I have been doing lots of self care, since 9 days today that the alcoholic assaulted me and forced out the house. I must say life has been bliss, just love the quite and sanity. No more drunkenness and meanness and angry outburst at me, no more listening to madness, talking to self and having endless discussion with himself as if someone really is there. I am feeling happy, relief! I deserve this and I continue to have thoughts about where he could be at. Its non of my business, where he may be, he is most likely driving who ever he is with completely nuts! He did with me. A cat does not change his stripes over night! I have to keep remembering that. He is going to do what he is going to do. Its not of my business. It becomes my business only if he comes into my space.

Court is Wednesday, I will not be attending. I do not under any circumstances want to see him or hear from him. When I say I am done, I mean it. I still feel angry. I do not want him anywhere near me. End of story, even if he is sober. I will never trust him again. I am still at that place of I am done! Will It change, I do not know, but for today, I am still done. I do not want him around me even if he gets treatment for his alcoholism. I have been with him for 3 months sobriety at times and he just goes back to drinking. I do not believe he will change. I am certain, the alcohol will kill him but I can not stop that from happening. I have given up on trying to help him, and being there and all he does is abuse me, beat me! I am done! 

I have been thinking, what are my options if he is allowed to come home: One is to move out and get my own place, get an emergency protection order, a restraining order or get exclusive order to live in the house through a court order. I still have title on the house and that matter has not been addressed. I did go to the bank and talk to them about if he should die, what would happen and I was told I would get the full title of the house since I have title on the house. I have been researching all my options so I am prepared to take action if I need to. I was thinking if he was to come home I just can not be around him, or be in the same house as him. NO, No. I do not trust he will abuse me again. I know it, as he is a very, very angry person and blames everyone for his issues and what has happened in his life. I still fear him a lot! I am still very scared of him, and fear he will kill me if he ever can get a hold of me! He is very, very unstable and will kill me as I called the police and he has been charged! This fear is still deep within me. He has made threats in the past to smash me through the kitchen window and he has broken the basement door to get to me, and at that time, I was so scared he would beat me! He blames me for all the bad things that have happened to him and I am to pay! And the fact that he has a criminal record for violence in the past would put me in the path of danger if he ever is allowed back in my space! A sick person is a sick person and will not change unless he gets a lot of help, and he is very resistant to change as he does not see his has a problem but instead its everyone else and the world that is wrong, not him. He is the good guy, the victim, he has done nothing wrong! 

I am trying to keep focused on today and just let things go, let things unfold as it should. We have no idea what the future brings. However, today, my mind is racing and I have to get focused on today only! 

I am just so grateful, grateful that I have quite and sanity in the house. I have done all I can, I called the crown prosecutor office and ask them to keep the current order in place of no contact or coming to the house and they did assure me they would maintain the order till court is over. I have to let go of the results. I have done the footwork. I have done all I can to protect myself and my daughter and now its up to god what the outcome will be. I assume he is still drinking and I can do nothing about it. I find its impossible for someone to quit drinking just like that, without help. He was drinking everyday and going crazy and crazy more and more and has become insane beyond insane. I can not do anything but keep myself and my daughter safe. We have a right to live in a safe home. A safe home! AM I safe today? Yes. I am safe and I am loving it. I love, love the quite and calm and being alone with my daughter. I am so loving living alone! I feel so blessed today. Dear god, please let this sane, quite home life continue.I can no take anymore insanity in my home!I cannot. I just pray, please let this happiness and calm life in my home continue, and continue, and protect us from the alcoholic. Place your angels of protection around our home and us! 

Thanks for letting me share this update!