The material presented
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This is a truism that keeps coming back to me in cycles throughout my recovery. I get so caught up in what is going on around me in my job, personal life and other areas (mostly job these days), that I forget none of my hardships are really things being done "to" me so that I can suffer. None of my challenges are personal obstacles devised by God just to make me have it difficult. I tend to forget this when in the middle of conflict and resentment. I really tend to forget it when the world is forcing me to learn, grow, and change and I am resistant. In other words, I suffer when I am imposing my will and going with God's.
I used to think God cursed me by making me gay. Then I thought I was cursed again with mental health problems (depression and anxiety), then cursed again with alcoholism, then cursed again with a horrible, dramatic long relationship with another alcoholic where we just got worse and worse together. Even after my sobriety, and alanon too, I fall into patterns of struggle and resentment where I get so ANGRY that other people are treating me a certain way or that events have occurred in a way that I don't like. I fight, I act out, I resist the need to grow and change. I act willful. Then guess what happens? I suffer.
BUT - Instead of being an eternal sufferer now, what my program has given me is clarity and a way out. When I am done suffering, I know what to do. I work the steps on my problems. I reach out. I use my sponsor. God made me Gay so I could come out and be strong. He made me gay so I could help others. God gave me challenges with depression and anxiety so I could be a better counselor and help other people recover. God made me alcoholic so I could recover and help others with the same problem. God gave me that relationship (an all my relationships) to learn and grow from. The relationship I had with my ex-A was for me to learn boundaries. It was for me to recognize when I lose myself completely in another person and have nothing left to give myself. It was done FOR me, not TO me in order for me to learn the difference between a healthy love and an unhealthy one.
The problems I have been having at work are shockingly also being done FOR me. I have challenges because I need to be continuously humbled. I work in recovery, but I am not recovery king. I don't get to stop working on myself because I'm sober and there is no active alcoholic qualifier in my life. I constantly need to take in information for the purpose of self-improvement and enlightenment. I used to argue a lot on these board, and in other places. I let myself get treated like garbage in my drinking and when with the ex-A. For a good while into my program, the pendulum swung to "nobody gets to treat me in a way I don't like!" Umm...people can and are going to treat me however they want and I have no control over it. What's in it FOR me when other people treat me in ways I don't like. Hrm...opportunities to handle myself with dignity, maturity, and wisdom. Am I good at that? Not really. That's why I need a program to continue to remind me to live along spiritual lines. I need to be humble. I always need to learn. I am always a student more than a teacher.
For this moment - in this day, I am not asking or demanding from God, "Why is this happening to me???!!" It is all so I can be who I am today and a better me tomorrow.
So....if you feel like you are stuck in a really crappy spot right now. If you are new to the program.... Hang on. Your hardships will become your triumphs if you let them. If you feel you are suffering now, it is so you will grow and not suffer the same way again later. Have faith and let others help you.
((Mark)) Thanks What a truly powerful share this Christmas Eve!!!! I think i heard a great deal of the important tool of "Acceptance" in your share I know when I finally reached "acceptance" in my recovery journey, my entire life seemed to fall into place. The anger at HP and FOO as well as my self pity and resentment because I could not have it my way lifted and I was able to see the importance of the lessons learned and the humility developed during the difficult times. I also like how you pointed out that reaching out for help from others is extremely important I am so pleased I found the courage to do this as it made all the difference to my recovery. Thanks again for sharing the journey.
I am heading for some of the subtleties and nuances of recovery-I did not move naturally and calmly from childhood to beyond... and did not learn to let go and move on as required. So your heading makes complete sense. But now I understand that these changes do not take place alone. We need others... ... thanks M8. -D.
Some smarty is going to think- time alone is really healthy and we should relish that! Sure.... But we are no longer 'my way or the doorway' thinkers any more... separateness and deep sensitive connectedness are both possible- and compatible... ...
I believe that program promotes a happy medium between spending time with prayer and meditation alone and sharing time with others as we learn to grow spiritually and support each other in the process. Learning how to grow together by connecting at meetings, and one on one in a sponsor/sponsee relationship provided me with tools to know how to walk side by side with another without being a care taker or giving advise. Thank you alanon
Great share Mark - thank you for your ESH. I do agree - when 'life' is in your face, it's hard to remember it's not to or at me but for me! Love this and love the grace recovery gives us. I believe I am closer to balance when I am working my program and working along the spiritual axiom. It feels good to have choices on whom I spend time with and how I approach it. Keeping my expectations low always helps to better enjoy the moment!
Merry Christmas to all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for this share and ESH. Similarly, I was once told to replace "why me" with "what for". Growing pains don't generally feel good at the time, but it does feel good to grow... if that makes sense
Embracing instead of resisting is a battle I am working on as well. I needed this share and thanks for your strengths! Acceptance and vulnerability are big for my growth and balance. Thank you!!!!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you for that share. It truly is the power of the program and higher power at work when we can step back from ourselves and see all of the difficulities and challenges as opportunities to grow. It sounds trite but I believe it really is one of the many gifts of recovery.
pinkchip - that was beautiful and powerful and so true! You seem so strong and I fully agree with what you're saying! Humility is one of my weak points, and I am just recently learning this same lesson. I'm not smarter than God (duh!), so why do I think I can get around these challenges without actually learning anything? And, why would I WANT to? Here's to getting stronger by admitting weakness, and being patient in the lessons! Thank you for sharing that - Seriously!!
Steph, you got it -- "getting stronger by admitting weakness." That awareness and acceptance is Step 1. When our muscles are weak or injured, we can go to the gym or see a physical therapist and work out. When our spirit is weak or injured, we can go to Al-Anon and work out there, and keep practicing between meetings. A coach (sponsor) can really help, too.
I am still struggling HARD at work. The company I worked for went belly up after a year of moving me around to try to save various sites. I got out and new job is a bad fit after I wanted so bad to just have stability. It sucks. It is painful. BUT...I am going to persevere and learn some stuff to help me even though it feels horrid right now. That has been the case every time I struggle....growing pains.
So sorry Mark - I used to allow my job/career to consume me and boy....it did. I was reminded by my sponsor that it is just a job and would not be my last one and may not be my worst one. I tended to tie my self-worth and esteem to my job and like life, we truly are just a cog in the wheel. I so agree with Betty - one day at a time...take good care of you - hang in there!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Mark/Pinkchip - seems like you're VERY in tune with what's going on inside and outside. God bless in your difficulty, but no doubt whatsoever that you will come out of it better than you went in. You've made it through worse (I'm guessing), and you can do this.
Thank you Mark for sharing this. I am going to show it to my son. He often asks "WHY" he has to suffer and why mental illness is a part of his life. You always bring some clarity into my life just when we need it! HUGS!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thanks for the memories Mark...these are what came on this recovery journey as I faced the insanity as a newbie...now I am very grateful for those newbie days and the un-forgetful lessons learned some simple some hard. I was a ragger and use to yell, scream and hit, punch, kick, throw stuff and once started I would not stop. My alcoholism counselor at the VA asked me..."Do you still know how to tantrum"? which caught me unawares "Do you still remember how you did it as a kid"? and I answered "yes"..."Give me a demo" he asked and fearing I would loose a good lesson I did the best I could remember and when I was done he said, "What I want you to do the next time you feel powerless and attacked is to find a safe place and allow yourself 15 seconds to tantrum...like that". He explained the benefits mind, body, spirit and emotions of a tantrum and I became willing. He also set a boundary with me, "If you ever get angry in this office I want an agreement that you never attack me"...that one made me weep because it came from a very trusted helper in my recovery. I still have the permission to tantrum however there is much more space and grace between the trigger and the explosion for which I am eternally grateful.
I love this share from you it has all of the tools of recovery. Mahalo. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 28th of December 2017 10:35:02 PM
"For this moment - in this day, I am not asking or demanding from God, "Why is this happening to me???!!" It is all so I can be who I am today and a better me tomorrow....."
I don't know if it is true for you, but often, when I re-read my own posts... what my sponsor had always told me seems obviously true; she said that whatever I'm suggesting to others, is the medicine I'm needing most. why should I be surprised that God is so efficient, LOL
For me... your post is about COURAGE, one of the principles and part of the character God tries to build and recover in me. If I am a child of God, as such, shouldn't I be acting like a lion of courage.... and not some squeaking mouse.... scrambling around in restless fear, fear, fear.... reacting and over-reacting.... but definitely CONTROLLED by the world outside of me.
this cannot be not God's will for me.
Thank you for that reminder. I'm going to go out today and practice courage. Either I absolutely trust the One running the entire universe....... or I don't.
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 29th of December 2017 01:49:16 PM
I got fired today...and you know what? Whatever! I hated that job anyhow. It's all good...or it will be. This honestly feels better than trying to fit someplace I don't.
(((Pink))) - I'm also sending positive vibes, thoughts and prayers your way. You are talented and will land in a job that fits better. Breathe and take good care of you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I got fired today...and you know what? Whatever! I hated that job anyhow. It's all good...or it will be. This honestly feels better than trying to fit someplace I don't.
Proof that HP has a sense of humor (and especially a sense of timing!) I find it interesting how there are times when we're in a hurry for something to happen and God makes us wait, and other times we put something off and he will boot us through the door.
PC, the title you chose to give this topic resonates so much with me. The therapist I've been working with most recently pointed out that much of the language I had been using reflected a victim mentality that remained alive and well inside me, despite having been in recovery since 2000 and in program since 2010. In retrospect, I believe that was HP telling me that I have been successful in coming out of denial over what had been done "to" me (which is valid for childhood wounding), that I have taken ownership of the anger over that - but today it's time for me to address the "now what?" and start re-framing my self-talk so that I can move forward and grow.
And I can tell a difference as a result of that altered vocabulary. I have become more confident at work (I'm also in the "rehab" business, but as an OT in a geriatric setting), and HP has placed me in a nurturing, team-oriented environment in which I'm able to flourish and thrive. Away from work, my relationship with my GF has improved because I don't live in constant fear of abandonment as has been my life's history, even though life took her a significant distance away a few months ago.
Pink, you have consistently shown us an example of what it's really like to work a program, including the struggles, dead ends, times of doubt, and dark nights of the soul, which, to me, is more valuable than pie in the sky. I can identify with your shares because working a program is DAMN TOUGH - but not as tough (or as empty) as life before program was.
Keep on working it, keep trusting HP's process and timing, and keep courageously sharing!
Thanks all. I just knew instinctively that the pity pot was not a place I could stay right now. Alanon taught me that when bad stuff happens to me, pick myself up (with help from others in recovery) and look towards self-care. Drowning in misery is not self-care. I can feel sad and hurt, but it quickly goes to "Now, how am I gonna take care of myself?"
Pink - your post reminded me that faith without works is 'dead'....love that you see and accept faith alone will not employ you - action is also required. You got this!!! Positive thoughts and prayers continue!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Well, the advice I was given when I got fired back in November was, "When one door closes, another one opens....." And, for a while, I didn't want to believe it. I didn't sit on the pity pot long, either, and I'm glad you are determined to take action and do what needs to be done to dust yourself off and get back at it to job search once again. I know the feeling and can relate completely, but I also know that I'm so grateful I had some time to think and just clear my mind, despite the fact that I was unemployed. Plus, you have a wonderful partner to support you!!! That always helps take the sting out of things, as well! HUGS! Best of luck to you in the job search and remember to take care of you!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
... thanks M8. -D. 
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