The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning everyone! I am new here to the chat room. I would like to know your thoughts on something. My husband is an alcoholic and we have had several relapses over our 24 years together. With his drinking comes talking to other women online. I have confronted him several times about this and he has lied to my face until I show him the proof. He quits drinking (his longest has been 5 years) most of the time until he thinks I am ok and over it. This final time it began to involve our daughters. The oldest mainly get messages about her dad and another woman while away and seeing things for herelf on his tablet. I have had enough and told him I am done I want a divorce I cant trust him and relationships are built on trust. He says he has hit bottom (again) he was suicidal and has stopped drinking ( I think) since July. This is what he has done in the past to stop he just doesnt drink. I thought there was hope this time, he went a a psychologist (this was a new step for him) went to a weekly AA meeting, told me how selfless he is trying to be. But then the psychologist appt stopped after the third one, doesnt attend weekly meeting maybe every other week-maybe. He has also written me a journal with several references in my opinion blaming me for his drinking and trying to hold me responsible for his sobriet. I heard a saying emotions move with the storm, go with what you know. My emotions still have me here (and my youngest daughter) but I know him sober isnt going to last. His daily routines havent changed. He said to our mutual friend I made it 5 years maybe this time I will make it 10. Any thoughts would be welcomed.
Aloha Hockeygal and welcome to the board. You will get so much Experience, Strength and Hope here at MIP because from our own experience that is what has worked for us. Members of AA also know that to be true for their own recoveries. We don't give advise for cause. From my experience and the experiences of many of our members (look back at former shares and read, read, read) you are in the middle of how our disease works. Our alcoholics blame us and others most often because they won't and can't accept the reality of their condition and how they participate in it. One of the questions I use to be asked and also asked my alcoholic/addict wife was, "So what is your part in this"? and see if they are willing to be honest.
Finding out as much as I could about alcoholism and drug addict was necessary so that I could accept that my wife was a very sick person and not a very bad woman (bitch is what I use to use)...I even went to college to learn about this disease and found out more than I expected all of it necessary for me.
Going to Al-Anon and listening to the fellowship made it real as the members use to speak of what I was going thru, in their own experiences. I learned we were a close family sharing a disease that predated the life of the Christ by 6000 years which could never be cured only arrested by total abstinence and if not arrested could and often did become fatal both to the drinker and members of the families.
It took me a while to over come my denial and to accept that alcoholism and drug addict is fully cunning, powerful and baffling. I stopped denying and am now using acceptance.
I found face to face meetings and made one of them my home group. I dot and still have most all of the literature that Al-Anon and AA puts out to educate us and keep us aware. I practice the steps and traditions and principles of recovery and have been able to out last this disease beyond other of my family members who have not.
What worked and still works for me is to listen to the ESH of the others, to learn and to practice on a daily basis this gift I have been given.
Keep coming back; this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Welcome to MIP Hockeygirl - glad you found us and joined right in. So very sorry how the disease has affected you and your family. It is progressive and powerful and is typically more than one can handle. This is why, when bottom arrives, most alcoholics reach out to some form of recovery. AA is one and because this is also considered a family disease, Al-Anon exists for family and friends.
You are welcome at Al-Anon no matter where he is in recovery/disease. Denial is huge for all - the drinker and the family - and recovery helps us find our truth and heal/deal from the affects of the disease. It took me going to Al-Anon to be able to detach from the behaviors/choices of my A and live my own life with joy, peace, etc. I was entrenched - my emotions were tied to theirs, my reactions were like for like and some of my own behaviors were 'less than stellar'.
I also suggest face to face meetings - that's where I found a safe place to share as well as ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) from others who were experiencing the same/similar things. You are not alone - there is hope and help in recovery.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome hockeygal, Alanon face to face meetings and the literature, found at the meetings will help. Pleas do keep coming back here as well-- you are not alone.
Welcome! This is a great group and a great place to start healing. Many (((hugs))) to you as you begin your journey. My situation is a bit different than yours as my AH has never before made an attempt to stop (he has attempted - many times - to ācut downā) and there has never been any emotional infidelity. But one thing that is similar is that he often tried to shift the blame for his drinking to me. Once I stopped allowing that, he had no choice but to acknowledge his part in the dynamic we had. Itās an ongoing process with enlightenment happening all the time, both for him and for me. The key for me was to put myself first. I reached a point where I simply couldnāt keep doing that dance with him and once I started sitting it out, he was forced to either dance alone or sit with me on the bench and figure out a plan to do it differently. So far, heās chosen to sit on the bench with me while we each work through it. But heās tried to get me to go back out there with him - blaming me, telling me heād āonly have a coupleā, etc. Iāve stayed firmly planted on the bench though. If he wants to dance this dance, then heās on his own. Weāve done it his way for years and if he wants me as a partner then weāre going to have to learn to dance differently. For me, that doesnāt necessarily involve him going to AA or seeing a counselor. Iām willing to see if he can do it without those resources. But if this were his 2nd, 4th, 5th attempt...then it would absolutely have to include those things since it would be obvious that doing it on his own wasnāt working. Everyoneās line in the sand is different and only you can decide if youāre comfortable with him attempting to do this on his own and whether you can trust him again. You are the only one who can draw the line in the sand and only you have the power to move it. Take some time to figure out where you want it, then draw it, plant your feet firmly and let him decide which side he wants to be on.
Welcome hockeygal! You'll find you are not alone in Alanon. This is a great place where we all share a common problem......someone with alcoholism has and is effecting our lives. It does get better being actively involved in this program. So glad you are here!
Hi Hockeygal, on reading your sharing, and that of the responses, its so true of what they say, I have only been doing this for a week, and think it is such a wonderful way to help people like us who are struggling with this so Powerful Disease. I can't get to any meetings, as there are none around, and because of my health. But these, are my meetings. I have been working this programme since my Eldest Grand Son was born, a long time, I did have meetings to go to at that stage, and looking back, it was my Foundation in Alanon. I have never forgotten those wonderful people who helped me find me, and learn about the Family Disease of Alcoholism.
Now, I have this, and just this week, I have been able to share about this wonderful way of reaching Alanon to 2 of my Family members, one, who grew up with it, and one who I am introducing it to. It's like the others have said, Keep coming Back, listening to others, of how they found recovery, of how they did it. Knowing that you are not alone in the journey. Be gentle with your self. I can remember when I was in My Second Marriage, with an Alcoholic[, I was a bit of a tough head.] thankfully, I had a lot of Alanon under my belt, and be blamed for everything on the planet, I said to him, "if the Cat had kittens, it would be my fault", and also, I knew that I was doing really, really well, and changing in Alanon, But silly me, wanted a response from him, so said to him one time,' How is it that I can get on with everyone else except you," came the reply,'yes, but they don't have to live with you.' I just burst out laughing, and thought to myself, '''You sure walked into that one"
Give yourself a big Hug, because you are doing great, you have taken the biggest step in your life,by reaching out for help, you have already started on the way to Recovery. Stay in there, believe in yourself, and what I use to be told, by the longer Members, that if, I stuck around Alanon long enough, it will get you. I can tell you that is so true, trust us as it does get better.
Sending Much Love, and many Hugs, Prayers.
WendyP.
