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Im trying to stay awake to keep an eye on my husband. He went out and DROVE home tonight from the bar and is in the worst condition I've ever seen him. He mumbled something about a fight, took a couple steps, fell, banged his head on the doorframe, and he is now laying on the bathroom floor sleeping. Im staying awake because Im afraid he'll stop breathing. He has been dry heaving so I don't think there is anything in his stomach to throw up/choke on. I can't lift him. He's 210-ish lbs. I can barely get him to wake up or answer me. Im not sure what to do??
At this point I'm not even angry. Just heartbroken that he has yet again put me in this position with young children in the house, and worried whether or not he'll be ok. I'm trying not to think about tomorrow or what could have happened on the ride home. Seeing this again after he's been doing good for so long has me so scared I'm shaking like im freezing cold.
He keeps not breathing for a few seconds and then inhaling deeply and breathing heavy for a few...im worried. I considered calling the hospital but I know he would be FURIOUS if I did and it wasn't an emergency. Any advice from anyone out there would be so much appreciated!
Welcome- I read your post and realized that while living with an active A I had reacted to situations like the one you described in both ways. That is, I had sat next to him making sure he didnt stop breathing, insisted on the doctor, etc and then also did absolutely nothing even when his drinking landed him in the hospital. I dont think there is a right or wrong answer and also nothing that will affect whether or not he drinks to this extent (nothing you do or dont do will result in him drinking or not). In this instance, if you are worried about whether he will stop breathing and want to call the hospital I can see that for your peace of mind and would try and forget about how he might react (I also can see how difficult that would be).
Im glad you found this site where people do understand and have been or are where you are. You are not alone! Keep coming back as there is strength and wisdom here, in the readings and meetings.
I also welcome you to MIP NMH - so sorry for what you are experiencing....I agree with Mary above - you need to do what makes sense for you and the situation. I sometimes pause and consider what I would want another to do if it were me instead in peril....(((Hugs))) - keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello Welcome This is indeed an unsettling disease I have called 911 in similar situation or at other times placed a pillow under his head and a blanket over him (depending on what I considered an emergency or not ) and went to sleep. Please do search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. There is hope
Hello everyone
Thank you so much for the replies.
I was able to get him into his recliner and get him in a more upright position. He stopped breathing for a few seconds a couple more times but after throwing up seemed to finally settle into an undisturbed sleep. I'm arranging to take the kids to grandmas today and let him sleep it off. I don't believe attempting to talk about it today is going to do any good.
I agree that it doesn't seem like anything I do or any depth of "rock bottom" puts an end to this behavior.
I had left the marriage before because of the drinking, but we gave it another go after he had quit drinking altogether. Things have been going so good. I've painted him as a devil tonight, but he's really a great guy away from the liquor. Great with the kids, so funny, involved with family life, a hard worker and very smart.
I just don't know what to do. Do I just deal with these severe relapses every so often (once a year, maybe twice) for the sake of keeping our family together and happy?
I don't feel like an ultimatum to seek treatment will do anything. He doesn't think there is a problem because he rarely "goes out".
I think more than anything I wish I UNDERSTOOD WHY he does this...why would someone put themselves and their family through this? How would you not wake up the next morning and be so ashamed you never touched it again?
I'm rambling. Thank you again for your replies. I have begun a search for local meetings. I assumed that Al-Anon was just for achoholics themselves, and I'm not sure if my husband even fits that definition, but I'm so thankful for the resources on this board already. ( I read the Do's and Dont's).
Have a happy day, everyone!
Welcome and glad you shared your situation with us. You will find in face to face meetings, and on the board here, that many of us have also experienced the despair of watching a loved one destroy him or herself. If I thought there was a chance my A could die or have brain damage , I would not hesitate to call 911. It might even be good for the alcoholic to see that there is a limit to what I consider good judgement.
I have been in Alanon for over 4 years and I continue to grow stronger and healthier day by day. Program has given me the strength to be brave enough to do what is best for me. Keep coming back, Lyne
I'm so sorry you are in this position. I remember many times leaving my XAH on the floor passed out after binging. I made sure he was breathing and, at times when I felt compassionate enough, I covered him with a blanket. My XAH used to say the same things: I don't go out drinking, my problem isn't that bad. I don't hit you, do I? So, there really isn't much of a problem. etc etc.....
The excuses and reasoning are just a way to mask things for themselves. As you said, you can't force him to seek treatment, but you can learn to take care of yourself and that's what I chose to do when I found Al Anon 6 years ago. Please find a local meeting near you and take care of you. Sending you lots of support and love!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Welcome, NMH. This is a wonderful program. So glad you are here!
Much wisdom has been shared above. I too am with the thoughts of calling 911. It helps erase some doubts of there being a problem with alcohol.........in saying this, what brought me back into Alanon was a binge drinker who lives on our property ending up in the hospital with seizures. I hit a breaking point. She had been a dry drunk, went on a binge and endangered her life along with anyone else on the road.........somehow she ended up about 45 minutes away at an ER. I did not offer to pick her up either. Honestly at the time, I would not have been good for her had I picked her up. I was so angry. I think we all do as best we can at the time in these situations. Whether right, wrong or just in between. For now, I am trying to learn to not worry about the A while she works her program. To leave her in my Higher Powers hands and not in mine.
Aloha NMH and welcome to the family...it was also during the What do I do phases of our disease that I came to understand that I was saying "I am powerless" and I wasn't deaf. I heard back then what hotrod said here and then followed thru on it...pillow, blanket, prayers, sleep, educate myself on the disease. Apnea is a very common side event with alcoholism; the start and stop breathing, snorting inhales etc and the more I learned the more confident I got in this program. I heard another female member at an Al-Anon Meeting say the same thing so I continued to be taught. I learned that one thing worked best and it was her decision...stop drinking. She did 5 years after the divorce.
The best part for me was getting it into my mind, body, spirit and emotions that I was totally powerless an that HP had the power to change it if I only had the power to surrender completely and I did and it worked.
The pillow and cover are evidence of love of both the alcoholic and self. This works when we work it. And Mahalo Hotrod for the reminder. ((((hugs))))
Hello NMH, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. I have been in that situation as well, and know how frightening and confusing it is to decide what to do in the moment. I was embarrassed and worried about calling for help. Finding Al-Anon meetings was a life-saver for me.
The MIP family has given wonderful wisdom. The only other suggestion I could add is that, in my situation, our health plan had an "advice nurse" number that we could call if uncertain what to do in a medical situation. The nurse would listen to information, consult with an on-call doctor, and advise if we should get the person to the hospital. It was nice not to have to make that decision on my own, although I did have to advocate for how serious things looked and that I didn't think I could safely get him to the hospital myself.
I was relieved when the ambulance came to get him and the workers told me I didn't have to come to the hospital immediately with them, but could stay home, take care of myself, and come later ... the same thing I was advised by Al-Anon friends.
And just to clarify, AA is for the alcoholics ... Al-Anon is for their family and friends. Al-Anon is one of the best kept secrets around -- not intentionally, but it seems we don't find out about it until we really need it and are ready for it.
I found relief in taking things one day at a time. Keep coming back.
Thanks again for the overwhelming support, everyone. I am deeply touched by the responses.
I can relate to the overwhelming feelings of embarrassment that have prevented me from seeking help or talking to someone about this in the past. Ive been trying to hide this for the 11 years we've been married. He used to disappear several times a week at its worst, when I took the kids and left for a couple years.
I love him, and the thought of being powerless to help him is terrifying. Equally terrifying is the idea of it getting worse and having to leave again. Our 3 boys, all under 10, have been through so much because of this and would be devastated. Maybe I was dumb for thinking he was better and coming back home...he seemed to be.
So many great ideas in these replies. I will definitely be looking into options offered by our insurance and have already found a local meeting that meets at a time when I will be free to go. I'm not sure yet what I'm hoping to achieve here, but reading the other posts and replies on this forum has been so helpful, as well as the all the information and support I've gotten here today.
Thank you again so so much. Your replies mean a lot to me and have given me something to re-read and hold on to.
Hey NMH - so glad you got him to a place where you are comfortable. I so agree that discussing today would not be helpful for you, him or anyone. As far as what do you do - I suspect again, you are not alone. There is no OSFA (one size fits all) answer for how to deal with the disease and the diseased. What I do know is that Al-Anon, for family and friends affected by the drinker in another, helped me find myself, which was lost in shame, anger, disappointment, hopelessness and more.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and each is wired differently. Whether he ever seeks recovery/support or not, you are welcome to attend Al-Anon and see to your own recovery. The best things from my first few Al-Anon meetings - people listen to hear, nobody gives advice, there is no judgement and all are welcome. It was refreshing to find others who had similar situations in 'life' and were able to heal and deal using the program.
For me, Al-Anon was a game-changer. I am still with my AH and that's OK. Others end up leaving, and that's OK. In recovery, we each get to use the tools and live our life as needed for our situation. Glad that today has worked out and that you found us. Keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have often been put in the position of caring for others when they annotated. Now when someone is choosing to destroy their health I don't step 8n. That djuesnt mean I don't care. I do care but I also care about me. Being.worried about someone's health and whether they will majhe it through the night is a big burden.
I know when I was with the ex A I had two life threatening illnesses it took me months to recover from. The now ex A was at best indifferent to my needs. He had his own very serious health issues and I have to say I broke my back helping him. I.stopped helping eventually and the now d's A certainly has health issues.
One of my core defects is being willing to be far more caring for others than myself.
I disrupted by life over and over to meet some obsession within.me that demanded I take care if other people whole neglecting myself.
I actually called 911 if it looked bad, OR if not so bad, lay them on their side so if they vomit, they wont' choke, put a pillow under their head so the head is "up" a little bit, cover them up and let them sleep...its a horrid situation, but alanon is for YOU and YOUR sanity...I would get into as many meets as there are days, get a sponsor or recovery mate to work with you on the steps and focus on you and your care...he will either get into recovery or he will not....Nothing you can do about that, so please take care of you..focus on you....get on line and get 12 steps workbooks..I got soem great stuff just surfing the web..awesome worksheets on the steps......thats how ya make a life for yourself........IN SUPPORT
