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I'm living with my very active AH and 4 children (15, 13,11,8). As you all know, being in the middle of the active - yet hidden so children don't see him drinking - alcoholism is very difficult. I'm just trying to survive one day at a time. However, I'm also trying to detach so I can be peaceful. There isn't a lot of yelling in our house between the AH and myself. However, in the evenings when he's intoxicated, he does irritate or annoy the kids which will cause yelling by the kids. I do my best to redirect the kids only if needed otherwise I stay out of it. Let the AH live....
Here's my question: How do I detach? Do I just pretend he's not here? He already doesn't show up for dinner after work and we don't wait for him to eat. It is really hard to watch him drink himself to death. He also has a strong genetic predisposition to depression and anxiety - which he has demonstrated both throughout the past 15 years. As you can imagine, it is just are getting worse as the disease progresses. He briefly saw a therapist and was prescribe an antidepressant however, he's stopped taking it. I think deep down he wants help but won't ask for it and I know he's the one that has to do it. It's hard for me to act differently now that our relationship has changed and his focus is the alcohol. It also makes me very lonely even in the midst of 4 kids. At least I'm thankful I have them yet I'm sad for them as I watch their father slip away....its hard to live day to day pretending something isn't wrong when that is not the case. I guess the tipping point has been that he had one month sober and I was able to have my real husband back AND I realized how far into the disease we've slipped. Then, something happened and he started drinking. It has now brought the alcoholism to a whole new low level of continually needing the alcohol to function. That is what has really brought on my anxiety and helplessness. Along with anger and grief. I'm so angry the illness is destroying our relationship and family. I'm grieving the fact it will never be the same. This is not what we had planned.
Yes, I attend meetings when I can at least once a week and more on the phone bridge. I'm not working outside of the home so that increases my own anxiety to horrible levels but I'm taking care of me to help alleviate that. I will work the program and keep coming back. It's just hard sometimes - it has reached the point where I'm way more relaxed when he's not home. In all honesty, I don't mind when he doesn't come home. Yet that makes me sad to realize I've reached that point to prefer not to have him here. It also causes me to have a lot of "woulda, coulda, shoulda" thoughts and feelings. I'm hoping i'm able to address those with Step 4.
Welcome jtpickle-Most of what you said I can directly relate to, and how sad it was to realize what my marriage had become. I lost my best friend as alcohol and other addictions became primary. I have learned to detach and with love most of the time. It has taken several years in program to accomplish this, and that's with a F2F weekly, working with a sponsor daily, and writing /reading on this board. After being with a spouse for many years, detachment cannot happen in a few weeks or for me, even a year. It's taken much practice to really know that I cannot control anyone else, that I am allowed to come first (except for kids most of the time), and if my spouse has been drinking and driving, that's on her. I didn't do it, I can't control it, and I can't cure her. Over 4 yrs now in alanon, I am stronger, happier, and I by some miracle, my spouse is now sober since April. It's really ODAT, and by using slogans and all the help alanon offers, I am getting better. Progress not perfection, so keep coming back, Lyne
Welcome back Pickle great to see you sticking to your program to create your own sanity and serenity...No at the moment you could need more success and as lyne mentioned "in time" "with practice" you will get there. What you are doing in the moment is what I did also...focus, focus, focus...practice, practice, practice and let go of the outcomes. HP and my sponsor were best so I went with the best. You are going thru the progression of the disease which is horrible to watch and then you don't have to participate...leave him to be responsible...keep turning his responsibilities and outcomes over to him and remember the suggestions for him to "call your sponsor" (whether he has one or not). That one reminded me that I wasn't her sponsor and I didn't have or want to create her solutions.
Check with your Al-Anon Central Office to see if there is Alateen available for your children. I can tell you from my experience in service to Alateen that that program has awesome miracles and you can find out that kids; teens can and will change for the better faster and more dynamic. Prayers and thoughts coming from Hawaii. ((((hugs)))
Pickle - good on you for working hard to do you and your program. Living with this disease is challenging - there is no doubt. Detaching for me was hard and I had to start small. My best actions were much like yours - I kept my mouth quiet and stayed out of the fray unless I needed to engage. I do wish I had done what Jerry suggests - engage my boys in AlaTeen yet they are also A(s) and their disease began in teen years.
I do believe deeply and have seen proof now that there is a genetic element to this disease. I met and married my AH in recovery - he relapsed and I stayed sober. Yet, our boys both have this disease which was the 'eye-opener' I needed as proof. In spite of all my 'experience, strength and hope' I could not stop/slow/end their path to the disease.
Detaching for me was all about practice, practice, practice. It was also difficult until/unless I had boundaries in place. I tried to detach from all things and that didn't work as well. Yet, when I determined my boundaries and then practiced detaching, it flowed better. I felt as if I not only was focused on self-preservation/protection, I was retooling my 'guys' as to what was and was not acceptable to me.
I did put a lock on my safe place door and would literally remove myself. I also strapped up my dog and walked miles (and miles and miles). I started going to meetings and running errands during 'prime chaos time' once I realized the world would not stop if I was not present. I had to distance myself often/always to keep from reacting/merry-go-round.
I stepped up my program, my sponsor discussions and my fellowship outings greatly. I had to be taught that I deserved honor, respect and a safe place and if I couldn't find it at home, I stepped out for pockets of it. Slowly, my sanity and esteem returned and I reclaimed my home - complete with safe places, serene evenings and more. I did create a 'man cave' in the basement and that became a haven for my AH to do what he wanted/needed. This was an idea I got that really, really helped.
Detaching is easier with distance....no doubt about it. Keep working it and your answers will come! I too am sending prayers and positive thoughts your way!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You talk about pretending and I think about that and how after a while it becomes more important to get honest and then pretending is no longer an option in our lives. After a while in Alanon I began living the principles and the steps and they tell us about honesty and its not easy at first because it takes the step 4 inventory to get to know ourselves and take an honest look at ourselves.
I learned about my own motives and was shocked at first to learn about the shortcomings or set of symptoms that can become survival tools for us living with active drinking. Shortcomings like self pity, martyrdom, controlling, self righteousness etc the list goes on. These words sounded like insults to me at first but it wasn't until i could take an honest look at my motives that the truth became available to me/ The truth about me, the good and bad, a non judgemental inventory of self revealed to me that each and every thing I did or said had a motive and my denial would dress it up in my mind that I was the one doing all the work in the family, i was holding it together, I was the fixer controller etc and I truly believed I had to be.
Then Alanon helped me see that I was living a lie, the life that was hanging on a very thin rope for my family needed to collapse all around us and it did for me and im so glad it did because when it all gave way and it was too big to clean up and tidy away there was nothing left but the truth and in that truth I got to see the denial and knew I needed help. I got a spiritual program of recovery and I cant be more grateful. I hope you stick with alanon, learn it like its your number 1 priority, above all else if you can and the promises will be yours.
I have been attending Alanon meetings for a little over 2 years. My husband was in recovery when we met. He was raised by an active alcoholic father and extremely disturbed, untreated Alanon. We have been married for 29 years last month. We have 2 children who I never realized until recently were profoundly effected by the backlash of the disease. When we married he told me that if he ever drank, that I should leave and not look back. I am coming to understand that the effects on our family have more to do with the fact that he is an untreated Alanon as much as a recovering alcoholic. I don't want to take his inventory I just have worked hard to understand and change my own expectations. I am extraordinarily unhappy, mostly sad, and I have learned that it is mostly due to my expectations. I expected the happily ever after promised in all the Disney stories. I expected that I would create the family for my kids that I had as a child. We had our own problems but we were a tight crew for the most part. At the end of the day, my parents were respected by their children. We had family dinners, holidays were times that we all set aside our differences. I will never have any of that and neither will my children. I moved away from my family to be with my husband. At the time he told me that they would hold me back. We have had a good life. I try to not have regrets. But in retrospect it all ended 13 years ago when he relapsed. Funny thing is that I never even knew he was drinking. Here we are 13 years later and we haven't spoken of what happened. We tried counseling a few years ago finally, before I came to Alanon. She tired us. Said we couldn't be helped until we individually worked on getting healthy. That is what brought me to Alanon. Utter desperation. However I, like so many others I've heard, expected to hear how to fix him. Unfortunately I had to learn to accept my own part in the demise of the marriage. It kind of sucked because in the light of sanity all the things I resented could be turned right around onto me. The things I wanted to be angry about were things that he could be angry at me for as well. So I have spent the last two years on me. I've accepted my role, accepted that there are many things I can't undo but that I can try not to repeat. I have tried to turn off my own ideas and expectations to make room for the plan God had in mind for me. I try to find the good in my husband and our life and history together. It feels like though I am working alone. When I ask for what I need, I still don't get it. I feel that I am losing even more of myself. I feel like the universe keeps knocking me over the head with what is the next right thing but I can't detach from the craziness. The irony is that once in a while I will get a text message from my husband, wishing me a happy, joyous and free day. Unfortunately it is followed by "that was meant for someone else".
Today, I hope for an hour without ugly words and harsh judgements. I pray for my grandchildren to escape the cycle. I pray for one day that I can feel nothing more that a few minutes of contentment. We certainly have so very much for which to be grateful. We have two programs that could lead us both to peace and serenity. We have great kids that deserve better examples. I don't really know how I continue to try to do the right and healthy things while being in this relationship. At the same time I don't know what I can do by myself to make it any better. I try to detach and find myself but it is met with a lot of opposition.
