(((MissB))) - good to see you again! Sending you positive mojo - keep coming back!

MizzB, I'm new to Alanon and want to say thank you for posting :) Could you share more about your experience, strength and hope in
reference to when you said everything is about him and his drinking plus things you feel you've wasted?

I'm married and separated for many reasons although the biggest reasons are for the emotional abuse etc, plus he doesn't think he has any drinking problems or addictions because he doesn't drink all the time. Any other addictions are dismissed yet affecting all areas of everyone's life around him including our marriage, me and the children. (He has other issues yet when he drinks he picks up where he last left off with long periods of physical sobriety of alcohol in between (plus other addictions).
New into Alanon I'm desperate to find out what is going on with my part in this so I can change I'm miserable trying to tip toe around his issues for fear of backlash, happy there is a program for us, and sick of everything being about him and tired of him twisting everything around back to him when I need to make things about my children and me.Know I have a lot of work to which starts with making an accounting here (been to some F2F no one willing to be my Sponser as everyone is too busy & I respect that we all have lives :)...) and reaching out to you and others on here.

MizzB I hope you can take care of you through "his process" and please know Alanon members want to help each other :) That's my hope to share with you :) when you can or anyone on this post; how do we make it just about the children and me while others including the A want us to do more for the A? Struggling to make boundaries without JADE & the judgement, reproscuesions, isolation and backlash to me is real from people around the A which is affecting ours lives. I'm new as an active member to Alanon, have books, am reading & F2F when I can :) also willing to learn what I can from you all, books, literature, including from your experience, strength and hope too! :) (What phrases and slogans do you say to yourself and even others to affirm my boundaries, & decision to detach with love from A & his enablers would help me too :) Thank you kindly :)

Hi, MizzB, and (((hugs))). The best thing I did was to continue working on myself, because the more sane and self-aware I become, the better my life becomes. Its not easy and its not fast! I can relate to your feeling like I've wasted years on a relationship that doesn't work. I did spend some time in regret/sadness, but eventually lived through it and got on the other side. I do not regret my time with my abf anymore for the most part, the past is past, there were good times as well, before the disease got worse in both of us. I am currently separated with my abf, in a relationship limbo, I suppose, because I'm not going back if he doesn't seek professional help, AA, anything, and stick to sobriety. I don't know how things are going to work out, and I've worked through the pain of this not knowing. On the other side of pain was acceptance and only then some peace. Still so much, so much to work on me, I'm trying to remember its progress and not perfection. I wish you all the best, there's hope and help in recovery... Keep coming back.

Maggie, you asked about how do we stick to our boundaries. That's a great question, and probably one of the hardest things for me, especially in the first months in the program. Looking back, I now see I had practically no boundaries left, I was out of "it" (life) for so long (codependence as well as depression for years) I had become a doormat, and not just in regards to my abf, but in general. I'm still learning and often feel guilty about doing right by myself, but I've gotten better, and this has made a huge difference already. One of the first things I learned regarding making boundaries is stick to "I" statements and keep things about myself, as boundaries are not the same as ultimatums or threats, but something that is there to protect me, my emotional and physical well-being. I know I used to make ultimatums I never carried through, because I was not ready to act on what I said. What's more, my abf saw that, and figured out it was all idle talk. It was! It took me a long time but I have finally understood in my heart the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum, for me the latter is an attempt to control the other person (doesn't work!), the former is a clear line in my mind that I am unwilling to let anyone cross. I still mess up, but I also don't at other times, which is progress. Anyway, glad you're reaching out, keep coming back, there's help available, and its so great you are embracing it :) (((Hugs)))