The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading discusses 'help' and what it looked like for most of us before recovery. The writer considered Al-Anon 'heartless' when she first heard that the best way to help an alcoholic was to focus on self. She had decided to not return and one statement changed her mind. She was told that the desire to help another can be well-motivated and compassionate but our old ways of 'helping' don't necessarily help. Al-Anon offers a new way to help.
Making excuses for the alcoholic was not really helpful. Nor was covering bad checks. This type of helping kept them from facing the consequences of actions. This kind of help actually deprives another the opportunity to want to change. We learn through recovery and the steps that some of us felt almost desperate unless we were 'helping'. Checking our motives helps us see that perhaps it was our own anxiety that we did not want to face.
Today's reminder -- Is the help I offer truly loving or do I have other motives? Am I trying to change another person or get them to do what I want? Talking it over with my sponsor can offer perspective. My best hope for helping those I love really does begin when I focus on myself.
Today's Quote from Detachment -- "In Al-Anon, we learn:
- Not to create a crisis;
- Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events."
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I came to Al-Anon and just wanted to know how to help my alcoholics not drink. I believed if the substances were removed, all things would magically improve. I also believed I was not the problem and the wheels would fall off if I didn't 'help'.
I too found it maddening that instead I was told to focus on me. How on Earth could I put me first when they were ...................
Yet, I did see others who appeared more calm than I. In truth, they were sane and I was far from it. For me, 'helping' was only one concept that was distorted in me caused by this disease. My personal definitions, boundaries and manners needed an overhaul which the program provided.
I do believe today that detaching with love helps me be me and others be them. When I can stay on my side of the street and allow natural consequences to happen, I am helping far more than I ever did before. 'Growing up in public' has been slow and uncomfortable at times, yet the end result for me is more serenity and more grace. I'm grateful for recovery and all the tools we get to be/do different.
It's a balmy 22 degrees this morning - a warmer day in my part of the world. We have a small break from the very cold weather and I'm excited to go run some errands. My little people came over last night for a play date - what fun it is to hang with them. Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Such an important page in the program and for my recovery, thank you IAH for your service and share.
AlAnon guided me to a concept that was life changing for me, and the beginning of my recovery: It is not my right, nor my responsibility, to try to change or effect outcomes in the lives of others. Looking honestly at my efforts to "help" and "guide", I recognized that, as the text suggests, I was really trying to reduce my own anxiety from forecasting outcomes and consequences.
When I follow the recommendation to keep the focus on myself, I show respect for others' right to find their own path, with their own higher power, and acknowledge that I know what neither is for them.
I interfered with my qualifier's recovery and caused myself a ton of unnecessary anxiety by trying to mind their business. I still work daily to stay within my "circle" and stay out of others', but am incredibly grateful for the wisdom of the program and resulting serenity.
Break out the board shorts, it feels like spring! I, too, am grateful for the warm up, enjoy the break
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Good Morning IAH and Paul i agree program did guide me to sanity and wisdom. When i first showed up at the doors of alanon my attitudes were firmly fixed deep within and I thought that I was always right and that "Helping" people my way was the only way. Working the Steps,attending meetings keeping an open mind (very important) helped me to accept that I was often wrong and that my motives suspect . I helped people to make myself feel better and disregarded their best interests. What a discovery!!!! Thank you alanon for providing the support I needed to become honest with myself and find HP.
Thanks fro your service and please do stay warm and safe
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 01:03:03 PM
THanks to all who shared this morning, and for the daily. I remember feeling so disappointed at my first meeting. After all the courage it took for me to go, there were no tips on fixing my A! I heard about fixing me. I know I thought that if my A weren't such a mess, and hadn't been hurting my for years, I wouldn't be a mess too.
And I still remember the calm faces sitting in a circle. There was one member who was a wreck like me, but the others had something about them that I could tell I wanted. I am so glad I kept going back and will continue to work in this program. My life has changed for the better in so many ways, all due to program and all the wonderful people that contribute to my journey . Thanks so much! Lyne
Good morning everyone! Thank you for all the shares!
I remember my first meeting many years ago. Possibly why I didn't "get it." It really wasn't a very healthy group and..........I didn't know enough at the time to see how unhealthy that one group was. I should have looked for another one. I did get so much from my mom who was Alanon and she helped fill in the gaps the group I was attending did not. Still, what an amazing program. I'm so grateful today. I honestly can see how my entire life would have been different if I had known about Alanon as far back as my teens. I made it here now though and that is what counts.
ROFL @ Paul - while it's warmer today I'm still in fleece! I did get a chuckle out of the board shorts comment - wait until the week-end - we're supposed to hit the 50's!! Always good to see you!!
Thanks all for your ESH and shares - it is always so refreshing to hear that what I felt, thought, expected, etc. was not unique to me - I love that Al-Anon gave me a fellowship...(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
