattered too.  I try to do best for me  When people are dismissive to my needs I take account I.dont just accept it. 

 

I am a lot more aware of my choices these days  Some of them are choices I still don't like.  Nevertheless they are #choices#  .

When I cane to al anon I didn't feel I had a choice  I felt powerless I felt trapped and most of all I felt that I was a total failure 

 



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Maresie
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