The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My... boyfriend (?) and I met a little over a year ago at the beginning of a relapse for him. Of course, the depth of his addiction were not known to me until we were too far gone, so to speak. 2 rehabs and a heat layer and here we are. Heās been sober for a longer period of time than Iāve ever known him to be, and Iām thrilled for him... but our relationship is beginning to cave under the pressure and we are no longer riding the wave of excitement over his sobriety. I want to be supportive, but at what point is it āokā to have my needs met? At what point does it stop being 100% about his recovery? When do I stop feeling the need to walk on eggshells, to put my needs/wants to the back burner? Iām not even asking for 50-50, but 60-40 would be swell. I love him, and want to see him succeed; I know that any major changes could lead to a relapse and if I end things with him, heād have no where to live..
But I am finding it harder and harder to invest my emotions and invest myself in to this relationship any more. Iām doing all that I can to work on me... but the more I do that, the more I feel that he isnāt a good thing for my life.
Iāve read about the āwait and seeā method for when youāre feeling like youāre at the end of the rope... but how long can I wait? When do I start getting what I want.
I know I must sound petty and selfish... but thatās because everything revolves around him and his recovery, and itās starting to suffocate me.
::sigh:: Thanks for listening.
Hello Jessica welcome Living with the disease of alcoholism is indeed trying. We develop many negative coping tools in order to survive the insanity. Alanon is a recovery program for family members and Face to face meetings are held inmost communities. The hotline number is in the white pages . I urge you to search out these meetings and attend before you make any decision keep coming back here as well ---There is hope
What a timely post for me, I have been mulling that question over myself lately. I thought there would be some magic point where my AW was solid in her recovery, had worked on herself and made some great improvements, and would be ready to give back and maybe even work on our relationship. I love her, and we have over a decade of history in our relationship. I haven't been ready to make a decision about staying or leaving yet, so I have been making the decision of "not ready to make a decision yet." I figure that I will know I am ready to make a decision when the time is right. At least, that is what some program friends have told me, and it feels right to me. I don't think you sound selfish, honest is the word I would use.
I decided that I am going to spend more time away from the house and invest my time and energy in activities and friendships that build me up. Going to Al-Anon meetings is an important part of that for me.
Keep coming back. I have found that, for me, even having a place to express myself and be met with understanding makes a huge difference.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Jessica - for him, his recovery should always be his top priority. As those of us who live or love an alcoholic, we don't realize that our recovery should also be our top priority. This disease makes life and relationships difficult and all are affected. There is no easy answer, no magic date and no one size fits all (OSFA) answer unfortunately.
I too arrived at recovery hoping that when sobriety and recovery happened, it would be 'great'. All would be well. For me today, it truly is as I've learned how to take life one day at a time, focus on being grateful for what I am and who I am and find peace in being an imperfect person in an imperfect world.
I do believe that recovery aids us in making life decisions for our own sanity and joy. I hope you take good care of you and be gentle as you explore what's next. Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
