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Hi, working through my irritation with myself. Sorry if the post is jumbled, I'm tired and thoughts go several directions, I guess. Today was my last day in my current job, now a week ahead before starting the new one. Worked 10 hours, still didn't do all I wanted/needed (?) to make the passing of the projects to the new people understandable. Took home some stuff. I'm tired and wondering what can I do differently in order to actually get quality rest next week instead of working still. What I am expected to do is write down main things about each project I was working on so that the person after me has a basis to continue work from there. All good, except I will have to spend some of my free time finishing all the super duper totally have to do it stuff. Did a bit more than what was asked of me in order to appear better and some of my more chaotic projects would be a little less chaotic. Wondering what can I learn from this. That I'm overly responsible perfectionist, for one thing. But underlying that is my desperate and completely automatic need to appear X (good, kind, professional, responsible, you name it). This is it! Writing about it made it clear to me. Still feel like I HAVE to finish some stuff, though. I'd feel like a complete loser if I didn't. So that's my choice. Work after leaving work or feel like a failure. I suppose that makes me a slave of the circumstances, rather, I make myself one. I talked to myself right now (in my head), sarcastically, like my father does: oh, how good you are, what a responsible girl, oh oh oh (insert sarcastic smile here). I hate it when he does/did that. Made me question myself always, like - is he right? Am I just a pretender? Does he know what I think/feel better than I myself do? I'm gonna get a good night's sleep and ask my HP to help me understand his will for me and give me the power to carry it out. I feel trapped in a corner with this, I hope I get help. Thanks for letting me share here. I know I am not alone. I feel better already :)
Edit: Washed my hair, rested my tired brain, feel OK :) Tomorrow is a new day and I'll live it when I get there. For now, tea, soup and bed!
-- Edited by Aline on Friday 24th of November 2017 03:10:46 PM
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((Aline))) - I can so relate to your post. I see a ton of recovery and inward focus - remember always that we are all about progress and not perfection. I hope today is a new/fresh day and know that I'm sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers! It is tough to let go of our old ways but awareness is a huge part of recovery and change - you got this!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you, IAH, for your encouragement :) The day went OK, I have accepted that I'd rather face the consequences of working some after quitting my job than not do my part well. The work I imagined still looming over me in great big cloud is not as big as a feared (again!), and I've managed to both take it easy and do some work today. So grateful for the support from you all :)
