The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading talks about bringing the focus back to self - as needed, often and/or always. The writer talks about times when everything the alcoholic does/did was irritating. Even things like pouring cereal was wrong in her mind. The reading shares that while it's important that we learn to recognize and protect ourselves from unacceptable behavior, that's not always what's going on.
When we catch ourselves watching and criticizing every little detail of another's behavior, the program suggests that this is a sign that something is going on within self. Maybe we have fear of an upcoming event/job review? Did something heard at a meeting stir up unresolved anger from the past? Are we acting this way due to old resentments we've not processed? Perhaps we should reach out to a program friend or sponsor to discuss.
The reminder for today --- It can be almost as hard for me to give up criticizing as it is for the alcoholic to give up drinking -- sometimes it seems so necessary! But though criticism and negative thinking can serve as a steam valve for my pain, they never solve my problems, only distract me from them. In the end, I only avoid getting to know myself.
Today's Quote --- from Mendele Mocher Seforim --- "A man can detect a speck in another's hair, but can't see the flies on his own nose."
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I have to raise my hand and confess - guilty! When I arrived at Al-Anon, my entire focus was on the A - actions, inactions, faults, attitudes, etc. I felt that the A was the center of every issue and problem in my life and was angry, hurt, sad and full of righteous indignation. I really felt deep down since I had been in 12 Step recovery that I had no faults and everything would be better/normal if only I could find the solution to make another stop drinking.
I soon came to accept I was powerless and all this negative energy within me was nothing but wasted time and exhausting. Focusing on them, the disease, the facts, the statistics - you name it, I studied it - was never going to bring about change or a solution. All I had any power over was my own self, my own attitudes, actions, reactions, responses, etc.
Those who came before me suggested I work on me, and trust a power greater than me to bring about peace in my life. Each time I found myself focused on the A or the affects of the disease, it created a process of negative thinking. It was suggested I practice prayer and program tools to redirect my thinking and focus back to me. What within me was bothered by another person doing what they want/need to do? What was it about my own ego/thinking that had me believing I knew best for another? What could I do in that moment to improve my outlook, attitude, obsession about another?
Practice, practice, and then more practice has helped me retool my own attitude in recovery. I no longer focus on all that is wrong in others or life, instead desiring to focus on what's improved/better. I live my life with an attitude of gratitude, including the pain at times as it's the pain that helps me want to change. When I am troubled, I do today lean into my program and HP to bring me back to the 'right side' of the equation.
Happy Friday to one and all - stay safe and warm - grateful for all of you in my recovery journey!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
What a great reminder for me today! When I arrived at Al-Anon, my focus was entirely on the alcoholic. I'd given up on myself, my hopes, my dreams, my goals. Thankfully, work in the program reminded me that I am a worthy person, and I do have agency. I can define what I want and go after it.
I'm struggling right now with staying out of my wife's decision making. She's got a very arthritic knee, and the doctor is willing to fill out FMLA and disability paperwork for her. She's much too young for a replacement, and there is nothing else they can do to help. She's decided to try to go back to work - a standing, climbing ladders kind of job - for 4 hours a day instead of 8. In my mind, it would be better to try to get the short term disability benefit she's been paying into for years, and then focus on applying for jobs that she can do while sitting and focusing on going to PT (as the doc suggested). I've managed not to share with her how stupid I think it is to go back to work against her doctor's advice, but I don't think I have avoided looking grumpy when she told me what her decision was, lol!
I think that's one of the hardest things for me about my AlAnon work. I can see where this decision is likely to go, and it isn't good. It is probably going to have a negative impact on her and me, but it is her decision to make, and I need to allow her the dignity of making her own decision and then living with the outcome of that decision.
I'm grateful to the program and to MIP for my program work - time to have a heart to heart with myself about what I am going to do if she gets hurt and cannot work at all, or climb the 30 steps to our front door.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
GUILTY also! I tried so hard to fix my A's multiple addictions, and all that happened was I got sicker and sicker. Couldn't see it and couldn't fix it. Thank God for Alanon. I am learning to focus on me and now it often comes as second nature instead of fix it mode. I am happier and healthier and a miracle happened-my A is sober now since April. We go to counseling together and separately. A lot has changed for the better, and I believe this only came about from program. A grateful member, Lyne
Great reminder Thanks IAH Prior to program I was "other" focused and did not even realize this. I guess I thought that I was perfect, always right and others needed me to "Fix" them- Growing up in my FOO I unknowingly developed many erroneous attitudes which the Steps,meetings as PATIENT sponsor helped me to identify and release . Keeping the focus on myself w as a challenge early on and I am forever grateful for this important tool.
Today's reading hits home for me in a big way, too. It's always easier - especially when we feel weak or powerless or frustrated - to blame and point fingers and focus on the flaws of others. OR to focus so hard on helping others (or a particular "other") - instead of working on our own issues, which can feel way too overwhelming to deal with. I think it's human nature - which we CAN change when we work on it. It takes acknowledging and facing ourselves and all our own flaws/weaknesses. We are asking our very sick, very weak A's to do this - we as "healthy"-ish people have to do it too! Painful as it is!
I got addicted to complaining about everyone and everything I could not and would not stop as that is where my power laid. The louder the better and truthfully I didn't care if I was right or wrong...I was exercising my addiction which brought me very close to the consequences the addict alcoholic suffered with her addiction. The program interfered with this addiction very well making it very hard to practice it. My sponsor and the fellowship wouldn't put up with it so I had to stop it in order to be heard rightfully. "What I was screaming about wasn't what the problem was. The problem was my dire lack of understanding. Thank God and the fellowship for the ESH of recovery. Have a great day. (((Hugs)))
Guilty here too. (I think I am figuring out this forum............?) Newly back in Al-anon and trying to get past the obsessing over the A. It seems things are going smooth for a bit then all breaks loose. I'm also looking for a sponsor to work the steps. I really miss my mind..........and peace of mind. It doesn't seem like the issue is blaming the A as much as blaming myself and angry at myself for allowing all this to get out of hand in self.........I'm so grateful for this program. So far I've been able to make the meetings every morning for a week I think? But, just going to meetings aren't the same as working the program. I know there is peace and serenity by working it.......just lost my way on how to get back there
Have a good day!
Welcome to MIP Tude - glad to have you and glad that you joined right in! Glad to hear that you are newly back into the program - and totally agree - there is peace and serenity to be had when we work it. You'll fit right in here and we're a friendly family - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
