The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading posts about detachment and letting go,thanks to the little 'search' option I noticed today.If I had seen that before I would have searched instead of asking. :)
While I'm writing here,I might as well tell a little story.
This morning my son stopped over,obviously very intoxicated.He was eating and as he was,he nodded off and his food fell out of his hand.I asked him if he was ok and he got upset just because I asked that,started complaining that I was insinuating something that wasn't true.I just told him if I was eating,nodded off,dropped my food,he would be asking me if I was ok too.He just kept complaining about me always insinuating things,accusing him of things....blah blah blah,the same circular conversation that always happens.My next words would have been something like "that's because you always are,I know you are right now,it's so obvious,and I'm so sick of the way you talk to me anytime I say anything to you",or something similar.
I didn't say any of that though.Instead I just said I was going to go upstairs,and I did,as he was saying things to me as I was.I was tempted to go back downstairs and say a few things to him,tell him what I thought about him being so wasted that early,complain about him coming around when he's like thst,etc.,but I didn't.I got interested in a movie I had DVR'd and finished the whole movie.
It actually felt empowering to do that instead of getting pulled into an argument with him,having a meltdown,feeling so hurt and helpless and hopeless afterwards.It didn't change the fact that he was so wasted or change his situation at all.But changing my reaction to it made a world of difference for me.
So yay me.I really need to work on doing that more often.I really don't have to always give my 2cents or get the last word in.I can walk away from drama instead of making it worse.
That part where you put distance and arms length between him and your peace of mind and serenity is the detaching part. The letting go part comes in after you had the "second thoughts" and didn't act on them. I find detaching more of the long term practice of letting go. Other Old Timers will share their ESP. Keep practicing and sharing. ((((hugs))))
(((Soggy Slippers))) - you did good - I can so relate to your share. Right or wrong, insane or not, almost each time more than one question, I'm accused of butting in, trying to control, etc. And - the rebuttals are way less than graceful. I so agree with Jerry - when you opted to protect your sanity, and left the area, you were detaching ... and even if you were angry, hurt or more since you were able to do so without a reaction, it was with love. Same with the letting go part of not repeating past patterns which as you point out and I can relate to - keeps the chaos/drama going.
Another thoughts that popped in for me, I don't have these happen as much any more. I would love to say it's because both of my boys are sober and in recovery. They say they are, and I want to believe them yet there are 'attitude' signs that show me it may not be true. I don't ask, I don't inquire, I have detached to the point where we talk only when they reach out. And, this brings up boundaries which I also learned in Al-Anon.
If my sons stop by under the influence, they are not welcome inside. This was not an easy boundary in the beginning yet over time, they now know this is not a place to come to if they are active in the disease. I just don't want 'it' in my home for any reason at any time. It's a huge trigger for me in so many ways that my best tool is to avoid it in my home. Again, was not easy to impose but has lasted and will remain in place.
Another tool that has in handy is the, "When in doubt, don't." I use this often when I am just not sure if I should respond and/or how I should respond. I figure if I am leaning into the Letting Go and Letting God, I will be shown the answer at the proper time/place. Which, whenever I am practicing any tool for our recovery, I am forever grateful for the Serenity Prayer and the abbreviated version - Bless Them, Change Me. Putting both of these front and center in my mind/heart in the middle of the storm really helps me feel safer and less anxious.
Great topic and great job! Keep coming back!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think the difference between detaching and letting go is time and reflection. Detaching is the quick response to.certain situations. Of course when you get practice it is easier. Like when I go to my job and things are all up in the air. I detach in order to be a part of the team. I dont complain as.much I used to.
Letting go is after calm collected reflexion. Lately I have been looking at certain friendships that no longer work.for me. I have no blame game (new for.me) just an.awareness.that I am not getting my needs met.
Detaching is hard in the beginninng. Letting go is hard too. They all take practice lots of it
I find in this post the fulfilling of the promises I heard about when I first arrived. The promises which were so hard to believe even with the shared experiences that came with them. I listened hard and often to the old timers stayed in recovery and stuck with the lessons they were faced with in meeting and conventions and such. Often my reaction was WOW!! I want that too and at other times I became determined day by day to not have our disease take control of my mind, body, spirit and emotions. We listened to the ESH and diligently practiced...We still do. Recovery isn't ever and has never been an overnight thing for me. There was so much nonworking habits that had to be discovered, identified and the replaced by opposites. I had to let go of a lot about me and my family of origin and the marriage to the alcoholic/addict and the family she came with while practicing continued acceptance of them and my own life/program at the same time.
Alcoholism consumes and consumes completely all the time and I had to learn how to let go of my participation, the "my part in it" in order to have a chance. Let go of the hand of the disease and take up the hand of a power greater than the disease. I was raised to listen metaphorically ...in picture form. Yes I needed to be shown "pictures" or else I would not get the lesson. It still is that way today; I'm blessed. Picture that letting go of the hand of the disease and taking up the hand of a higher power. What I picture is what I do and what works. Thanks for letting me share. ((((hugs))))
