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He's come home drunk. Having been in a fight. He's pretty beaten up - should probably go to hospital but he's aggressive with me and has gone to bed so not my problem. I've messaged him saying we need to break up. I feel bad having to message but in the last week I haven't seen him sober so it's my only way of communication. I've told his mum. I'm hoping they're going to come down and remove him from my flat.
They say when you know, you know. I'm not sure I still know that. i'm still scared of a future alone but I'm worried the police will be round to take him away and I don't need that stress. This is my breaking point. I'm broken now.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
(((MizzB)))
I have been there, so know exactly how you are feeling. Sending you cyber hugs, light and love, and support.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
In support MizzB. It sounds like you are ready and comfortable with your decision and so when I was there also what was left was following thru on it. I got a new apartment and a fish tank with several critters I could take care of and which would be grateful for it and wouldn't cause much problems other then occasional splashes. It worked out well. On a daily basis I had to recommit to my new life style and be careful of relapses in mind, body, spirit and emotions.....You go girl...prayers and best thoughts. (((hugs)))
Hey PNP, lovely to hear from you again. Thank you. I know you came out the other side. How are things?
I think my biggest problems are the mental energy it takes to reimagine life alone again. I have so little energy at the moment I can barely form a full sentence at work! Being alone again will be hard. And there's a lot of fear about being able to cope with everything. And partly that has come from such a severe relapse and constantly believing that he says it will be ok. When it's not. The cycle of getting sober and talking about all the help he will get only for him to be drinking the next day and not doing anything he says have drained me. I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I'm so tired.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
I have been there very recently too so I empathise with you. I had to call the police as my ABF refused to leave after I had finally had enough of the daily drinking and lying - and after one month of him not looking for somewhere else and getting pretty much drunk each day he finally got really wasted one night and became really aggressive. My 19 year old son in the end insisted on calling the police that night and they removed him and took him to a motel. It is now almost one month that I have been single and I feel so much more lighthearted and happy. I find that reading all these ESH is so helpful and I now realise what a mess my life was in. Now I can come home from work and relax, enjoy my house and space, and most importantly my son is so much happier. A real goofball again which I really missed, he's singing in the shower, sharing his stuff he is learning at uni, chatting away, helping with dinners and generally so much more relaxed and happy. I know its not for everyone to leave their alcoholic partners and when I read posts I understand many people choose to stay, but for me - it was absolutely the right decision. My family and friends all say that it was instantaneous the positive change in me when he left. Whatever you decide to do - I wish you all the very best (((MizzB)))
THank you Jerry and thank you Lou. I've spent the last 20 minutes on the phone to his mum. She's coming down tomorrow to help me with him. i think he probably needs to go to hospital for the injuries to his face but I'm not going to push it. She will. I hate asking his mum. She's in her 60s and isn't very well but I won't cover for him and I won't protect him. This is my way of getting support. And now I will take one day at a time and see how that goes. One minute. Then one hour and then one day and I will build myself back up and be me again. And I think I can get my mum to help out with the dog in the short term - I have parents evenings in Feb which I don't think I'll have time to get Mabel happy with a dog walker before then (she takes her time getting to know people). And if I can't. Well, this isn't one day at a time thinking it is! I'm rihgt in the middle of the emotions at the moment so my thoughts are flying everywhere. I need to focus on just slowing down. Being me. Getting through. Making Sure Mabes is ok. I don't think any of this will be easy. But easier than living with an alcoholic? I hope so.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
(((MizzB))) - only you can decide if being 'alone' is better/worse that the current state of affairs. It does stink that this has all 'raised up' when you are so, so busy and have depended on him with the pup. What I have learned in recovery is I don't have to be alone and I don't have to be lonely. These are vastly different yet I am empowered to choose how I live, how I socialize, how I chill and how I feel.
FEAR for me = False Evidence Appearing Real. Put you first, make the best choices you can (which you have) with the facts you have and just trust the process and the program. I really thought it would break my heart into a million pieces to drive my A son to a homeless shelter and it hurt worse than anything. Yet, much like what Lou says - in a few days, I found myself feeling lighter and way less tense, nervous, stressed, anxious, etc. This was with very little recovery yet I had to remove him or there was going to be someone hurt - he or me...
So - if you can, stay in the here/now. Accept your choice and try to take one day at a time. Perhaps get a God box and throw all the fleeting thoughts in your mind into it....just a suggestion.
Keep coming back - I totally understand where you are and this too will pass!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
By the way I also have a very dependent dog which we rescued together but my ABF spent most of his time with as he didnt really work where I was working most days. Jasper my dog is extremely fearful especially of new people and I was so worried about how I was going to care for him while working. The funny thing is Jasper is actually fine and as everyone says here I just take one day at a time to ensure I try and not get stressed about the future, not even the next day. I wake up every morning now at 5:00 and walk both Jasper and my cat (ha) around the park and then go to work depending on my shifts. Then back home and another big walk - generally around one of the beautiful parks around here or the beach. After being initially so stressed I now realise that this part that I was so worried about has been a big part of my recovery. I struggled initially with having and letting go to a higher power - being a person who definitely was not spiritual at all - I now realise that my higher power is in nature and the beautiful world I live in. Everyday when I am walking I get to see the sun come up, the birds singing and I love this part of my day. Each day when I walk I let go and let God (someone said I could use Good Orderly Direction for this word) and take each day at a time. Jasper seems very happy and interestingly my ABF hasnt contacted me at all to enquire about how he is - one month on......
I did the same thing Jerry did, sorta....when i had had enough pain, i had enough...and i was outta there....the first thing I did when I got my little flat/cottage was get a kitty and then I rescued a lab puppy....I had found love!!! my pets gave me so much unconditional love...and yea, I had to keep reminding myself that I was on the right track and keep up the "taking care of me" as EX AH#1 would come over and try to woo me back....I was done...I didn't even come to the door and finally I told him that if he didn't stay away, i would call the cops each time...he finally got the message and stayed away.....
I did the same thing Jerry did, sorta....when i had had enough pain, i had enough...and i was outta there....the first thing I did when I got my little flat/cottage was get a kitty and then I rescued a lab puppy....I had found love!!! my pets gave me so much unconditional love...and yea, I had to keep reminding myself that I was on the right track and keep up the "taking care of me" When i would get "tempted" to goof up again, I would think 'would I want this for my kids??" and I get "real" real quick..It came down to my asking myself..."Do I want to be in this place (with him and the chaos) in 5 years????" the thought of it made me cringe...Single life can be hard, but NOTHING compared to what I was living with..I was alone, anyway, being with an alcoholic, so why not be alone and at PEACE??? Just saying
Wow MizzB I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I just wanted to let you know I am in a really similar situation and really identify with what you wrote. I am also terrified of the prospect of being alone. I have a lot of fears about being alone or never meeting someone. Or worse - marrying another addict! The FEAR = false evidence appearing real helps me to remember that my fears are probably not real. I don't need to deal with every single negative thought I have. I don't even know what it going to happen tomorrow, so I probably am not accurately predicting the future.
I wanted to say I also really resonate with what you said about not having the mental energy to think of a different future. I totally get that. It can be totally overwhelming. What I have been doing is taking everything bite by bite. So for the next few weeks we are staying in the same house. Then my mother is coming and he will be leaving. Then I am going to visit family for a few weeks. After that already I will have to make decisions about renting my own place or staying in the home we have now, and what will happen with childcare and all that - but I am not trying to work it out all at once. Just dealing with the decisions that need to be made today, then those which need to be made tomorrow and so on.
AnnieFenk: Nice post...Like what you said about the FEAR and taking everything bite by bite...sometimes in any situation, it is bite by bite........Nice share, Glad you are here
