The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
6 days is such a short amount of time, but itās the longest I can remember AH not drinking. Way too soon to even consider that it might be the start of a new normal. Heās still acting oddly - thereās a wall between us, but this time itās a wall he put up, not one of my own making, not one I put up to try to shield myself from the anger and disappointment his drinking caused. Thatās frightening because Iām not in control of it. And Iām not sure if I can - or should at this point - try to break through it. Yes, the alcohol was a wall he put up, but it was unconscious on his part. This is not. I keep trying to remind myself not to think too far into the future. 6 days is only 6 days. Itās new territory for both of us and neither of us know where itās going to lead us. Maybe in a circle...right back where we started. But maybe someplace new. As much as I was growing resentful about the old place, at least it was someplace I familiar with. I hate not knowing what to expect from day to day. And I hate that we havenāt talked about it at all. But Iām afraid to approach the subject of his not drinking. Itās not a smart move right now. Heās still in his own head with everything and I donāt want to pull him out of there if thatās whatās keeping him sober at the moment. I just need to leave him be, donāt I? Give him space to breathe and not demand an answer to anything. There arenāt any right now anyway I guess.
I was in similar situation and I gave my wife space to breathe. It was the right choice .. perhaps our only choice I think.
My wife went to a 28 day program in November (after Drs gave her less than a year to live) and when she came back there was a wall she put up. Initially, I tried to talk with her about what she needed, how I could help, if she wanted to talk about her struggles but what she wanted was to be left alone so she could deal with her internal dialogue and fight.
I have had my own similar battles so, for me, I understood. I let her know that I was there for her and would wait for her signal. We spent time together, quietly watched TV or spend time with our daughter.
Good news, every week got easier for her. First few weeks, she would have triggers, she would clench her fists and retreat to the bedroom.
Now, triggers are far fewer and with little to no physical manifestation.
Hi Twinkies
Welcome to the board. I can relate to your post. Do you attend Al Anon meetings? I found Al anon to be a very helpful support for me. I live with an active AH who has attempted to "cut back" many times. Before I came to Al Anon I used to wait and watch him. Hoping he would be successful and then my life could start again. Al Anon taught me to start living my life now. Regardless of what is happening with my AH my life needs some attention. Al anon has given me the strength to take better care of myself, learn more about what I need and treat myself well. By taking the focus off my AH and putting it back on me. It took a lot of practice and a lot of work and making a lot of mistakes but I am happier and healthier when I am focusing on myself. I can relate to feeling shut out. I am currently going through a phase with my AH where he is trying to cut back his drinking and I feel quite shut out as well. I have no idea why he does this but I honestly believe you can never truly know what is in someone else's mind and trying to figure that out will drive me crazy. So I let it be and do what I would like to do. If I take the focus off what my AH is doing or not doing and put the focus on what I need to do I find many things I can work away at that will make my life better. Keep coming back!
HUGS
KT
