The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted in a while. In fact, I haven't gone to an al-anon meeting in a long time. I found that it wasn't for me, but I still reach this board when I need to remember that I am not the only one who has been through this. I hope it's ok that I still post. I am truly practicing the "Keep what you want and leave the rest."
My husband and I decided to get a divorce 2 years ago. He was an alcoholic and was destroying not only his life, but mine as well. Walking away was the hardest decision I've ever made. We didn't separate because we didn't love each other, but because our lives were so toxic.
We never legally divorced because his alcoholism resulted in homelessness and I couldn't pin him down long enough to sign the papers.
Fast forward a year and a half. I had not spoken with him or seen him during this time. I was at work this past March and received a message from his sister via facebook. She told me he died of an overdose, alone and homeless at a bus stop.
I never thought I could feel a sadness this deep. Although I know it was not my job nor something that was remotely possible, but I wish with all my heart I could have saved him. I still cry everyday. Little things pop up that remind me of him- our wedding songs, memories on facebook, and items around the house that belonged to us. I drive past the place he died on my way to work every morning and it is absolutely heart wrenching.
I am trying to allow myself to feel the sadness when it pops up, but all I want to do is ignore it. I miss him. I'm sad for him. And I'm sad for me.
Grief is an incredibly lonely feeling. After the person you love passes, the people who care about you offer their condolences, their support, and lots of hugs. After a while, that stops. Other people are able to move on with their lives. Christmas was especially hard. I cried on the way to my parents house and was immediately greeted by my sister ranting about her husband who forgot to pick up something for the kids. I sat and listened, but all I could think was....at least he's here. and healthy. and alive.
Later that night my family went around the table and shared their worst drinking stories. I burst into tears and went into the basement to sob. All 3 of my siblings walked past me and no one said anything to me. Didn't ask how I was doing, if I needed to talk, or if I needed a hug. I never felt more lonely in my life.
I knew alcoholism would take his life eventually. But I didn't think it would happen this early. I take solace in the fact that he is no longer suffering. And man, he suffered. His life has been filled with abuse, mental illness, and addiction since he was 10 years old. His death was ruled an accident, but I don't know if I believe that.
I loved him until the end, and I love him still. Rest in peace, B. <3
Your share brought me to tears. I am so sorry for the loss of your love. Perhaps some grief counseling so that you can move through the steps of grief and not become stuck... that can devastate a person.
Wishing you peace today, and into the future.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I just lost my A Dad just before Christmas this year, so I am actively feeling your grief. I came back to this board at this time too. I'm glad you did, because you are not alone and neither am I.
Let yourself feel as sad as you need to honey. And seek out people and situations that are able to care and be nurturing for you where your family of origin may not be able to due to their own issues and fears.
People disappoint us, and that is often the truth in life. They have different ways and perspectives and values, and we can find their differences shocking sometimes.
I also had an upsetting sibling episode this year, amidst the sudden and very recent bereavement. My sister invited my newly widowed Mother for Christmas Day to their house to spend it with her own family. I asked my sis if it would be ok to pop by on the day, and she said no. So effectively, she hijacked our mother and blocked access to her on Christmas day, which was just 3 days after we had held my Dad's funeral. I am devastated at her insensitivity and unkindness. I am so hurt and let down. I cannot even begin to fathom what planet she is on where that is ok.
We are lucky to have a program and a recovery process, but when other family members do not have awareness, and are still acting out from toxic family patterns, it can be really hard, and I honestly feel for you. On top of one big grief you have experienced the grief of loss of trust and security in people you expect to be held and attuned by.
I know the program says that expectations are not a good idea and cause us pain, and certainly that is true. My sponsor is quite tough love about not having them, and says she doesn't have any of anyone anymore. But there are times when we are vulnerable, and when reasonable expectations or needs are not met, it take us by surprise. Then we have the difficult and painful process of readjusting what we can expect based on the new information after the event in that relationship. And the process of seeking alternative forms of soothing and comfort where it is actually available. And it sucks, frankly.
(((BSB))) - I too am glad you came back to share with us at MIP. You are not alone and you are always welcome - this family stays bonded as best we can and we love each other unconditionally. I am so sorry for your loss and your grief. I love that you were able to realize that he is no longer suffering after a ton of it. This disease is maddening and leaves significant damage in the wake - may you grieve as long as needed and know it's perfectly OK to feel as you feel when you feel it.
I am also sorry that your siblings were not able/willing to offer comfort. We gathered for Thanksgiving and Christmas as a large family. One of my cousins lost her child last year at the age of 18 to a horrific car accident - the driver was under the influence and a friend; her son was a passenger and was one of two that died that afternoon.
I consider myself an aware person, and am usually hyper-aware around the holidays/family. I clearly missed 'things' on Thanksgiving as my cousin was upset on Christmas because she felt nobody made mention of her passed son on Thanksgiving and she doesn't want anyone to forget him. Of course, as things happen anytime more than one is gathered, we had different perspectives on 'the right answer'. I share only because we each had a different point of view on how best to support her during her grieving and walked away from each other at a loss - not at all sure that we can ease her grief.
I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers and again - so sorry for your loss. I am saddened each time I hear of the disease taking another life. Please be gentle with you and maybe you might want to attend a meeting again - things change, we change and recovery has been a big game-changer for me.....(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I too am sorry for the grief and pain you are experiencing. I assure that alanon meetings will help to lift this pain and provide you with the support you do need. Please try them once again. I lost my son to this disease and the support i received was priceless
I'm so sorry for your pain. Grief comes in all forms and everyone is different. I hope you will keep coming back. It's ok to not be ok. It will pass. Hugs s :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I have lost a partner nearly 10 years ago now - the first few years my grief was physically painful, raw, overwhelming and often caught me off guard. It is true time helps and the grief slowly becomes less raw and a calmer more manageable grief takes over. I still miss him and think that because of this loss I then became involved with an alcoholic as maybe I wanted to save him instead. Long story short this did not work - I didnt understand that I was powerless over this disease and he has now moved out. I miss him very much and know he is struggling to survive and it terrifies me to think that I too - like you- will have to hear the news of his passing - I hope to God not - and that he finds recovery and happiness. Please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve - it is a process, it takes time and its complicated - particularly with a sad situation like this - Everyone grieves differently and I found I had to go through the grief process back and forwards many times before I got through to the other side of managing the sadness and able to get through a day without feeling physically wounded by it. Sending lots of hugs to you
Thank you so much for the support everyone <3 I am thankful that the holidays are over and I can take some "me" time and really start processing my feelings.
