The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We spent the weekend apart, I went to visit some friends in a town where we used to live. While I was away I missed him. I thought that there would be quiet and peace and I would be so relieved to be finally away from him, but I missed him, and when I came back I felt so warm towards him. I still want him to enter treatment and get out of the home for the next few months, maybe 6 months, 9 months or even a year. But maybe I have new hope there is something underneath my frantic panic and coping strategies that might be possible to revive after his treatment.
I don't know.
I feel a lot of fear and disappointment in myself that I seem to have "changed my mind" - it seems like it would be so much easier from a certain perspective to just hate him and move on. I almost wish he was more hateworthy - but he is a sick broken man who underneath all of the sickness is a good soul and I really feel that we have a strong and special connection.
And funnily enough - the detachment that has come with the decision to separate has introduced a new civility and politeness in our home. We are both acting a lot more like grown ups. He has been "scared straight" as he puts it and has put down the addictions temporarily - but we both know that if he doesn't ride this wave into program and treatment it can't last. It's only a temporary repreive and this is a chronic, progressive disease as you all keep saying and I am learning it is true.
I have a hard time accepting my own reality. I feel like I should be more decided. I beat myself up for this indecision and "softness."
My mother never left my abusive father and never defended me from the abuse. I am terrified of doing the same. But he isn't my father, my father never even considered recovery.
I truly wish there was an easier way.
I am so afraid. I am finding it so hard to feel and love myself in this. Either I am 100% I hate him and he is evil and I am out of here or I become soft, remember what I love about and go back into the old denial and managing and trying to change our situation. I just want to face reality and live life in that reality with my Higher Power to help me so that I don't need to pretend things are different.
(((Annie))) - Merry Christmas to you and yours. I hear you and can relate to your post. I believe if you keep working to focus on you and your recovery, the answers will come. I know they have for me, and we are all vastly different people - there is no shame in leaving and there is no shame in staying. Life is not easy and is even more difficult with this disease ever present.
One Day at a Time - you got this! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((Anne) alanon suggests that we make no major decisions until we are in program for at least 6 months The reason for this is that when we begin to use alanon principles and tools our attitudes change and we begin to see. Be gentle with yourself, live one day at a time and trust the process .
Hotrod, that sounds wise. It is going to be a major change with my husband going into rehab, and I am not able to change that nor would I desire to. I am clear that he needs a lot more help than he is getting. But I think that maybe how I can apply that principle might be to hold off deciding what is going to happen with "us" until I have 6 months of program under my belt. His program is a six month + one (it's combined rehab and sober living) so I will definitely have plenty of time to think things through and focus on myself.
Annie, I can relate to a lot of the feelings you've shared. I too embraced not making any major decisions for a while and I found it was a good way to go... As folks here sometimes reminded me, you'll know when you'll know, and that was true for me. What I see in this program is that things get better when I'm working it, and the feeble hope of the last straw kind I felt when I first found Alanon has grown into a bigger hope of a more stable kind. Its good to have you here, keep coming back :)
One day at a time really does work. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way