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My AH was once sober for 12 years then on and off every few months for years. Now he is drinking every month. It is escalating and I am scared. We have been through marriage counseling more than once and he has had counseling more than once. He has had a DUI. I am so tired of this. Even when he's not drinking, I am apprehensive as to when the next situation will come up. I am still in love with him. He is a hard worker, successful, personable, humorous. All the things that made me marry him BUT he has the disease of alcoholism. Tonight after his alcohol wore off I told him we should separate. He said "what?" I repeated it and he said NO. He will make this work. I told him I didn't say it as a threat. I am depressed and can't take this anymore. He asked me if I was leaving. I told him I think he should leave. He said he isn't going anywhere. Now what???? I am not a youngster. I have some health problems. I have to pack up? I have to find a place? Have any of you convinced the alcoholic he should leave? Any thoughts or legal things I should know? Life is hard - not feeling very good or hopeful tonight.
First off I am so sorry this is all happening right now. You don't have to DO anything today. Some questions I think that do need to be addressed when you are not feeling so overwhelmed are, do you have a support team (if you had to leave do you have people who would help you), what does it mean if he stays in the house (consult an attorney or legal advice on that one .. you don't want to give up your portion of the house), do you want a divorce or separation, what are you looking for out of this break. Again nothing has to be decided today. These are things you can work through with your sponsor and step work. I just really encourage you to focus on what you want out of separating part of the deal.
For me I didn't give my XAH a choice, one thing I learned in sales is that you never ask a question it's far more effective to make statements. So my statement was "you need to leave" I had him in such shock that he was compliant, plus he had other places and people he wanted to see which he knew I wasn't going to have the crazies with the kids going on.
One day at a time and easy does it come to mind. Anyone thinking of big changes does need to figure out their motives and what is the bottom line of what they want out of the deal.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
(((Wife))) - I do not have any experience with getting my AH to depart but did want to send you some supportive and positive thoughts and prayers. I can relate to the overwhelming chaos and sadness this disease brings and I truly did not get any relief until I worked this program to the best of my ability.
Sending you some positive thoughts and prayers!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi (((wife))), I recently have gone through this very similar situation. My ABF had shoulder surgery (he was a cabinet maker) and unbeknown to me although he had been getting insurance payments weekly while he was off work (5 months) he was no longer paying his rent on his workshop etc. I came home from my shift one day for him to tell me he was being evicted from his workshop and had to move out within 4 days. This then started a ramp up in drinking - almost daily and I became very anxious and concerned - especially as I was away a lot during evenings and nights. To shorten the story one particular evening I got home from an evening shift at midnight and he was completely trashed - in bed reading but slurring and making nonsensical communication. I didnt confront him that night due to feeling overwhelmed but we went for a walk with our dog the next morning and I asked him about the drinking. Initially he lied to me (a long term issue) that he had only had a couple of beers and then finally he told me what he had been drinking (gin and tonics). We had previously discussed the lying as this was my biggest issue with him and how I couldnt live with someone I didnt trust. I asked him to move out and he at the time agreed that it was for the best. I gave him a month (I own the home) and he appeared ok about it but then he made absolutely no effort to move out and became increasingly drunk, sad, sarcastic and angry as the month progressed. Complicating this was he had absolutely no money - in fact was in serious debt - this obviously was also stopping him from trying to find somewhere suitable. In the end I came home one evening with my son after a familys birthday dinner and he was completely trashed. He became really angry and intimidating and told me he wasnt going to move out as there was nowhere for him to go. I tried to ring a couple of his friends but in the end I had to call the police as he was becoming threatening towards me and my son was really worried about my safety and his. The police took him to a motel for the night (after an hour of negotiating....) and served him with a safety order for 3 days. This gave both of us some breathing space. He hasnt moved back in and I am grateful for the police and also the time which gave me enough time to find my strength to let him know this was the end. He feels hugely remorseful and I feel incredibly guilty still but I know its for the best. From this site - (I am a real newbie) I have learnt this disease if nothing else is progressive and I knew it was only going to get worse without his abstinence. I am grateful for this site. I am not sure how you manage to work through this if your property is shared but please get some good advice from a solicitor or do you have citizens advice bureau there - we do here which is free legal information which is really great. All the very best with whatever decisions you decide to make. What I do know is that self care is crucial to happiness (((hugs)))
