The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am doing a lot of step one work with my sponsor right now, trying to figure out what I am and am not powerless over - the "wisdom to know the difference" part of the serenity prayer.
Now that I no longer live with my qualifiers, I feel like my biggest problem is something I mentioned in another post recently - a chronic feeling of being overwhelmed and stressed out that makes me want to shut down and not do anything unless it's urgent. I'm not even sure what I'm overwhelmed and stressed about any more - most of the things that are making me feel this way (messy apartment, being unprepared for school deadlines) are my own creation now - things that I didn't deal with when I should have because I was feeling "too stressed out"!
I feel like I got so used to living in a state of chronic crisis management that I don't know any other way to exist. Like I got into the habit of crouching down and shielding myself in the middle of a storm, and now it's a sunny day but I'm still huddled up like I'm in a storm. And if you're curled into a little ball in a storm (or absence of storm) you don't do things unless you absolutely have to, because everything feels threatening as a demand on your time and energy.
What I feel like I need to figure out right now is how this relates to the first step. I have a hard time saying I am powerless over this, because if I would just wash the dishes then the dishes would not be dirty any more. But at the same time, if the solution was as simple as "just do the dishes (and all of the other things I'm not doing)" and it was really that easy to just make myself do it, then I wouldn't be stuck like this.
Is there an element of powerlessness here, and if so, how do I tell what I am powerless over and what I am not?
-- Edited by atheos on Monday 6th of November 2017 12:19:08 AM
Hi Atheos I accept the simple fact that i am powerless over people.places and things. HP is in control and I need to listen to the still small voice within to grow and act. As far as taking constructive actions during the day,I have established a set of principles to live by such as: making to do lists, crossing off accomplishments, committing to a sponsor or friend what I will accomplish each day etc Good Luck this works
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 8th of November 2017 10:33:05 AM
Hugs athoes, I think for me I break it down to what is and isn't my business. How do I feel about a certain situation. I can completely relate to the idea of being so used to chaos it just seems to jump up. I can change me though and that's where I have power. When a noun is inserted forget about it. Hugs again s :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
This is a great post and I hope more of the fellowship will join in so that we share tons of ESH.
For me my poor mother worked hard at training me to multi-task which was insane and then insanity was the usual mind and emotion state in our family. Multi-tasking is for enablers and I was and still am one of those if I will it or forget that there is another option (the program) available to me. I still am "sick" in this way but boy you should see me multitask.
Deciding what I am powerless over involves the shortest sentence I learned in program..."no". Gosh I can say no to people, places and things when I want to. I considered the consequences that would come up and all of them were in my mind so the fear of saying "no" was just False Evidence Appearing Real and I taught my mind not to buy the evidence and just let it go. I trained on asking others "if I say no to want you want will you be upset, angry, resentful etc"? Most all the time the response was "no why"? and I didn't have to explain. This program works when you work it. I loved learning that the first step only said alcohol because I could add a whole other list of things I could tackle all at the same time.
I forgot where I put my superman shirt. Now I am gonna listen. ((((hugs))))
That image of still crouching after the storm has passed is really helpful, thank you for it's wisdom. I can relate to that sense that anything can feel threatening for a while. As I started to step past the crazy in my life I found it helpful to acknowledge that I was, indeed, knackered and I needed to unfurl slowly and gently.
I think I needed rest to restore my energy and well-being gently, just as I would give myself self-care if I had been physically unwell. I did crosswords and sudoko puzzles for a while. I listened to audio-books and regularly put my own well being ahead of the well being of my crockery, even though I swear that washing up bowl growled and glared at me more than once, it was going to be my choice when they finally got clean! .
It became apparent that it was in my own best interests to do some of these daily household tasks, but I chose to see them as self-care, allowing me to rest without feeling guilty - They became, in effect, a gift to myself.
I would gift myself a treat, a book chapter with my feet up for instance, once a job was done. I am, apparently, open to my own bribery!! I did not 'have' to do anything that I didn't choose to do. If I needed to stay in bed, I did. But I got bored and irritated by that eventually!
I tried to make the most of the jobs by doing them 'mindfully' - reflecting on the soft feeling of the water on my hands, playing with the bubbles like I did when I was a child, marvelling at the clear spaces where the hoover had been, really watching a fleck disappear, feeling the rhythm in my body as I moved around. It all sounds a bit crazy typed out like this, but it worked for me!
I packed away my 'must do...' and 'must not...' thoughts and replaced them with 'I would like to....' instead.
I think that we have the power to make our own choices.
Be gentle with yourself - you've been through a lot. (((((Hugs))))))
Hi (((atheos))) I can relate to your post, I too can get stressed out and taking care of myself gets put on the back burner. I was taught very young that life is meant to be chaotic, unpredictable and filled with crisis after crisis. Thats what normal has looked like to me for a long time. Today life isnt so dramatic, but there are definitely periods of time where my Ego reverts back to old behaviors and can keep me very busy living in worry of the past or future and this causes me unnecessary stress. Alanon has taught me Im responsible for myself and Im powerless over people, places and things but I do have the power to choose how Im going to react. I can choose to tackle my daily tasks while only paying attention to the negative commentary in my head or wait until Im in panic mode because time has run out. Or I can choose a more loving way and be present while doing my daily tasks by using my other senses like smell and sound and enjoy the peace and serenity of just being right here right now, which I believe is how HP intended life to be. Today I can look at a pile of dishes and smile as I can see them as a gift of opportunity to keep practicing living one day at a time.
__________________
- Carrie
Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'. Eckhart Tolle
((Atheos))
I can relate to your description of crouching in the storm too. I don't exactly know your experience but mine stems from childhood. My step mother was a verbally abusive alcoholic and a bully when I was young. I did a lot of crouching when I was in my father's care to try to avoid the storm which for me was her venting her anger on me, criticizing me, calling me names and telling me I wasn't loved or wanted by anyone. My survival skill developed very quickly and what I did to survive in that environment is to become invisible in plain sight. I did everything I could to try to ensure I wasn't noticed or seen. I was well behaved and quiet and avoided anything I didn't need to do. Although I have made a lot of progress in this area I still revert to avoidance of everything when I am struggling. I thought that by blending in, by taking cover I was somehow controlling the alcoholic and her ability to have an effect on me but it turns out that that wasn't true. Living in that environment (even part time) had a profound effect on me and would have no matter if I took cover or danced in the storm and drew more attention to myself. It's a family disease and that was a coping skill I used when I was younger that doesn't serve me very well anymore. I get overwhelmed by day to day responsibilities often. I get very caught up in wanting to be better at everything that I get paralyzed sometimes. I am still trying to control the uncontrollable (some perceived threat I have no control over) and I feel like I have no control over the things I can control (getting some tasks done at work). Recently I had a huge project thrown in my lap at work with unrealistic deadlines and a lot of stress. My first desire was to run for cover. Go home and curl up on the couch and do nothing. Spend time at work avoiding this project hoping it will go away. I can't control the decision by my agency to move forward with this project, I can't control the unrealistic deadline that has been set, I can control my day to day tasks though so now I am trying to ensure I do something towards this project every day. I may not make it to the finish line and get it completed (which scares the &*$% out of me some days) but at least I can do even one small thing a day to move towards it. I think there is a difference between accepting the things you can control and then taking control of them. I found that many of the things I could control I didn't because I was so focused on controlling the uncontrollable. It took time and practice to move forward with changing the things I could change.
Learning how to live without chaos is challenging. It feels very strange to start to make those kinds of changes. Take it one day at a time and I think it's amazing that you have this awareness about yourself.
It's not a dichotomy - if I say I am not powerless over something, that doesn't mean that I necessarily have the ability to exert full control over it, there are shades of gray in between.
I am not powerless over procrastination the way that I am over my qualifiers. But I am not in full direct control of it either, or I could just decide to stop doing it and that would be that. Instead, procrastination is influenced by other things, some of which are under my control and some of which are not.
One of the biggest things influencing my procrastination is that "crouching in a storm" feeling. And that "crouching in a storm" feeling comes from situations, past and present, where I try to control things that I am powerless over. Everything from my qualifier's wellbeing to what other people think of me -- trying to control all of that is an exhausting burden to carry! When I admit powerlessness over the things I can't actually control, that gives me the space that I need to be able to see that I'm _not_ in a storm right now, it is a sunny day out and there is no need to crouch.
Once I relax a little and my stress level goes down, the tasks that I procrastinate suddenly don't seem so intimidating because I realize I won't be doing them in the middle of a tornado, and then I don't feel so much of an urge to avoid them through procrastination.
Thank you everybody for the wonderful ESH you have shared to help me figure this out!
Like a ray of sunshine on a sunny day, to see your processing and the ESH shared here is a thing of beauty.
PS . We had storms here yesterday afternoon and afterwards I saw the brightest rainbow I've every seen.... I hope you like it! Thank you so much for sharing the journey.
The paradox of al anon is that by admiting we are powerless we become powerful.
The crux of so many of my problems was unrealistic expectations. My expectations of whar I can and xant schedule in my lufe are still prettt off. When I develop a medium of gratitude a lot more gets done. At the same time I dont become this machine of complete self drnial.
For many of us luvingnaround an alcoholic we lived in impossible circumstances. I lived with grief, rage, dreadful fear and a sense of impending doom.
The sesse of impending doom was of coyrse accurate. The alcoholic took.everythingndown with him.
Managing all that is not without consequence. Then there is the feelung of guilt, did I try hard enough. These days when I meet an alcoholic, no matter hiw grear the packaging, I know full well thst I do not have the resources to manage the chaos.
My unrealistic expectations are more manageable these days. My goals are to gey healthier, nor beat myself up with unrealistic expectations. I know better how to detach, be grateful and take care of myself
Every day is a struggle but I no longer create umposdibe situations for myself. I certainly have more than my share of chalkenges. I am stretched every day. The diffetence is Inam far far kinder to myselfaboyt where I am.
...
...
. 