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Hi everybody. So I attended my ex's funeral today. I am just devastated. A whirlwind of emotions. The worst thing is the thought of never seeing him again. I hadn't contacted him for 3 months except to send a card to say it was over when he asked me for clarification, after he had finished it himself, threatened other women etc during his last 2 month binge. He had stopped drinking a couple of months ago and I'm not exactly sure what the cause of death was, he did have several heart attacks the day after admitting himself to hospital because he was having difficulty swallowing. I ended it and avoided all contact because the relationship had been so hurtful for so long, in spite of me trying so hard to apply the al-anon tools. I hadn't stopped loving him, and still haven't. I was trying to get over it, get on with my own life, rebuild myself as there had been a lot of abuse which had left me confused and shaken. It was so hard to stay away. Maybe that was my addiction to him. I had to remind myself all the time of all the hurtful things he had said and done to keep myself from going back. Since he died all I am remembering are the nice things and am full of regret that I didn't spend all the time I could have with him.....but I was starting to fear for my own sanity, my own sobriety(17 years), and my ability to be there for my daughter who has already lost her father. I know folks here will understand how hard it is to maintain a relationship with an alcoholic who is in final stages of the disease. I felt I had no part in his funeral except as any other mourner, there was no acknowledgment of the 4 years I have been in his life, inspire of me being quite close to his adult daughter over that time. It doesn't really matter I suppose, maybe I am being petty and selfish. Instead the woman he split up with 12 years ago, the mother of his 2 children, seemed to have 'partner' status in the church. I wasn't asked to go for food etc afterwards. I know it's not important in the scheme of things and the children maybe needed their mother . in that position and didn't need another ex complicating things but it's hard not to be able to mourn him with others who are mourning him. I have my own friends and family who know how much he meant to me and how hard his death is hitting me. I know he loved me as best he was able and that I have been a very important person in his life. I think I still was harbouring hope that at some time we would both be in a better place to try again. Thanks for reading.
((((Sorcha)))) prayers and good spirits being sent for you and your alcoholic. I love your share because it is filled with recovery and not the self pity and woe is me/us that I so often use to feel and act out in drama before program.
At this mornings home group one of the readers read from the Big Book of AA that most marvelous understanding on page 449 which starts with "And acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today." I came to the meeting with doubt and fear and anger and resentments yet as soon as he started the read it all went away. My spirit stood up and said, "Thank you God", as it did the very first time I heard it and then launched itself into the recitation of the first 3 steps. I am holding you and your former alcoholic up to my HP as I was taught by my sponsor. Thank you for your courage in recovery. (((((hugs)))))
It is common for people to ve incredibly petty at funerals.
This past year I learnt of two friends who died.
One was an alcoholic who got some recovery. Neverthekess all his years of using caught up with him. The other an alcohol8c who would never dream of sobriety.
Alcoholism shortens lives. I am glad you put yourself first and inew your limits. Personally I am nit going to nurse an alcoholic to their end. The ex A had two life threatening illnesses. That diagnosis sent him off on a number of benders. He had one remission and is now ill again. The pr9gnoss is not good.
People can be incredibly petty at funerals. It is very very hard not to take it all very personally.
I am so sorry for your loss. I do hear a lot of recovery in your post as well. It is pretty normal to be remembering all of the nice things that you shared with him. That is a reflection of the love you feel for him. I am always grateful when alcoholism has not killed the love I felt. I may not have been able to be around that person while they were not in recovery but I still loved them. I also loved my self enough to limit my exposure to the chaos.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Sunday 5th of November 2017 10:51:08 PM
I too am sending you positive thoughts and prayers Sorcha (((Sarah)))...grief is real and I hope you can be gentle with self as you grieve.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
