The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We've had a lady on our property a couple years. She moved here to get away from her environment and get help. She was found unresponsive before she decided to get away from the area she was in. The conditions for her living here were to make recovery meetings of whatever she chose. (This was part of my coming back into al-anon, I was losing it over all this, she was always lying and manipulating, and invading my privacy. etc. also a friend of my dads so this has been a bit of a trap in more ways than one) She's never been in any program. Somewhere along the way I got tired of being a mother, babysitter, etc. I gave up and proceeded to hide from her as much as possible on my own property~
Well, a few weeks ago she took a hard relapse, ended up with a DUI etc. We told her in no uncertain terms she had to make 90 meetings in 90 days or have to leave. (of course I was glad she relapsed and in hopes of her making a change, before all the anger set in over her manipulating to get out of going to the meetings. Her arm hurt.......really lame excuses. I apologized for not sticking to the original agreement for her living here or leaving (no, i wasn't in a good place at all when this was all happening) She also has court coming up. Has just returned to work after injuring her arm and being off 3 months etc. She's broke and no place to go.
Before I got back into Alanon we had to confront her twice more about being dead serious on her making meetings or leaving. This thing has grown into ridiculous.
Well, she did go and hasn't missed any for the past week and a half. She has a sponsor and actually appears to be working the program........time will tell. 12 step programs when working them just can't be hidden.......or lack thereof....The codependent person in me really wants her to make it, get it and be happy and sober! Praying she learns to be honest and makes it.......dishonesty and manipulation has been her greatest enemy....
To the point now: She got called into work today and will be off mid-afternoon,(6 hour shift) called her sponsor first and is supposed to meet via telephone this evening (says its a 3 hour meeting..........)vs going to a meeting. I've stayed out of her biz totally, worked on me but I did offer her a cup of coffee if she needed to do her laundry over here. Huge step for me. It's been a time for me to just keep working on me yet let more compassion back in........(I set the time for 20 minutes of a visit and this is how I learned about the sponsor, missing meeting etc issue.)
I do not know what to do in this situation. I do not want to undermine her sponsor, is it honest to let her not make this meeting since it's an agreement and so on? I see issues heading in already......it's not the original agreeet...I, we, hubby and I are at a place of not knowing whether to address this or allow consequences if she is not serious this time..........Do I let it go and let the chips fall where they may or do I address this, knowing she will most likely bail out of meetings as often as she can......etc.
Any help and suggestions would be AWESOME!!! I'm too new back in my own program!
Hey Tude - 90 in 90 is just that.....if that's your boundary, you can suggest she go to 2 tomorrow or over the weekend to comply with your boundary. Often in AA, a new member will fret if they have to miss a day - there is usually more than one meeting offered per day - hope that applies where you are too. Just a suggestion - take what you like and leave the rest!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you IAH!
That was so perfect! She does have papers to sign. And yes, fretting over missing a meeting or many more hit the nail on the head for me!! It also offers an open door for her to walk thru to keep her promise. I am rooting for her and in hopes the promises will happen for her. By missing any meeting at this point not only harms her, it also isn't good for me. We have to keep the promise too............hard call, tough love. The only place for her to move is, back in with a full time A. I guess I have to realize these are choices she is choosing to make.
i agree IAH--Also remembering that we are powerless over others is helpful as is saying what we mean extremely important. Sending positive thoughts and prayers for success all around.
It worked for now. Really, really trying to guard myself in all this. The recent trip to lala land was a rude wake up call and one I needed!! Thank God for Alanon!!!
I avoided a phone call (she interrupts too much, time has shown she never hears what anyone else has said......... and I get ucky inside when I hear deception). I simply texted her and said:
"I know you have a great sponsor from what you shared about her saying, you had to be honest regarding getting a new job before your court date."
Here is where I may have dug into her program?>>>> I asked her: "does your sponsor know about the 90 meetings in 90 days for you to stay here?"
"You could do 2 meetings tomorrow and get your papers/book signed............"
She never responded to any of the texts. I suppose she thought about it? Later when my hubby called her to let her know her heater was repaired, she offered the info to him in a funny way. She told him she was going to 2 meetings the next day.
I was so angry when we finally located her at the hospital via phone in a neighboring town(she has seizures when she drinks) I told her to find a way home. I wasn't going to pick her up. We were trying to race home from out of state to make sure she and our pets were safe. Out of 2 years she's lived here, she's never pulled anything like this before........it's been an odd lulling to sleep in my part in this......she doesn't drink much in the sense of she's done this maybe twice a year that I know of.....and has been horribly dry drunk. We've paid her to watch the pets, homesit and take care of the poultry during trips before. I will say I've never been comfortable with it or trusted her....the pets that need meds always go with us...my hubby thinks I overreact......but he also gets fed up with her dishonesty and so on.....we have security cams.....she even tried to tell us she came back home to check on the pets during her drunk? She knows we have cameras.........
Fear of losing someone else to this disease has been overwhelming. I also see it in my reactions, good or bad ...I am losing that crazy making fear more and more daily:)
