The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My spouse's nephew has hosted Xmas Eve for the last 5 years since this side of the family couldn't bear to get together on Xmas Day (since his mother died on Christmas Day). It is a wonderful get together... great food & watching the young kids open presents is so fun! However, with all that was going on with my spouse and myself, I figured they would not invite us.
How wrong I was! They invited my son and I, and we had a great time! I was able to save some money the last 3 months so that we could bring gifts for the kids. I made sure to tag them with my spouse's name too... I mean, why not? What harm would it do to me? None. It made me feel good that he was able to be represented even though he could not physically be there, or could not provide presents on his own.
I had to admit, I felt some nerves right before I walked in the door, and I had to work very hard on keeping the tears at bay the first 20 minutes or so, but everyone was so loving that I soon forgot the sadness. Funny thing, after a couple hours, I realized that this was not even different than last year! Last year my AH did not go to this event - I had to say he wasn't feeling well - which was entirely true, but I was hiding it was because of alcohol. My bad, I know.
On the drive home I thought, "Perhaps they believe that I am not the 'bad guy'... I can't be sure, but it sure felt like they accepted that their family member and I have to move forward separately.
Today I was reading an article about the up-coming movie, "A Wrinkle in Time," and I came across this quote from the young star, and I began bawling...it seems that my need to please everyone causes so much guilt for me! This relates to last night's event because I had such guilt... I can't please them, my spouse, and myself at the same time in this situation.
Reid, who grew up in Atlanta, seems to understand fundamentally the character shes playing. For her, the movie is about knowing that youre going to go through dark spaces in your life. Youre not going to be perfect, but the most important thing is not trying to please anybody. Its loving yourself inside out.
I thought through my tears... she "gets it"... why is it so hard for me?
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I was just writing about my lack of know-how with accepting and loving myself as I am, and your post seems to speak of the same. The fellowship helps me with this a LOT, I come to see. I fear rejection and people from Alanon never reject me, no matter what I've done or said, and as I unburden myself, sharing something I really don't like about myself and are ashamed about in a meeting, and I'm accepted, I accept myself a bit more each time, and its such a relief. I still people-please, but not as much or as often as I used to, that's progress. :)
Aline, I think that is why I post here, talk with my sponsor and others in meetings... I too feel the fellowship... and it helps me to see that I am not a bad person... just someone trying to climb her way out of the quagmire of living with an addictive loved one!
Congrats on making progress with the people-pleasing!!! It is a hard 'habit' to break, so good on you!!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
PnP - hey....awesome news to hear about your Christmas evening.....Your post reminded me of times when I too was fearful walking into an event because of a variety of things but mostly because change and how we as humans handle/adapt/react/respond to it. What I came to understand about me is the longer I work recovery for me and on me, the more I see I am just another imperfect human doing my best as is all others around me. It just goes to show me that even when I think I know what's going to 'be' I can be so, so wrong. Letting go, staying present with an open mind and heart has shown me in recovery that people like me for me - not because of who I am mother of, married to, daughter of, etc. This was a slow process for me but it's affirmed each day I wake up, choose recovery, and just roll with what is.
Aline & PnP - I also feel the love in every meeting I attend and each time I reach out to my sponsor or a fellowship friend. We all have different stories, are different ages, different views, lives, careers, etc. yet our common bond is a real desire to live differently and find serenity. I have always been amazed that each and every meeting I go to or fellowship event, I leave feeling more peace than when I arrived - even if/when I'm in a great space to start. Talk about the magic/miracle of recovery - it's almost beyond words and it gives me great gratitude.
Merry Christmas to you and all - the reason for the season is love, peace and acceptance. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This was our 2nd Christmas with ABF living with us (myself and 7 y.o. daugther). Last year was OK, but this year he was drunk from the night before Christmas eve all through Christmas day. Woke up Christmas day still drunk and then had 4 more shots within an hour and a half. He's not violent or mean in front of daughter, but awkward, obnoxious, saying mean things, throwing little tantrums - made us very uncomfortable. She knows what's going on - she knows he drinks too much and she can tell without me even hinting (her daddy is in Heaven - died suddenly a year and a half ago from Alcohol OD/complications himself).
Yesterday, I had to leave to bring her to her aunt's on her dad's side . then I was supposed to go with ABF to his family's Christmas (2.5 hour drive) - going to carpool with his Dad. ABF was passed out before I even left to bring daughter to aunt's (at 10:00am). I was SO angry - I texted BF to tell him I'm not going. I just drove around for 5 hours by myself on Christmas day... Then I got home and he was still there (never went with his dad - never even talked to him - I had to explain to his dad, and I told the truth). ABF was still drunk and still doing shots, then would take a nap, get up throw a tantrum, throwing stuff all over. Then repeat...
I was spoiled by relatively peaceful (or at least sober) Christmases growing up, too. I hate most that my daugther's Christmas was emotionally upsetting, and not as good as it should've been, and I'm angry about mine, too. I'm trying to learn how not to enable him - but I still have no idea how to live and grow healthy and happy - and most of all help my daughter do the same - while he is doing this... He sobered up and apologized this morning, but I don't know where to go from here. It's really affecting both my daugther and myself. Ugh - Thank you for listening!
Hi Steph Welcome once again Alcoholism is a dreadful. progressive chronic disease over which we are powerless. Alanon is a program established for family members since we are all infected by the insanity of the disease. face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. Please search them out as they provided me with the the tools and support that I needed to rebuild m self esteem and life. Keep coming back here as well-- You are not alone.
(((Steph))) So sorry that your and your child's Christmas was affected by this disease.
Keep reading and posting. MIP is a wonderful support system. Seek out an Al-Anon group and try and attend. I don't think you will be sorry you did!
Peace to you today!
PNP
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you so much PNP! It means a lot to have people who have been through the same (and MUCH worse) to talk with about it, who won't judge or just tell me to leave... I'm shy and am thinking about going to meetings but haven't got the nerve yet... I know I will eventually , but this is a really nice, way to ease into it - thank you SO much for helping!
My bad, I know.