The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I got a job offer the other day. I completed the paperwork for my background check and did my drug screening yesterday, as well. The pay is not as good as I would have hoped for but the company offers awesome benefits and yearly bonuses that are paid regularly in the neighborhood of $6-7K a year. Then, I get a call from a recruiter from another firm for an inside sales job that pays $8K more a year than the one I got offered the day prior. UGH....But, despite the higher salary I realized that there was no guarantee I would get the offer and I'm still a bit shy about going into a sales position after my last experience and being let go from my prior job.
Now, here's the kicker.......ready????? HAHA......
This new job is the exact job I left 19 years ago when I had my son. At the exact same company and the exact same location and in the exact same department (Advisor Services)!!!!! When I went in for the interview it was like I felt I had come full circle. The mountains surrounding the building, the landscaping, and the general feel were all the same. Except that it appears they have more employees than parking spaces right now, lol. I was able to tell the 2 hiring managers my own stories about how I met Charles Schwab, what the atmosphere at the company 20 years ago was like, and why I wanted to come back. Honestly, 3 weeks of vacation at the close of my first year sounded pretty darn good to me, along with very affordable health care options and a low deductible plan! According to the recruiter, the managers loved me and they called me the next day to make the offer. Honestly, I think they loved the fact that I was already licensed and that I was so familiar with the industry and the company, itself.
As for the bf......well, things are OK. Other than the fact that he's trying to control MY finances and use my money to fund his dreams(YES....I have some resentments to work on with a good step 4 right now).......Long story, but he often tries to say, "You need a new car if you're going back to commuting 45 minutes to work." I'll say, "Yes, and I'll trade in my older car and get a NEWER used car like a Camry." He gets weird and says, "You're killing me, girl! Get something we can use. Let's look at buying a new SUV that I can pull the camping trailer with. Once my Tesla comes in, we can sell my old Jeep (which he still has a payment on but my car is paid off and is worth 12K)." So, I balk at this idea and we seem to constantly be fighting about money issues. Notice how what he says starts out with him talking about how I need a new car and then he switches the pronoun to WE or US. This happens all the time. He never offers a real solution as far as if he's going to help pay for this expensive SUV (he likes to buy new also, I prefer a 3 year old car that is certified pre-owned) or how I'm going to afford said new vehicle for US.
He has this vision of us as a family just because we've declared the fact that we're domestic partners to his company or something, but we're not married and legally I don't have a leg to stand on if something were to happen and I'd be stuck with a very large car payment that I can't afford. He is totally OK borrowing money from me to fund his golf events, etc but he never offers to pay me back. He just tells me to take the funds out of my monthly check that I write him for my expenses. But, when I pay him less, he argues that it's not enough, seemingly forgetting that he owed me $300. It's very frustrating and it's causing a lot of problems between us. I've already told him I'm not buying a big ass SUV that guzzles gas. And, his trailer was HIS deal, not mine. As is his decision to buy the Tesla, which he put money down on about 18 months ago. I don't care about cars like he does. I will drive a cute commuter car or small SUV for years and have no issue with it. He's got some sort of status thing going on where he reminisces about when he was married and he made $400K a year and they both drove Mercedes vehicles and lived the high life. Yep, well, I did that too for years, but I'm smart enough to know that I can't do that now!
And, my new rate of pay will literally be just enough for me to pay ALL my expenses, but I won't have a cent to spare for ancillary costs like car tires, helping my son out occasionally, dental bills or doctor copays, etc. Those expenses would need to come out of my bonus money or from my savings, which is dwindling to nearly nothing right now. My BF knows all of this and I can't figure out if he just sees us together forever and is planning on taking care of me when we're retired, or if he's taking advantage of how nice and accommodating I am and if I'm going to end up screwed in the end? Just the fact that I say that, makes me think that my intuition is telling me something.
Other than his obsession over money, though, the bf has been wonderfully supportive regarding my job loss and he's been his normal sweet self. I swear it's like he's 2 people. When it comes to money, he's Scrooge and stingy. When it comes to affection and doing things for me or the family, he's Bob Cratchett. Drives me bonkers, lol. But, whatever lesson I learn here, I'll just be grateful for program no matter what.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Congrats. girl - that's super cool that you got a job offer and how cool about the full circle!!! Easy boundary for your guy - you want to keep finances separate. No reason why, you just prefer it that way. (((hugs))) - loving the great news!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Congratulations on getting the job in such a very familiar way...WOW what a familiar beginning huh? As for the other stuff...I would re-read your post again as if you were someone else and see how others would see it. Actually I hear that you are very aware of where you are at, who you are at it with and how you want it to come out. I think you are very realistic and know how to change the things you can...you go girl. (((hugs)))
Congrats on the job or "return to job" ...great news...and as to the BF??? BOUNDARIES....as I read your post, i could actually "read" your HP telling you that you need separate finances, no explanation, just you want it that way and thats it!!! its time to protect and care for you and I see you doing that.....awesome job!!! Good insight...I enjoyed reading your post...Shows a load of growth and insight.......
I have been too busy to stop by, but glad I happened to stop by today to see this good news! What an amazing thing that you're basically returning to your old job. That is fabulous!
But ugh about the money conflicts. I guess the good news is that you know where your boundaries are and what you need to do to stay on the straight and narrow financially. And you can see your bf's wheedling for what it is. I know in the bad old days I would have heard something like that and think, "He says 'WE'! I love that he's thinking about both of us together! I'd better give him what he's asking for so he stays attached..." Well you can guess where that led. And what is it about high-roller men who think that buying an expensive car (with a huge debt) is so vital? Good thing we know better. And now you will be earning again and that is fabulous.
Thanks everyone! I'm very excited to start the new job. I'm good at being the stay at home mom, too(I'm home watching my bf's 9 year old since she's been sick for 3 days now), but I also need to work to pay my bills~
As for the bf, well, I got new information and I realized it's all about how he lacks communicating his intent. He saw me looking at cars online and he looked confused. He asked me if we were buying a car together or not(which, FYI, had never been directly brought up beforehand). I told him I didn't think that was a good idea because I wanted a car in my name and he said that I would have one of the cars in my name. Umm, Ok, so where was the conversation about this at any point? Never happened. We still need to finish talking about this because I'm confused and he's not being clear. Even if we purchased a car together, if something were to happen to him or if we split up, how could I afford a payment that was being handled by 2 incomes instead of one. It just doesn't sound like a good decision to me at this point.
I swear the man has a vision in his head of our future, but he always neglects to include me in the conversation since it's all in his own head! As Mattie said earlier, of course I am excited that my bf sees me in his future but I've learned that I need to take things one day at a time. I don't get caught up in a future especially with us, because we both have kids and you just never know how things will play out.
I also think I'm having trouble trusting him and trusting myself. I'm working through a step 4 again because I've had a lot of stuff come up internally and I know it's because I have patterns of thought stuck in my brain and I'm with a man who is the complete opposite of my emotionally reactive XAH. My current bf is completely non-reactive and holds his emotions close to the vest. But, I've learned that he can be totally emotionally supportive when the times call for it. When I lost my job, he had tears in his eyes and I know he was also angry at our company for letting me go. He tried to advocate for me, he supported my efforts in my job searching, and recently he praised me for not wallowing in self pity and for not being fearful in my new job search. He's a practical guy, not prone to being very verbal and I am learning to appreciate these things about him as well as learning how to get him to talk even if it's awkward and uncomfortable for both of us.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Good on you for leaning into your program for growth.....that's really what it's all about! My mom and one of the little people are both sick, sick, sick...prayers for all affected for fast healing! (((Hugs))) - can't wait to hear about the new job!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
We never buy new either. Our last two cars were 1 year old with full warranties. I have been driving this car for 14 years. It is good to not have all of the big payments. You are right on. Also, congrats on your new job!
Love the puppies in your avatar Jen61 - brought a big smile to my face!!! (Sorry andromeda) - no intent to derail the discussion...(((hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
