The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading discusses compassion, enabling and motives. The writer thought it was defined by making excuses for the alcoholic or covering for them when bad choices were made. We learn that this is enabling instead of compassion and that when we clean up the consequences of alcoholic behavior, we are enabling the A to continue drink comfortably and acting out without consequences.
We learn that real compassion comes from allowing others to face the consequences of their actions even when it includes pain. The writing goes on to suggest that the best way to determine if we are enabling another is to examine our motives. Questions at this point might include:
- Am I trying to interfere with the natural consequences of a loved one's choices?
- Am I trying to do for someone what they could do for themselves?
- Am I doing what I think is best for me?
- Do I resent what I am doing? If so, is it really a loving choice?
Allowing others to accept responsibility for their actions and choices is the most compassionate choice even if/when it feels foreign.
Today's reminder --- Today I will remember that I have choices, and so does the alcoholic. I will make the best choices I can and allow others in my life to do the same without interference.
Today's quote from Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism --- "I must learn to give those I love the right to make their own mistakes and recognize them as theirs alone."
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I can relate to what this reading suggests - I had a distorted definition of what compassion was/is. My distorted thinking went beyond this topic and most of my 'actions' that I felt were sincere, helpful and compassionate were in fact not. I often did for others that which they should do for themselves and cleaned up many different 'messes' made by my As.
Al-Anon gave me the freedom to make choices and taught me how to define and use boundaries. Through practice of this program, I have found comfort and peace in offering 'service' to my As at a level that I am comfortable with. I have learned to simply say that I am sorry for your pain and then offer to pray vs. 'fix it'.
Happy Friday to one and all - make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
For me, the line between enabling and "working together toward common goals" was originally difficult to define. It helped me to realize that we were NOT working together toward common goals - when my wife was actively consuming, her goal was the alcohol. My goals were family, home, stability, career focused. I had to realize that we were not working toward the same goals in order to help me stop enabling and stop cleaning up the natural consequences of her actions.
I still now struggle with the doing for her what she could do for herself - a certain amount of sharing and helping is (at least to my mind) implicit in marriages. And, I also struggle with resentment over what I am doing. It can feel as though I am taking on most of the burdens, but thankfully I have the help of the Program and fellow members to help me sort things out and be the best I can be on any given day.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Such a great page, thank you so much for your service and ESH, IAH.
This page helps me turn the focus back to me rather than trying to determine the validity or propriety of my own intended actions by trying to interpret the importance or intent of someone else's. AlAnon reminds me that I need to stay inside my circle, trust in my higher power and theirs.
I am so grateful for the reminders that help me unwind a lifetime of meddling and trying to control what I cannot, nor should not by misguided and counterproductive "helping".
Stay warm out there, looks like another frosty one
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
It just dawned on me after reading your shares and from C2C......if I do not feel compassion......do not speak, act or reach out until I do? It would be dishonest to my HP, self and to them....
Good Morning IAH This is indeed an informative , thought provoking page. I know prior to program, my definition of compassion, helping another, and loving were completely different .
Today, thanks to program, I have many changed attitudes and can feel compassion and empathy without trying o fix a situation,I can help without doing for or giving advise, i can love while allowing another to be themselves.
What a difference and I thought I was so perfect.
Stay safe and warm. Thanks for your service.
