The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am still in hotel and having anxiety as I have to return home tomorrow. I am not looking forward to seeing the alcoholic. I keep thinking he is just a roommate, he is just a roommate. I have nothing to fear. I have nothing to fear.
I had a good day today as I called some lawyers and got legal advise on the house I have title to. I got the apartment I checked out. I just have to get the funds to the landlord by Saturday for the damage deposit. I was talking to another potential person to rent from and the cell phone, that is in his name got disconnected. Yes, the phone I was using gets disconnected. How interesting. He either did not pay the bill or purposely disconnected the phone I assume by the advise of his ex wife who he talks to and who had put a restraining order against him when they were married. She divorced him and now wants him back. She says god believes they are meant to be together and they need to start a ministry, preaching the word of god, together. That is so out there, insane thinking is more like it. I do not believe that is based on reality. She is a city bus driver and comes from a dysfunctional family from what he said to me. He even, had a cross built in the wall in the garage where he plans to do his bible, preaching and he will have church services there. Really nuts! Not based on reality at all. I guess it does not matter. He can not even stay sober for a day and he wants to have church services in the garage! He of course will be the preacher and tell people all about the bible, and sin, ect. Its god's calling for him to be a preacher he says. He says he heard god say to him Preacher D. I do not believe how insane, insane this is. Its one thing after another with him. He can not pay the bills on the house alone, as he has bills to pay in addition to the monthly bills. How he will do this preaching is another mystery! Then we have the ex-wife, that is another story too. Its so messed up but again that is not my problem and not my life.
I will get my own cell phone. Its not the end of the world. I will get a phone.
I went to a domestic violence group tonight and met with other woman and it felt good to have support and validation that what I am going through is not in my head, its abuse! Yes, its abuse and how he treats me is not right and is not about me. Its him and it does not matter. He will abuse any woman that is with him. That is who is he is. I get it finally. I feel hope. I see how sick he really is, he has two demons to fight, alcoholism and abuse. Its a sad and terrible thing.
Me, I feel hopeful that I will be able to move on. This two days of being away, to gather my head, feels like a god send. I so needed to get away from him and do this for me. I just needed to get some sanity. Much needed sanity.
I am so tried of the drama! So tired of the insanity. I have to go home tomorrow and god knows what I will be dealing with. He could either be home drunk or hangover, or not at home and at work. I just do not know what to expect. That scars me. I just had such a good 2 days of self care and now to go back to the insanity, my skin scrawls. I have to think, he is just a roommate, he is just a roommate, he has no power over you.
I just feel worried and scared. What condition will I go back to. I just have to think one day, one moment at a time. God, I just am not looking forward to going back to the house.
I prayed today, god, I hope he heard my prayers. I prayed for him and ask god to help him, give him sobriety. I am so sad that I have to walk away. I have no choice. I love him but the drinking is killing me. He will not stop. nor get help. I have no choice. I have to leave for my sanity. I have to remember how good this feels to be safe and without drama.
Will keep you all updated. GOd Help me and let this situation with the alcoholic work out in a good way and I can move without problems or concern and I will get all the help I need to move that all things will work out in a good way...
Praying tonight for you... that your HP has got this for you!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Me too - sending you tons of prayers and positive thoughts (((Joker))).
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
For me, it did. This program does indeed work. Our choices create our reality. Choose peace, or keep choosing to go back but how has that worked for you?
Women do walk away with nothing more that the shirt on their back. After my divorce, I lost a great deal materially and some believed I was crazy. It was not a mistake but the material world will never understand spiritual wealth. Being rich is a quiet peaceful mind, believe me.
You are the guardian of your own sanity. You are stronger than you know. Believe it.
I'm sorry that I have not been following every detail of this terrible situation. Is there any chance at all that he could become violent? Because I worry that he is delusional, with the talk of God's call to him and the cross on the wall in the garage and everything. Delusional people who become angry can be dangerous. I would hate to think of you in a house with a delusional angry person. Please be very, very careful.
