The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Recently my mom moved back to the state she is from. She is now with her sisters and brothers and parents. I recently got married and I live in the same state too, just trying to finish my last semester of university.
I am struggling because my mom causes me a lot of stress. She has always had an issue with alcohol, but especially after she had a brain injury a few years ago, the drinking has gotten worse and has put her in many difficult situations including being let go of, incarcerated, divorced and estranged from me. Now she is back and wants to establish a relationship, but shows no signs of wanting to get help for her problems and get back on track, as she is driving around the state visiting family who enable her drinking. She calls me up and texts me to loan her money. If I don't do it, she accuses me of only taking care of myself and my husband and starts to yell at me and cuss me out. So, I send her some money, feeling guilty that I, too, am enabling her drinking problem. I am scared of her, despite being an adult, I still feel so trapped by her presence. She is unpredictable and seems to always either have a very bad temper and is angry all the time, or is loopy and strange and acting confused.
I am not sure if it is purely the alcohol to blame or because of the brain injury or the combination of both things, but I have completely lost the mom that I once knew. I have no interest in spending time with her, really it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about her. At times I wish that she would just disappear. I feel very ashamed for those feelings, that I should cherish the time with her, but I am frustrated and angry that I need to revisit my childhood with her and continue to be bullied by her disease and bad behavior.
I can't decide if I hate her or if I love her, but all I know is that I don't want her in my life anymore if she can't get help. I used to worry and not be able to eat or sleep because of her. I finally found a person I love and my life is happy and I have peace. I am so scared she will try to sabotage that. Maybe someone has some advice?
-- Edited by larust93 on Saturday 6th of January 2018 01:01:08 PM
Welcome to this group. No o e here is going to be shocked end horrified by Your feelings towards your mother. They are feelings you have not acted on them.
Am anon can help you in a lot of ways. First of all to not take your mother's disease personally you can detacjh. Detachme t is not an easy skill to learn but I can assure you it is worthwhile.
The other suggestion that al anon has is not to argue with the alcohol8c. That is called JADE. That is don't justify Argue Defend or Explain. Setting boundaries in your situation is form8dable. Be assured no 9ne here is going to judge you.
There are no grades in al.anon. I do assure you though the suggestions a d the principles of the program work very well. They really do help to de escalate.
Lastly this group is somewhere you can come end be forthright about where you are at. That is very.very helpful.
(Lauren)) Welcome this is indeed a double edged issue Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic disease over which we are powerless. AA is the recovery program designed for the person who drinks and alanon is the recovery program established for family members
Alanon holds face o face meetings in most communities and I urge you to check the white pages for the hot line number
I learned new constructive tools to live by while connecting with people who truly understood
Welcome to MIP Lauren - glad you found us and glad that you shared. You are not alone in the battle of loving/hating the person/disease - it's a powerful, cunning and baffling disease. It is also progressive and never cured - only arrested through abstinence and recovery if wanted.
I too encourage you to attend Al-Anon. It helped me to separate the disease from the person, focus on what I need in my life, and I gained tools, as Betty suggests to use to heal from and deal with the disease. I can fully relate to considering cutting others out of my life - what helped me in Al-Anon recovery was boundaries and detaching.
I hope you can find local meetings and attend. It's a safe place to share with others and get ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) to apply to your own situation. For me and my situation, it truly was a game-changer and I'm forever grateful to now have serenity most moments of most days!
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all for your responses, it's comforting to know there are many people who have gone through similar situations with loved ones and have come out stronger for it.
I don't think my mom will ever change, because she doesn't want to and she doesn't see a problem. So it will be my job to accept her and the alcoholism for what it is and just try to create my own peace with it.
Right now I am struggling with memories and feelings from childhood that are flooding back. It took so many years to escape those feelings and now they are back and they won't leave me alone, just because she is here in my life and living in such proximity to me now. I feel like if I try to establish boundaries with her, she will get angry. If I try to communicate my feelings she will be offended and won't understand, and will be angry. I am so scared of her and her temper and capacity to be violent. I am not sure where to start with the healing and coming to terms with everything. Today I plan to go to an Al-Anon meeting in my city and hearing other people and their stories.
Hello Lauren I do so understand and am pleased that you intend to attend an alanon meeting. While you are there ,look at up the literature , and try to pick up the Just for Today bookmark which is my favorite. Alanon provided me with constructive tools to review my past,let go of the unrealistic expectations I carried and allowed me to move into the moment filled with courage, serenity and additional wisdom.
You are not alone and there is hope
Let us know how the meeting goes. It is suggested to try a few if available so if your location has more than one, why not! I can relate to how the memories flood in and how I always projected bad from them. It is in Al-Anon that I was able to get to my truth and better use a variety of tools to heal/deal.
Sending positive thoughts and prayers!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Went to the Al-Anon meeting for the first time in my life today. Got to meet some nice people and learn about the program. Today the theme of focus was not taking responsibility for the alcoholic's actions, and turning the attention back to ourselves. Serenity prayer was shared a few times and we all went around the room telling a bit how the theme relates to our lives and situations. I really feel for the people who went. The feelings that I have been having these past couple of days were able to subside a little bit, which I am grateful for. I think this week I will read the literature and find some more meetings to go to.
Hi Lauren and welcome to MIP. I've only been back here a short time and the program is helping me with boundaries. This week would have been the week I would have driven out of state to check on my 80 year old AD. My way of trying to "help." Feeling obligated and under pressure has left. I just parked here and work the steps.
I never see him for very long. We do have a good relationship...........as good as one could be in spite of his drinking from waking to bedtime...He has his drinking buddies. I make him very uncomfortable so he drinks more...he knows I do not judge him for drinking. He's said as much. I just don't want to put myself through all the emotions for now.
I am learning the more time I spend working on myself, the more peace I have in my own life. I'm so glad you are here!
(((Lauren))) - so glad that you found support and some relief! Great plan to explore the literature and seek more meetings. For me, the meetings were very helpful in reminding me to stay on my side of the street and that I mattered....keep coming back here too - you are now a part of the MIP family!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Larust and again welcome to the family. Here with the MIP family as well was with your Al-Anon Family you will find help as you are willing to listen and practice what others do that helps us to gain peace of mind and serenity. We don't give advise as that is one of the old tools that didn't work with our alcoholic family members and friends.
Alcoholism and an untreated traumatic brain injury is a double wammy as alcohol is a mind and mood alterer. I plays hell with those alcoholics who had normal and natural brain functions and their relatives and friends and will exacerbate problems which also exist in the life of the alcoholic and their surroundings. Alcoholism is not curable and can only be arrested by total abstinence and a program of recovery. There is always hope we have learned here and in the rooms of Al-Anon where so many member go thru and have gone thru what we are going thru now. The rooms have saved my mind and life and allowed me to live with peace of mind and serenity. The alcoholics in my life came with my families of origin and then thru family members I chose thru marriage and relationships. There are more than enough to go around. I no longer live in the disease while it is still around me. Living in and with alcoholism is a choice...I choose not to.
Keep coming back often to participate in a recovery. (((((hugs)))))
