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This is something I haven't openly shared a lot and I'm not sure how to, I have tried some support groups and let me tell you how that worked out .. LOL .. it's not Alanon.
My daughter has informed me that she's choosing to transition into a man, and I'm trying to swallow a gay trans man .. let me explain. I have had the whole gay speech ready. I got this I'm open minded and accepting .. apparently .. sometimes and on my own terms .. this was seriously hard to swallow. Thankfully we have a similar sense of humor and as we sat in Starbucks I'm looking at my beautiful child wondering how in the hell I'm going to let go of the expectations that I have for her gender. Am I hung up on gender? How do I mourn the loss of the would have been's as well as my daughter. How do we have that conversation with my son? WTF am I doing?! How is her dad going to react? She is at the very beginning of her journey and I haven't begun to figure out how to start with the right pronouns and so on. Can my kid pick a harder path? Gay and trans, how in the hell do I protect my kid from my ignorance and other people's ignorance?
On top of this I got the whole I'm failing school 4 days before Christmas. She's dating a boy that I am not sure I want to get to know .. honestly I would rather vent my wrath on him because I am misplacing my anger. She called the school to work out some things for herself and her big excitement was they are going to use the right pronouns .. honestly I totally had a WTF look on my face because in my mind .. first thing first and of course me being me .. out of my mouth came if I were you the only pronouns you should be worried about is current college student or ex college student .. no job .. getting meds and so on aren't going to be easy. No job!! Since coming out though no more ticking, she seems to be actively dealing with her anxiety and over all seems happier. I'm grateful for that .. I'm still currently processing. I just feel like one thing after another keeps coming on.
We had a big discussion while the transition is totally about her (she's in the gender fluid mode at the moment, some of what she's not prepared yet to deal with), this directly affects her brother and I, she's going to have to give us time and grace. We aren't using pronouns yet because we haven't had the conversation with her brother and I told her I'm not going to worry about misspeaking at this point. She did agree however that might have been more for me than anything else.
My boyfriend has been great .. he's a good old country boy through and through and this is a lot to swallow. He's far more open minded than most and we are both stuck at the fact she wants to be with men. I figure I will loose friends over this issue and have others who will surprise me. It's easy to say well if they were your friend they will understand .. it's hard because some of these people have been a pivotal point of my healing and growth. I'm not even sure how to talk about this really.
I can't talk about it without crying, that's not self pity tears they are fear and loss. I love my kid and I don't care who s/he loves as long as they are happy, healthy, mentally and emotionally, and spiritually fit .. whatever that means to them. I am scared that this is the silent letter in the LGBT community it's gotten a stronger voice over the years however not strong enough. I am scared my kid won't be able to earn a living after school if people find out. I am scared of the discrimination s/he could face. The violence even, of course all of this is so far outside of the box .. this is like when I was pregnant with her and I aged her in my head to the age of 50 .. LOL .. nothing could have prepared me for the conversation we had a couple weeks ago. I am in the middle of mourning what I thought things were going to be like. I am watching her now .. laughing to myself .. she's my kid regardless of gender. It's just so hard right now to let go of what I thought things were suppose to be like .. I think the lessons with my X were paving the way to this discussion and my responses at the moment. She's a wonderful human being who drives me insane on a good day. I feel like I will have to get to know her again and the idea that she's going to change her name, gender and physical appearance is a little overwhelming at the moment.
Anyway, this has been on my heart and I have struggled with what's the right thing to do ..
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
That caught me relistening to my elder sponsor's (who is now in spirit) voice with "Don't React"!! and the slogan was appropriate while the trigger was my alcoholic/addict wife being disloyal to our marriage. "Don't Scream, Swear, Threaten, Yell...etc etc"? He was suggesting I respond in a way that would not be harmful to me which was upper class work in this university of the AFG. And so the lessons started and now continue how to respond to a situation in a way that could not longer harm me as Pink Chip mentioned in an earlier post..."It wasn't being done to hurt me". That wasn't her intention and it was a consequence anyway. I did all the lessons handed to me, the mental anguish of the 3C's and "She was a sick person not a bad person", "I am powerless and...." "I don't know anything about this so why should I act as if I do..."?. The Emotional anguish of learning that "I don't have to like it; only accept it for what it is." The switching of negative emotions to their positive perspective and then earning that outcome. The opposite of anger is acceptance, the opposite of resentments is forgiveness and the opposite of fear is love. I learned rocket sciences with NASA and this stuff with the fellowship of the AFG and my Higher Power. The spiritual lessons were about my intentions...how I intended that I would live and believe I should respond to others regardless of how they chose to act. The last one remains with me now...what is my spirit; how do I intend to lived my life. As a full time member of the Al-Anon Family Groups...Mahalo Piha...Thank you so much. ((((hugs))))
You are already doing the right thing which is loving your daughter no matter what kind of body she decides to reside in nor how she wants to be addressed. I understand the fear of our children choosing what we see to be very difficult paths in life. However, none of us know what the future holds. That is a beautiful and a scary thing all at the same time. I recently had the experience of getting to know a transgendered person and I have to say that I was humbled by the experience. I felt a little anxious about what I did not understand but left having great admiration for the strength and courage of an individual to seek their own personal truth despite society's judgements. Hugs to you as you help you daughter through this transition, wherever it leads to. At the end of our time we are all just trying to find our way home and with the love and support of family it just makes the journey easier.
It will not be an easy path, but far easier than continuing to try and be someone she's not. I'm not surprised to hear this. I know from talking to you, she had hinted at it before and nobody ever really questions those things like that unless they are trans. You are handling this SOOOO much better than many or even most parents. Your love and unconditional acceptance is NOT something most trans people get from their parents. I commend you amd am moved by it. While the T in LGBT is not as bonded to the community as the L and the G, we do look after and stand up for our trans people. As she navigates this, she may be is a position to help other trans people. Maybe social work would be a good career for her.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 31st of December 2017 08:29:37 AM
I should add I am looking into a PFLAG group that I'm hoping is close to my work. This is the irony of the situation for me .. I'm terrified to walk into that group .. far more than I was alanon .. with alanon I was arrogant .. I didn't need alanon .. HA HA .. that was a joke however it wasn't fear of the unknown that kept me from going. This must be what the fear for some is like going to an alanon meeting for the first time.
Pink .. my kid can't do something simple .. social work (isn't simple however makes sense) she wants to deal with dead people .. LOL .. not only that she's wanting to actually be a forensic attorney .. which would be a wicked cool combination .. it's something s/he would be capable of big time. I just hope that's what S/HE wants and not what she's morphing into because her boyfriend thinks that's what s/he should do. I do see her being a voice in that LGBT community for the community as a whole. As far as handling it well .. let's see I was in my closet crying on the phone (that was totally self pity .. LOL) thinking to myself it really is the kids fault parents drink (I know that's totally not true .. LOL) however I'm sitting there thinking why can't I just check out?! This is why people start to drink .. not to deal with reality! UGH and once again where in the hell is her FATHER?! He ALWAYS gets to check out .. drunk or sober ... totally NOT fair. Then I go seriously S .. you think that's a good idea .. that's beyond a train wreck happening!! I'm sooo getting my popcorn and bat out on that one .. first words out of his mouth and he's going to eat wood .. after I eat popcorn. You know I am truly an evil person there is a part of me that wants to poke that bear and I will leave it alone. That's not my story to tell with him. One thing I did decide after posting this out is secrecy is not going to be part of this .. well .. some of it .. when kiddo is ready then she's ready, however we are moving into a new chapter and I need to figure out how to proceed. I have been trying to have conversations with other parents however most aren't that far along in the journey and so I'm really trying to take what I can and leave the rest. I am absolutely going to do what is best for s/he however I need to do what I can handle and thank GOD for Alanon. A lot of this is not about me and s/he's got to figure it out. I am powerless over other people, places and things. I can't .. HP can and I will let HP. I miss my sponsor .. LOL! I truly do. She was so flipping hip and together. My kids father's side of the family .. sigh .. I don't see that going well .. they don't have a relationship with her and I don't see that happening .. what will truly piss me off is if all of a sudden they are reaching out to my youngest that will hurt my oldest horribly. They are just ignorant .. small town and it is what it is .. I can't change that and neither can my kid. I completely agree .. I would rather this .. find out who you are and honor that .. whatever "that" means. You are right .. she's talk about this for a LONG time however I always took it as it had to do with her dad because it became very intense after visitation and then it would go away so to speak the less contact he had with her .. so I still feel like there is something there .. and I am confused in terms of will therapy address these issues? I feel like she's got to put all this out there .. that's my been around the block with therapy attitude. I also think she needs trauma therapy .. she's bringing up some things with her dad and he may be eating wood any way if I get alone with him. I don't know if those are better to leave those memories alone or not. She hasn't brought that back up however she didn't bring this up until she went to college. So I'm still a bit of a confused mess myself and just trying to do the best I can.
There are some seriously amazing people out there and I'm grateful for that .. that's kind of the fence post I'm sitting on at the moment.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Dad is her role model for a man. And a crappy one at that. Most girls who have trauma from their dads turn to promiscuity, drugs/booze, or eating disorder. Transexuality is not something that she would have "developed" like that. My dad once said he felt bad that he "failed to teach me to be a man." He never did macho stuff with me. I didn't want to anyhow. I told my dad he taught me everything important about being a man as learned from him to work hard, be kind, sensitive, and devoted. Neither he or my mom made me gay. They did make me have values , even when I lost sight of some in my drinking. I wish my parents had said "we will love you even if you turn out to be gay" as I was coming up. But their reaction upon finding out was pretty ideal. I told them, "I have to tell you something about me and it's the worst thing ever. " Mom said "What? You're gay? That is not the worst thing ever. We just want you to be happy." So...making herself happy is her responsibility. Yours is to just love her and offer your wisdom and guidance as situations arise :)
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 31st of December 2017 12:40:03 PM
Serenity, I have already PM'd you, but I wanted to tell you that my kiddo got the best sessions from a therapist that specialized in LGBTQ issues. This may be important as she gets closer to being able to let her father and his family know about her/him.
Remember, this process does not happen overnight. I completely understand the feeling of anger(?), frustration on your EX getting to "check out" of this. Think of it this way... it probably is the best thing for your kiddo!! You are doing fine, supermom! LOL!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((Serenity))) - realistically, this is a ton of 'data overload'. Based on your share, I believe you're doing marvelous. I can't relate to what your daughter/son is feeling/living or what you are feeling/living but what I do see that is a miracle from my side of the street is open communication. Pink touched a bit on the typical experience for LGBTQ folks - and it's similar to our own experience - denial, fear, reaction, etc. How absolutely stunning that she/he feels comfortable enough with you that is sharing what she/he's feeling/wanting/needing. And - you in return are being supportive, loving and curious/understanding instead of judging or reacting in fear.
While our program that unites us is about the disease of alcoholism, it has served me well in 'all my affairs'. Lean into it and apply all that you can to what's going on and I believe what you say - God will carry you all to the other side. I'm sending hugs/prayers and positive thoughts to you all. One Day at a Time, One Moment at a Time we do 'this thing called life'. You got this!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Pink thank you .. it's not did I or her dad make her this way I did wonder if she was coping through this outlet. Logically I can tell you that isn't true .. you know it's like why does an A drink . they are an active A. It just is .. there is no rationalizing that statement. She will be seeing a counselor that specializes in trans people for lack of a better word. UGH .. this is like learning a whole new vocabulary. I know I will screw it up.
PNP .. YES .. and I would love to hand that title over because I don't feel it. Here I'm all scared I'm messing it all up .. LOL. Thanks all for being here because this is HUGE .. this is really the first time I have said it out loud in my head and verbally so it makes it more real. A little easier, however still very real.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
IAM thank you .. I really had to redirect my thought process and I guess I keep coming back to this is my kid regardless of what body s/he chooses to reside in ... it is hard for me to think about her changing her body .. you know I don't live in her body. I have been continuing to reach out to the best of my ability and hope that I continue to find information and get myself educated .. the last thing I want to do is do harm. It hurts to think she would ever think there is something she can't come to me with and thankfully she overshares by nature with me .. LOL .. there are times I wish I could have a little ignorance .. LOL. You know the whole ignorance is bliss and I'm really tired of God's wicked sense of humor .. I had the best gay talk planned every .. youtube star all over it .. LOL . sigh .. different talk will have to be planned for that. It's still lots of tears and at this point I don't want her to worry that this is the reason .. it's processing tears which are good healing tears.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
You're doing and saying what's most important as I 'see it' from here - that you love her/him unconditionally. The one gift this program gave me via my sponsor is even as the parent, I am human and imperfect at that. She told me it was 100% OK to tell my kids that I don't know exactly what I feel right now but will certainly share as more is revealed. It's been such a gift to lay down all pretenses and show my kids that's I am an equal to them too - learning as we go through this journey. Al-Anon and a great sponsor gave me the ability to say I don't know or I'm not sure and be OK with that...
We talk often about grief.....it's yet another scenario where grief is real. As long as you keep doing 'you' and trusting in a HP, you will not do harm. You might make mistakes - we all do and you're certainly in unchartered waters - but I do believe that unconditional love is a protection greater than unintentional harm all day every day. (((Hugs))) - we are here for you however best we can be.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
HUGS, Serenity! You are still an awesome mom and that's all that matters right now and I know that God's got you a path of growth with a whole lot of lessons along the way. I love what everyone has shared here, as well. Not much to add, honestly. I often wonder what my own reaction would be to this kind of revelation and I know I'd struggle but I also know that community and support groups are so easy to find these days that I truly believe I'd find peace eventually. Sending you tons of love and hugs as we start the new year. I'm always in awe of what a great mom you are to your children! They're lucky to have you!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thank you for sharing your news ((serenityrus)) Your daughter is lucky to have a mom with whom she can share her truth and receive unconditional love. continuous communication, asking questions, asking for clarity to be knowledgeable rather than ignorant I have to think will only help you dau feel you're in this together. One day at a time and keep it simple are the slogans that come to mind. Thankfully, there is family support and information available.I guess for any of us when contemplating life changing decisions, we spend time and think it through. If it's right for us, we often feel more at peace. We've honored ourselves. I hope you'll keep sharing your feelings. My wish your dau is the same as I wish for any of us in Alanon... a happy, joyous and free life. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
