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So, my daughter is 7 y/o, her father and I (friendly) divorced 2 -1/2 yrs ago. He had 50% custody, was generally a good man and good dad, but increased alcohol issues, and several times he passed out while he was watching her, and she couldn't wake him up. Then 1-1/2 yrs. ago he passed away suddenly from alcohol OD & complications. She was with me when I found him in his house (she was waiting in the car with my BF, luckily). So that was traumatic for her (and life changing for all of us)!
That day she told my BF he would have to be her new daddy, he loves her and he moved in with us last October (little over a year ago). He's an Alcoholic - worse than her father was. He doesn't drink much around her. But sometimes he does. He doesn't drive, so we have to pick him up from work (she has to come with). He's supposed to get done at 9:30p or 10pm, but will hang out at the bar across the street from work until 10:30 - 11p at night until I threaten to not come get him at all. keeping her up late. She fell asleep at school and the nurse had to call me one day. He's never cruel to her, but he throws little tantrums when she's not paying enough attention to him when he's drunk. He's trying to play and hug her and tickle her and he reeks of booze and is annoying (not inappropriate though). I'm always there watching to make sure she's OK, but I know it upsets her at times...
Is it better to have a drunk stepdad who loves her and is mostly sober around her? Or better to have him as a family friend (or nothing)...? She loves him 90% of the time. But she has to protect his feelings and make him feel better rather than the other way around. But he does fill in some of the gaps left by her real dad in good ways, too... ???? Thanks for listening!
My experience is that it is better not to have an alcoholic in the family at all. They cannot respond appropriately to anyone, and the self-absorption is especially hard on a kid. Not to mention the embarrassing behavior (the kid can't have friends over because the A could be drunk, feels embarrassed to mention home life at school, etc. etc.) One thing to remember is that you are teaching your daughter what an adult relationship looks like. When she grows up, she will feel that sense of familiarity that tells her this is "right." Would you prefer her to be in a relationship with an A like yours, or in a relationship with a sober person? Another things kids learn is how to handle problems. Right now she sees that one adult in her life handles problems by drinking. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?
I think there's a reason that there's a special organization to give support and healing to adults who grew up with an alcoholic parent (Adult Children of Alcoholics).
Do you have a meeting? Maybe a sponsor? Nobody should have to go through this alone. The best model you can be for your daughter is someone who gets the support she deserves. It's also important for us to find out why we tend to pick alcoholics over and over, so we can open the way to the healthier relationships.
Mattie's share is so true! I stayed for my son (7 years ago), but my spouse did not stay clean. I had no idea my child was as affected by his father's drinking as he was! I thought I was such a good little manager! NOT! Now son and I are trying to pick up the pieces and are in therapy. My vote is no alcoholic in the house!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I am the child of two parents who were mostly functional heavy drinkers. I can share some of what it was like growing up in their home. Take what you think might be relevant ane remember this is my experience everyone has a different one.
There was a lot of drama in our lives and fighting between them. They were also sometimes in very good moods (drunk - I later realised) and very, very bad moods (hung over or regretful - I later came to believe). My parents were volatile and unpredictable so I didn't know what I was going to get on a given day. Sometimes it was warm and almost inappropriately close and other times it was anger, rage and violence.
I never learned to feel unconditionally loved and mostly I just felt like I was secondary to my parents drama, moods and fighting. I never learned to trust what I was thinking because I didn't put the alcohol piece in place until much later. I thought that things that I was doing was causing their good and bad moods. I tried to change my behaviour to put them in a better mood.
Overall even though my parents were always functional amd did love me, and I did well at school and seemed like a happy girl, I learned a pattern of relatimg to others that was based on drama, instability and volatility. I learned a high tolerance for violence and fighting.
I now find myself in a relationship with a volatile, addicted man. Like my parents he has sweet moments. For the last four years of our marriage I played out our old game of drama, instability and volatility. I tried out my old tools of control and manipulation and changing myself to help him "feel better."
In short, even though we looked very functional, my parents were not able to focus on my needs because of the alcohol and fighting in our home. They were not focused on me not becuase they didn't love me, but because there was a lot of drama in thier life. The alcohol changed their moods and made them volatile and frightening. Even though my parents denied and deny to this day that i was affected by their behaviour, I now have the responsibility of sorting through what I learned in their home in a way that will hopefully enable me to pass on healthier patterns to my son.
I stayed in my marriage as it was the right choice for me. Did my children experience situations and events that were 'less than healthy'? Sure. I can't assess if it would have been better to leave as that's not the choice I made. My AH has a daughter from his first marriage, and when they divorced, he completely ignored her and wasn't allowed to be around her. She is way more damaged than my boys as she feels disposed, unloved, forgotten and more. This was one of many factors I considered - had we not been married, and not had children, I am certain my facts and choices would have been different.
There is no right/wrong answers - which is the grace of recovery. We each get to find our way to our truth and our needs. There is no doubt that living with this disease and loving one who has it is hard and life changing. But I also know now because of recovery that my own distorted thoughts, expectations and thinking made it all much worse as well.
I believe we would all prefer a functional home to raise children in. Unfortunately, there is no such thing. Certainly some are worse than others. For me, working this program, owning my part, working on me and my own recovery/defects helped get to a solution that worked for me/us. Keep coming back, lean into the program and the answers that are best for you will be revealed.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all with all my heart! Everyone has really good points and I appreciate them all - sincerely! My mom grew up with a severe alcoholic dad (kids had to hide in their rooms when he came home drunk, he punched walls, beat up the oldest son when he tried to protect mom, etc.). He was sober and great by the time I was born, but it took him over 20 yrs. to get there. I see a lot of issues in her siblings because of it... But, they are mostly good functional people... Thank you all for your help! And I will go to a meeting! :)
OK - another thing I'm wondering - very much need info. on this:
How can I help my daughter to deal with/understand/heal/etc. her father's Alcoholism (brief but fatal) and my ABF, and what can I do for her right now? She is a pretty alert and understanding 7 year old. Very emotionally empathetic, and seems to be aware of much more than I'd like... But I've tried to be very honest and open with her about everything (leaving out some of the gory details), but... Any resources for young kids? too young for Alateen, but old enough to have LOTS of confusion, questions, etc... ??
Some communities do have an alaa tot program Please check with your local alanion inter group office If not, your recovery and new tools will reflect a huge change and she will be the beneficiary of your new found recovery
Steph - My son was seeing his own therapist, and when I told her, she began to incorporate her addiction/codependency specialization to his sessions. He is a teen, but refused to try Ala-Teen.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
