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Post Info TOPIC: Courage to Change 1-12-18


~*Service Worker*~

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Date:
Courage to Change 1-12-18


Today's reading is about detachment.  The writer discusses watching a colony of bees and feeling a bit intimidated by the buzzing and frenzied motion around the hive.  She's reminded that if she didn't poke her nose into their hive, she would not get stung.  If we choose to maintain a safe distance from a dangerous situation, we will be fine.

We learn in recovery that the choice is ours.  When we sense that a situation is dangerous in any way, we can put extra distance between self and the situation.  We can limit our emotional involvement in a problem or we can leave a room or end a conversation.  We can even put spiritual space between self and another person's alcoholism or behavior.  We don't stop loving another; we just acknowledge the risks to our own well-being and make choices to take care of self.

Today's reminder ---  Now I know how to end an argument b simply refusing to participate, to turn to my Higher Power for help with whatever I'm powerless to change, to say, "No", when I mean no, and to step back from insanity rather than diving into it.  Detachment is a loving gift I continue to give to myself and to others.

Today's quote ---  "If a man carries his own lantern, he need not fear darkness."  Hasidic saying

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My denial and insanity were such that a huge part of me really thought all would fall apart if I detached.  In my mind, I was the cog that held the wheel in place and kept things rolling along.  The concept of detaching was difficult for me to understand as I had spent my life in one unhealthy role after another - only daughter, youngest child, little sister, employee, wife, mother, etc.  I truly had no idea who I was as just me.

I began small by just biting my tongue when I felt uncertain/uncomfortable.  With all my energy and effort tied up practicing not engaging, it took a bit to see that much of the craziness fizzled out much sooner when I oped out.  When I felt good about this, I then began to physically detach - leaving a room, or simple Yes/No responses.  JADE came into play and I again spent my energy practicing my tools.

By now, I did believe in the disease concept and felt more ready to rely on a power greater than me.  I began to pray for those I was detaching from and that brought about grace and empathy.  With these gifts from my HP, I then practiced responding with kindness instead of silence, departing and/or reacting.  Baby steps of self-protection taught me how to love from across the room, street, city or country.

Practicing detachment and allowing others to live as they chose gave me the gift of unconditional love.  It took away my former obsession to what to fix, change, control and/or contort other people, places and things into what I thought they should be.  Celebrating each other no matter the situation became my go-to choice, which is a result of a growing faith in a power greater than me.

Small steps of change have given way to desire and hope for continued growth and change.  I am grateful today to be in recovery and to be working on a spiritual life.  Happy Friday to one and all - it's sub-zero today with wind chill in my neck of the woods!  Everyone stay warm and safe.  



__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Good morning, MIP! IAH, thanks for the daily!

Detachment was a really hard concept for me, but like you, I started by biting my tongue and not engaging in the craziness. Small steps of change helped me to get to a much healthier place. I need to be vigilant, because slipping back into fixing and doing for is easy for me. I've noticed that since my wife moved back in, she's working hard to re-establish the codependent relationship we had before. I don't think she even notices. I didn't notice or mind the small requests for assistance here and there, but this fall, I became more and more uncomfortable with the expectations and am working on little steps to detach again.

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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



~*Service Worker*~

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Good Morning IAH and Skorpi Detachment is a very powerful tool within my alanon arsenal. and although it was not an easy one to develop, I find it has saved my sanity and life on numerous occasions
I discovered that small steps were the key - I needed to accept the fact that "REACTING" was a negative tool and that taking time to listen with an open mind, process and then speak served me well.

Pausing and reciting the serenity prayer when I wanted to scream or control was my first experience with detachment I was so pleased by the results, that I then choose to use the slogans as well as the serenity prayer in order to pause, detach and respond.
Thanks for you service

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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Good morning everyone. Detachment is a new challenge I am learning. Again. It is uncomfortable and maybe I don't have it in the proper terminology......? It seems to also tie in with boundaries.....Regardless, it is one of those days of having to practice both. It is not a comfortable feeling at times.....I am finding I have to detach from my own feelings of feeling mean during those periods I have to set boundarys. So silly, even when they don't know I am setting them I feel mean! *sigh*. This is where I need to practice detachment and know that I do not need to fix, help or whatever an area they need to do for themselves

I have too much compassion for others and have never, ever had compassion for myself. That appears to be changing slowly with the help of God, this program and all who are here!

Have a great day!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Good Friday morning all! Thank you IAH for the C2C and your ESH about it.

Detachment was my savior when I finally admitted that addiction had AGAIN entered my married life and was out of control. It did a good job of stopping the constant, stupid little arguments that would occur between my AH and myself. I am sure it made the home much more peaceful for my teenager! However, at some point, detachment just wasn't good enough for me... I could not tolerate living with addiction and all the chaos it brings. I also felt that as a married couple, we weren't modeling good behavior for our almost adult child. Detachment then was a temporary tool.

Now I use it often... at work, with my teenager, with my parents. I have learned not to REACT, but to back off from the situation, think on it, and then give a response. Usually, a more appropriate response. Helps me feel more at peace.

__________________

Music makes my soul soar!

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself." St. Augustine

~~If nothing ever changed, there would be no BUTTERFLIES~~ anonymous



~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks for your service, IAH, and all ESH shared above. Yesterday I blocked my ex-abf from my phone in order to protect myself from incessant calls and messages. Nothing I said ever changed him, and I've been asking for more consideration for years. Because of a very strong emotional response yesterday I finally understood I could not go on like this, so it was me who had to change, to detach in this manner. This is not what I wanted, the opposite actually, but this is the right thing for me to protect myself from his insanity. I wrote an e-letter explaining what I'm doing and was direct for once, no cutting corners, softening what i mean or diminishing my feelings or the like and I also worked not to be mean.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Way to take care of yourself, Aline! Hugs!

__________________

Music makes my soul soar!

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself." St. Augustine

~~If nothing ever changed, there would be no BUTTERFLIES~~ anonymous



Member

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Hi Everyone, this is the very first time I am doing this and I am nervous, I have been without any good Alanon, meetings for so long, and have known about Online Alanon for so long, but never ever did anything about it, now is the time and I am so excited, and know I will find the Peace and Serenity that I am searching for. Just to get online and read all the sharings, is so good, as I no longer feel so alone, in my recovery. I am a long time member, and was always active, and then things changed, I never gave up on my recovery, but the meetings. So here I am.

I want to respond to the sharings on Detachment, as as the moment, I am finding it so hard. I am the head of a large Family, with many, Grandchildren, their partners,and many, many Great Grand Children, so because of who I am,, I know that my Heart is very attached to all of them. Also, because of the depths of Active Alcoholism, and effects that is living and breathing within all of them, I sit at the top of our Family Tree with all the branches of Family Members underneath me, I watch, see, all that goes on, and its both bittersweet, and very painful. Because, I love and Care. I have always know, through doing my 4th Step and when they go through their stuff, I go through it with them, knowing also that I carry, and care at the same time.

When that happens, I use to give myself a hard time because I was in recovery, I 'Should' know better,I know the Slogan of Detachment. I only made things worse for myself, so I decided to be kind to myself and do it a different way. today,when one of mine is in pain, or playing up, I accept that I am going to be in pain, ask My HP to help me and then work through it, I find when I give myself permission to feel, love them,the situation, myself I am more at Peace with all of it. Also, I find that being a Mother, is hard, being a Grand Mother is even harder, and being a Great Grand Mother, is even harder, especially with the Disease lurking around.

My Higher Power gave me the Greatest Gift of all when He gave me recovery, and that is how I work, live My Alanon Programme, One Day at A Time.

Love you all, and it is very, very Hot, here where I live. WendyP.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome to MIP WendyP - so glad you found us and joined right in! You are now part of the family - so keep coming back and don't be shy! As you already know, there is hope and help in recovery....it's such a gift that we're not alone!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



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Glad you are here Wendy! Nice to meet you. It truly is a breath of fresh air knowing we are not alone!

Keep coming back!

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Hi, thank you so much for your replies, I am less nervous now, as I feel as if I have come Home after such a long time, out in the Desert. After reading a lot of sharings, since I have been Online, I know longer feel so alone, taking on this Hateful, Powerful Disease within myself, and all my Family Members.

I can't say enough of how grateful, that I am. For me it is much better being in the Programme than I remember when I wasn't.

Love You, WendyP.




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~*Service Worker*~

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(((Wendy))) - right back @ ya - keep coming back and you are not alone!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 

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