The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got to the end of reading the big book and it talks there about a wife whose formerly alcoholic husband drank a lot of coffee and smoked a lot after he became sober and how eventually her nagging led him to get angry and eventually drink again. The book says that while he was clearly at fault, she learned to appreciate that he was not only using coffee and cigarettes and how wonderful it is that he is no longer using.
My husband is an addict, he uses things like coffee and energy drinks in a way that seems very unhealthy to me. Like he obsesses over them, how many, how much, when to time them.
It freaks me out. In the past I have told him to stop doing these things and I now know that this was a mistake.
However one aspect of it I still struggle with. Because of him unemployment we don't have much money to buy things like this. I go without many things that I consider wants AND needs, but he continues to make sure his "supply" of these things is there for him.
I know it's not such a big deal in the scheme of things, but it drives me crazy. While I admit that there are control issues here, part of the issue is that we just don't have very much money at all, and what we do have I want it to be spent on things that benefit the whole family, like food, clothes for our baby (who doesn't haven enough socks at the moment in winter) etc, you probaby get the picture.
In my experience when an addict is ready to get clean and sober , nothing will make them drink or drug again, certainly not anything that I do or say as I don't have the power over then to make them start or stop anything. . We are each responsible for ourselves and what we choose to do or not do. I now choose to not repeat myself, tell others what to do or what is best for them. Prior to my own recovery I thought I knew what was best for everyone else. Self centeredness, and self absorption are just one of the many traits of early recovery. I seen myself becoming a martyr and always making sure all of the alcoholics needs were met before my own. That was my mistake. I now make a concentrated effort to do what is best for me. I am not responsible for everyone else nor coming up with all the solutions like I once believed I was. It has been very freeing.
My experience with having money problems due to my partner's addictions is that an addict prioritises booze and other addictions over much of anything. We always were low on money, no matter how much money I earned at my job, but there were always cigarettes and booze. Sometimes we didn't have toilet paper though. Its crazy making. I continued to expect that he would start being more responsible with money for years despite the many proofs he isn't capable of that, but that was my insanity. Even after I left to live separately I kept pumping money into him for a couple of months - around a third of my salary. I hated it but kept doing it still, because I couldn't say no, yet. It all seemed very logical, and it was in the context of my life. Regarding finances there was just no other way for me except to say no, no, no - no matter what. I did it when I was able to, and despite my fears the world didn't crumble to dust. Lol. I'm 6 months living separately, and I still lend him money. I also get it back, but somehow never when we have agreed. I guess I haven't had enough yet. Almost want to laugh at myself, or kick myself. Ah, I'll get there. Keep coming back...
((((Annie)))) thank you for sharing! So needed to hear this to remind myself this morning just how bad things had gotten, in so many way with my Active AH. He tries to shift blame for most everything on me as I chose to live with him. My choices to help and fix and make sure everyone's needs were met has not helped my financial situation at all :( Just for Today I'm going to be gentle with myself as walking on eggshells verse speaking my mind have seemed to help me keep the peace with him :/. Keep coming back it works if you work it - so work it cause you're worth it! Love that we are not alone :) thanks for your courage to share & your ESH too!
PS (I'm sorry I'm not sure why I can't edit that post). I chose NOT to live with him at the start of the year due an in incident and I exploded in words and action to not be there during the night (stayed at a hotel till calmed down and then friends houses - more crazy two months)... to protect myself, daughter and the pregnancy from all his addictions and this disease I didn't return St. Patricks day for me was my mental cut off for ever living with him again... he doesn't think he has any problems - day time image night time image Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde. He manipulated me into Spending all my money from my savings, giving him a car to keep our marriage out of debt from his Premarital debt and his butt out of jail for back child support plus interest with his daughters mother (that he forgot to tell me about when we got married), and even half my monthly money a month to split bills with him "fairly" when I make five times less than him (with at the time three children a pregnancy and myself to support on an extreme limited income)... Thank goodness for the slogans and knowing the program was out there away from his insanity so I could go when he couldn't stop me. Now I need to do some work. Big hugs again and sorry I couldn't edit my original post. Have a great day! One day at time works as One moment at a time or even On deep breath at a time for me too :)
Thanks for everyone for the posts and the shares. It means so much. This area of my life is so exhausting. It means a lot to know others have had similar experiences. That makes a big difference.
Yesterday I went to a meeting online and on the phone. Made a big difference.
