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I'm trying to stay focused on myself and my improvement, but it has been hard recently. Right before Christmas I had decided to leave my AH. He was very actively drinking and I did not want to be around it any longer. We were taking care of his mother's horse. I called her to let her know that I was leaving AH and that she may need to come get her horse because at the current state that he was in he was unable to properly care for it.
I had talked to her about his drinking before and she had recognized it was a problem, but I did not go into detail. When I called her to pick up her horse she threw insult after insult at me. She told me he hadn't been drinking for months. That I was the problem in the relationship. That I was trying to take her money and charging her an arm and a leg to care for her horse (as a side note I never saw any of the money for her horse, I assume it went to alcohol, although I continued to pay for feed, etc). She told me she was happy I was leaving him.
She flew down to come and make sure AH was ok and told my father who drove down to help me that AH wasn't an alcoholic. That I needed to go get a job and get out of the house (she's convinced I should have post pardom depression and is constantly hinting at it when I visit). She said I would push AH's buttons and that's why he would react the way he did.
In general she treated me awful and has yet to apologize now that AH has finally admitted he was still drinking. He is in a treatment program and recognizes that the amount of things I have on my plate are just too much right now.
His sister is in town and I can see the same attitude from her although she is not downright disrespectful to me. I am really struggling with being thought of by his family in such a negative way. Looking back I realize that this disrespect has been a consistent pattern I just haven't seen it because they rarely visit. But it still hurts.
I am anticipating a lot of anger towards me when we move by my parents. His mom is convinced that I have wanted to move by them all along and because of my selfish ways I have caused him to drink. I have expressed wanting to move closer to them and my AH has as well. It is mutual and something I had actually been holding off on my end.
I know it is not healthy to think about the what ifs and to get upset about how his family views me. In the end I need to realize that they too have been affected by AH's disease and that they have not yet realized it. I need to continue to focus on myself and realize that what they think about me is not reality and not my concern. I need to understand that they too are confused and have empathy for them and hope that they can find peace for themselves. I am frustrated that I continue to be affected by AHs disease even though he is in a program now. I am frustrated that I am unable to get away from it, but I need to remember that is why I am working my program. Life is not perfect and there is no fix all solution. I cannot control other's thoughts or behaviors, only my own. And I am actively choosing to let go of the resentment I feel towards AH's family and move on.
The disease of alcoholism is so prolific and difficult to handle I think failures are relieved when others come in because they no longer have to deal with the addiction. I remember when i left my first ex he was into drugs ..his father was furious with me going on about how i was suppose to fix the son. He never got over that. I'm glad you are taking care of you .. I really like keeping things simple .. of bless them .. change me. I say that one a lot .. usually while driving. Lol. Glad you ate here and hope you will keep conning back. Hugs s :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'm sorry for your pain. I felt such a peace and relief from all the rejection after working my steps with my sponsor. Still making some amends over time yet in it all this program showed me HOW to let go and begin to heal. My whole family turned against me for a few years when I tried to do an intervention on my AD over 15 years ago. Bad idea and yet looking back I can see how I was trying to fix him and fearful of what the alcohol was doing to him. It hurts but today I can put them in my HP's, Gods hands and have peace. That is certainly not saying anything in my life is peaceful or without problems caused by the A's and family of the A's but Alanon has helped me learn and am still learning how to keep my own sanity in the midst of it all.
(((Gardening))) - I too am sorry for your pain. I too was able to put much of this type of 'judgment' to the side after working the steps and finding my truth. For me, working on me and learning about how the disease affected me gave me pause as far as other people and how they too had been affected. What I had to accept is this disease brings tons of denial and we all 'wake up' at different points, and some - not at all. Nobody is going to see things they way I do, so letting them 'see' for themselves became a great tool for me. The more I stayed on my side of the street, not intervening, controlling, fixing, etc. the more that was revealed for all to grow/live/learn.
Keep doing what you're doing and know that you're not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm so sorry you have to go through all this negativity and disrespect from the A's family... But this is truly not about you, its about them, and about this terrible disease that makes people crazy. (((((Hugs)))))...
I am learning and learning and learning in Alanon that I am entitled to anger and/or hurt feelings, and its natural to experience the whole range of emotions in my life... Some of them I don't want or like, but it doesn't change reality (sadly :D).
When I first started to try and "let go" of when people hurt me somehow, I remember well I imagined for some reason I could bypass anger/pain/hurt and go right to forgiving and letting go... It wasn't so! That was just me stuffing things away to erupt at a later time. Feelings are real, and I also remind myself again and again that they're not facts, however real they are. So I'm learning to live an emotionally healthy life in Alanon, through trial and error! I wish it was easier, but it just isn't.
You are working your program and this from my experience means you are gradually getting better (even when it seems you are not) - that's what I see with myself. So congrats on that!!!
we come together with the same 'common purpose .. having been effected by alcoholism .. the above ? was my experience with my own ex a long time .. blame blame blame .. family disease of blame .. i still have areas inside me to work through for sure .. i learned many unhealthy ways as well .. but when i reread your share i am realizing how could i have 'ever expected him or any of them to ever get 'honest .. be 'open .. willing alone .. so learned on so many deeper layers .. in rereading your story .. (nearly our story ?) i see the learning in action .. his 'teachers all around him .. to pass the buck; deny his needing to 'ever make an amends; justifying excusing whole 9 yards .. thank you for sharing this because i am seeing it a little different this time around ..
one thing i will share as a 'common suggestion to newcomers however is we only suggest making no life changes on either end for several months while attending meets .. sometimes i say til after step work is done on 12 .. i relate to this for me because so many of our decisions in life have sometimes been made in moments of confusion anger worry doubt mistrust or misunderstandings .. but there are no rules and no advice givers in alanon .. merely suggestions .. wishing you the best in this .. with betty up there on coming back to meetings .. online here might help too .. literature .. face to face and always a sponsor we can meet with for extra guidance ..
Your understanding of the effects of alcoholism on you husband's family is kind and loving. Listening to their crap isn't showing love to you. One of the best results of working this program is that I get to not take part in the disease. His mother's denial and blame belongs to her. How about you kindly and softly state that your sorry she feels like that but will no longer listen to this talk as it's not good for you. Thank you and goodbye. I suspect she knows exactly what hes like. She's panicking in case she's stuck with him and so she is manipulating the situation for her own gain. I can understand that because living with an alcoholic is too much even for mothers. From what I've heard from sober alcoholics in recovery. Sobriety usually comes when the pressure gets really uncomfortable for them. So the family backing off letting go of this grown man and choosing their own life is not unkind but most loving.
Thank you so much everyone for your replies. It is so reassuring to hear from others who have such similar experiences. Even though I am just now responding I have been reading all responses and continuing to work my program. We've just been struck by the flu so me and my daughter have been sleeping quite a bit. Everyone's encouragement means so much
Sorry for your flu experience - it's a tough one to shake. Take good care of you (and your daughter) and sleep was so, so helpful for me....not sure it shortened anything but did help me feel a bit better.
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((Gardening)) I'm so sorry you have this and I can relate.
When I was married, there had been a similar disrespect underpinning the relationship with my mother-in-law.
She wanted things the way that she wanted them and made it clear there would be a price to pay for her not having her way.
When her son burned and crashed, she sunk deeper into denial and blamed me for the demise of the marriage. She accused me of having an affair as the reason for her son's condition.
Fair to say she was not the support system needed and not rational for a relationship.
Her son eventually moved back into her home and was now her problem again. In a moment of lucidity, she tapped me on the shoulder and said she understood all that I had been through and how difficult it must have been. She said she couldn't take it and it broke her heart.
Fast forward, I visited her in the hospital when she had a stroke. She was broken and there was less and less that she could pretend to control. We both made amends to each other. I am grateful and blessed to be at peace even though we haven't seen each other in a very long time (because of my ex's new wife, etc).
Smarter and wiser, I had became aware of her "isms" as well as her progressive drinking habits. However, we had common ground with our family values which was enough to bridge an understanding that only came by the grace of God.
I suspect your mother-in-law is feeling overwhelmed. She cannot take care of her horse or her son. You're "safe" to dump her anger on and you're standing close enough for her to do it.
Identify your boundaries with her and be lovingly firm. The lovingly part is for you.
Thank you. I have made it very clear to my mother in law that I do not wish to talk with her right now. She has not made any attempt to call or text me since I discussed her behavior with my father in law when I told him under no circumstances would I continue to care for her horse. I'm not sure if she is embarrassed by her behavior or still blaming me, I don't really care either way. I just keep telling myself she needs help. We have been getting lots of sleep and I think I am over the worst of it. Thank you again everyone for your responses and support
Hi Gardening your story really resonated with me too. after my son was born his family basically exploded all over us. It was bizarre. They started acting in these horrible ways, planning things, deciding everything was my fault, telling us what to do. My husband ended up cutting them off, and then they started harrassing me and my family. It was like watching a hurricane... I have never seen anything like it. I was in shock and horrified.
It's so hard and I really can relate to the feelings of being disrespected. I was so angry at them. In general though, I find that I don't get closer to being serene and happy and stable in myself by thinking about how people should be treating me.
It helped me to realise that they were very, very sick people. But even so, for me I am not able to be around them for my own sanity and that is the choice I have been making, for the past few years. In the future that might change, but I am still happy with that choice for today.
I used to obsess about my parents in law. Seriously obsess. I was so angry at them. I have honestly never been treated by someone the way they treated me - in my life. And I come from a horribly dysfunctional family.
Eventually I wrote them an email and told them respectfully to please stop contacting me and my family. But that was after months of cooling down.
Hi Gardening,
I can relate to your post too. I love how you are being kind and loving and just as el-cee stated remember you don't have to subject yourself to it. I learned in my recovery after a lot of painful criticism from others that I could just say either to them or in my head "that's just your opinion" and leave it where they dropped it. It's sort of the take what you like and leave the rest idea. I got to leave most of it. I didn't have to take it in or take it on or feel bad about it. Keep working the program you are really doing great. My hat is off to you.
