LINKS

Al-Anon Group Home Page
Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room
Site Technical Problems or Questions?
Step Work Board - A Step every month!
Online Meeting Schedules


Al-Anon Family Group
Message Board

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"Real" Al-Anon Meeting Directory


A new step every month in the order they were written!


Al-Anon's 12 Steps & 12 Traditions

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Can't keep my mouth shut ..


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Online
Posts: 3180
Date:
Can't keep my mouth shut ..


I am seriously struggling to keep my big fat mouth shut and it is a challenge in ways that would boggle the mind at this point.  I am frustrated with the people in my life, ALL of them .. LOL .. I have hormones screaming and honestly it is surprising I haven't acted out worse than I have at the moment.  Mostly common sense things to me .. such as serious blanket statements made that my eye balls are rolling and my on liners are popping. 

My son and I who have always enjoyed car rides together have been having to suffer through extremely uncomfortable moments of quiet that we never have had before and it is frustrating.  He speaks something stupid and trust me it's stupid .. and I have to respond .. it's so like dealing with my XAH.  The absolutely manipulation going on is mind blowing and the button pushing.  It finally broke down to when I want the opinion of someone who doesn't have children I will be sure to ask him.  Until then he's not cleaning up collateral damage and at this point my respect level is 0.0 matching his current GPA.  I know, I know .. not nice however seriously I get tested in new and unusual ways at the moment and it's a total struggle.  I don't know what his end game is in trying me in this way.  This all came up because he's wanting to tell his brother about his changes and I'm sorry now is not the time and he doesn't get to dictate that .. I need to do what is best for all of us and my youngest has been struggling in school.  I have asked about family counseling and unfortunately it's not going to be as fast as my oldest wants it.  I did let him know .. he doesn't get to come in create chaos for his brother and then turn around and leave .. this is his crap and he's going to clean it up while holding the spoon.  HOWEVER it will be a family meeting this is not something he gets to do on his own when he feels it's right.  I just have no clue how to handle it. 

So in a change of tactic .. it's now coming after me and my current relationship .. I'm telling you I am going to knock this boy out.  It has been all I can do to keep my temper.  I miss the days I knew it all and had it all figured out because as I have aged I have gotten dumber, the less I understand, however the more I have compassion for .. I am waiting for my oldest to get knocked down by life and it is coming based upon what I know and he doesn't.  He has got this and everything is FINE .. LOL .. yup .. that's a true story. 

Anyway, I am, asking that the God of my understanding muzzle me for today and giving all of this over to Him because my life is unmanageable and I am powerless over other people, places and things .. I miss my sponsor and her wisdom.  I am so grateful my oldest is going back to college tomorrow however I am only counting on reprieve until Feb.  So we will see how things wind up. 

It has really been a challenge over the last week not to tie my oldest up and stick him in a closet until he's reasonable .. however .. honestly I need the break .. lol.  I also need to let go of the expectations I have of what I want for him .. again he is going to have to figure a few things out on his own.  Maybe this isn't the place for him to figure it out.  I am not pleased to say the least. 

Thanks for letting me share, S :)



__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Online
Posts: 16484
Date:

((Serenity)) I was reminded this morning of the old alanon slogan :"When you are walking through hell just keep on walking" Remember you are not alone and that your tools and wisdom as well as HP will guide you .
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way



__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 980
Date:

Sorry to hear of your struggles, Serenity. Cyber hugs to you! The good news in all that I read, was that you have your Program... you know what to do and how to handle manipulation. Is it fun that your eldest is doing it instead of your Ex? NO! But you have the tools. I for one agree about the family meeting and setting up a counselor for your youngest. Just remember he will take his cues from you. Keep truckin, lady, keep truckin!smile



__________________

Music makes my soul soar!

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself." St. Augustine

~~If nothing ever changed, there would be no BUTTERFLIES~~ anonymous



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 394
Date:

((((((((Serenity))))))))) I'm just so glad you are here! Prayers sent your way!

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 9052
Date:

Oh girl - I so hear you and so relate. I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers also. Hang in there - remember this too shall pass!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Online
Posts: 3180
Date:

LOL .. I sent my boyfriend a text from the store that started with Yea thou I walk through the shadows of death I will not fear thee .. and he was worried .. LOL .. that's what this parenting experience has been like.

I did do a few things .. I got a hold of the housing people to get a direct line on what are the rules of the dorm. I also have a call into the LGBTQ group for things like a new roommate and so on all of this was already discussed. I have a call in to Financial Aide to find out what is my part. I also have put a GPS on my kids phone at this point and honestly this is more for him than me. It will show when I'm there and where I am at .. at first I felt weird about it now I do not. It is more of it is what it is, no tracker, no phone. I'm still paying the bill. Like it or not .. this is how it will be until there is not a GPA of 0.0.

This is my kids thinking .. so as we are texting about financial aide he comes back with oh by the way .. I figure I will get a job as an RA at my dorm .. after I stopped laughing because I was crying from laughing so hard .. my response was .. sorry kiddo .. don't think that's going to happen .. why not was the response .. well .. you kind of have to follow the rules and you are on their radar as far as things go. Maybe down the road however not next semester .. I had told her to look into it before this actually however not now .. lol. This thinking is so addict like it's crazy. I have a girlfriend who has known me since E was 2 and she said to me OMGOSH .. This is J all over again .. same behavior, same crazy thought process .. if I did not know better I would swear there was alcohol and/or drugs involved. It is CRAZY. My XAH actually wanted to join the military again after 9/11 .. umm .. well with a bad conduct on your record you can't do that!? He just knew he could and I feel like I'm living her college years with him at the moment. My mind is blown and all I can do is hope whatever brain damage is going on will reroute itself. Sigh.

Anyway, he's going back to school today and I'm taking him. I will be sticking to the boundary of not picking him up weekly. I honestly figure the next time I see him it will be at the end of Feb when he's kicked out of school .. I'm at a point I don't know what I wish for in that regard. It is what it is .. boy oh boy .. I just pray the debt is not huge we will see.

Other than that it's going to be a good day and has been. So hurry up and wait right?

S :)

__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 9052
Date:

(((Hugs))) Serenity - the good news - today is drop off day!! You now get to choose when and what you discuss and not have your first born following you around the house with the craziness. That's what mine did often and it made me skittish, crazy and so grateful for end of day...

Hang in there - positive thoughts and prayers continue!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Online
Posts: 3180
Date:

It was a good drop off, however there were moments.

Some of this has everything to do with the irrational fear of rejection. I am not rejecting my kid on any level. I think there is a lot of growing pains wanting to declare adulthood and not knowing how to do that without shouting. I do hear him. However there are some serious boundaries that are being infringed on at the moment in terms of my time. He wants my time without having it be my time .. meaning this is about his convenience and so on not about what is best for me. That's something that he's not really understanding and the only way he will understand is when he gets a job and doesn't get paid for not showing up because there is no time off. Maybe that will be more of an impact down the road. For now he's really in la la land.

One thing we did agree on (this is actually a miracle .. LOL .. we agreed on something) is that he's decided that instead of shutting me out which we have been very close and probably closer than is healthy at times .. that it would be good to get honest about what is going on. The one thing I won't do is I won't discuss the current boyfriend as I have decided to make an offering to Satan .. LOL .. I kid .. only sort of .. however I just don't care at this point. So that he will have to discuss with his therapist. I am so not open to this right now that's my choice. The other thing is I will not be running back and forth at someone else's convenience and the next time I show up there will not be a 20 min wait. The other thing is when we are talking I'm not doing the distracted talk .. of 3 parties talking especially when I am so not interested in the other party. Yes I am jealous of his attention .. lol I don't get it often and no I'm not sharing when the call is about us. I did compliment the fact he took a mature step and I made my statements about how I felt and so on.

He's still not getting the full deal in terms of dude you are at school and I'm not the taxi. Of course on my way home I get a text umm mom .. I just opened my laptop and there is a DVD from the library. I'm going to check and see if it's cheaper to buy the DVD or me to run back up there for it. UGH. I'm not happy about that. I also have a social life this weekend starting Friday. I'm very excited. LOL. It's been a LONG while since I have been out and that will be good. I have been neglecting my self care with friends. I plan on changing that part big time. The funniest part is the expectation I need to come back this weekend for books .. LOL ... they aren't my classes .. let his sig other deal with that part of things .. this is so not my problem. Or better yet .. call his dad .. I would love to see that conversation .. LMAO.

We also talked about redemption. He honestly did not believe I called the housing people. I let him know .. yes I did and yes all eyes at the moment are on him. It's great to say the past is in the past .. however when the past continues to crash into the present and affects the future .. that's not in the past .. saying I'm going to (fill in the blank) doesn't mean jack poop. Showing that the grades are up, responsibilities are being taken care of and I'm not being dragged into things, life gets taken care of instead of sitting back riding the wave .. then we can talk about moving things to the past. He did make the comment that I had no idea one text would cause this kind of issue. Referring to New Year's Day, my statement was .. umm .. dude .. it was not one text and you know that. He still tried to inform me that he was going to be working the desk at the dorm and I informed him probably not .. he was actually shocked and I think that's when he realized I really did call and talk to people. The housing person was extremely concerned I referred to that dorm as Animal House the movie .. lol. That's what it appears to me to be .. the reality could be different .. however 0.0 .. Come on .. really. My biggest explanation was you spent 12 weeks breaking the rules and want to come in and set the rules now .. what do you have to show how things have changed? School hasn't started yet. You are back on the first step of a long journey and now a semester behind .. so in what way do you have proof that things have changed. Nothing has changed at this point. So until something changes .. I would say a desk job at the dorm is out. So next year could be different .. however this year .. yah .. not so much kiddo. Today is the first step of doing the best you .. you can be and no I'm not going to beat you up about the past .. today .. that's the information I have to draw from and he's in a position of showing me exactly who he is .. so what statement does he want to make about his adulthood .. I have yet to see it.

Anyway .. we are both under construction at the moment redefining our relationship and I hope that we can bridge the chasm that has been breeched, it is unfortunate that this has happened it is what it is.

Hugs S :)






__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 9052
Date:

Serenity - just a thought.....it's cheap to mail a CD - about $3.00. I mail things all the time as I have a home business.

I'm glad that you have plans this weekend - it will be nice to be with adults. I can so relate to how draining and 'la-la-landish' it is to hang with young adults - it's exhausting esp. when they have a 'love interest'. I always found it eye-roll worthy when mine would say, well So-So thinks....... and it was so opposite of what my own's goals were yesterday or last week. I had to keep reminding myself that I am powerless and they have their own HP and I had to hold in those eye-rolls.

Because of this disease, mine are very slow to mature yet I do see progress and that's all I ever wanted. Once I was able to accept them as they are, progress became a huge gift - the acceptance was the hardest part for me. Grieving all that I hoped for and who I thought they would be was not easy - my hope is it will be easier with yours back at school.

(((Hugs)))

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 980
Date:

(((((Serenity)))) Sending you support over the webs!

__________________

Music makes my soul soar!

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself." St. Augustine

~~If nothing ever changed, there would be no BUTTERFLIES~~ anonymous



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13719
Date:

 

 

S ,,,I use the 3rd step prayers when ever I have to totally surrender the good of me and bad of me over to my Higher Power...try it if you haven't already. ((((hugs)))) smile



__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 491
Date:

The good new is they do mature at some point thank god. I have seen progress in my AD. she is now 22. big change from 18. Although its not as quick as I would like lol. I am noting the small things, such as being responsible , paying some bills, paying me back small bits without me asking , just generally being a tad more thoughtful of the fact that I am not just her mother but a person with my own life, needs and wants. It has been a long time coming but I really am grateful for it. I have changed dramatically as well and I don't feel the need to volunteer my opinion on things that I do not agree with as much and I don't get drawn as often into unnecessary drama so that is progress. Hang in there.

__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.

Tweet this page Post to Digg Post to Del.icio.us